1_21Guns
June 24th, 2010, 10:59 AM
my world is actually full on caving in.
my best friend isn't sure if she wants to be my friend at all anymore.
which feels like atleast 45% of me just died.
the other 45% is questionable, ever unpredicatble and filled with doubt itself.
doubt i wish i didnt have, but after seeing so much fall through, its hard to believe anythings real.
and the other 10%? thats everyone else. nothing to do with favouritism, just all thats left of me.
but i can't keep going on 10% of me.
i lose hope on everything.
i sat there in Science, everything ticking over in my head,
my arm was throbbing. screaming.
the pencil sharpener in my pencilcase was staring at me.
i'll admit, i thought about it.
i'd been turning my pencilcase away from me all day, so i couldnt see.
so i wouldnt be tempted.
but instead i spent most of that lesson wondering how. when. all of which would be in school.
i even picked it up, but was quick to shove it back in my pensilcase.
because i couldnt trust myself.
i've got that sicky feeling again too, because i've lost my appitite.
i only have to look at food now, and i feel sick.
the thought of eating makes me feel quite sick.
the thought of food, makes me even sicker.
seems like a habit now if my mum isn't in,
stumble in with my bags, get the vodka out of the fridge, swig a mouthful.
put it back, make a glass of coke, then decide to make it vodka and coke.
dragging myself upstairs with the glass in my hand.
i dont want to make it through the days like this.
but i don't want to get better.
i'm scared.
i have work experience for the next 2 weeks.
and frankly. i'm scared half to death.
i'm going to my old primary, something i did deliberately.
so i wouldnt have my problems with being in an unfamiliar place.
but now i'm scared of the effects that place will have on me.
i'm scared of change.
i'm growing up at an alarming rate.
days are going by like they're only an hour long.
and i hate it.
i'm absolutely terrified at the moment.
everythings so unknown.
i'm scared of what i dont know.
i always have been.
now its worse than ever.
i'm scared.
my arm wont stop hurting because my urges are now that bad.
my mum's gonna make me eat something later.
not to mention the 12 mile walk i have tomorrow. with no will to eat or drink much, no doubt i'll pass out sooner or later. maybe it's better im out there though, i feel better when i'm outside. that's probably why i keep running off out on my own. finding different places to hide each time so nobody notices me.
then i have to get past the urge to run away. which is looking ever more tempting. but i'll never do it. just like i'll never kill myself.
this village is small, and i'm running out of places to hide.
i'm too tired to face it.
everythings crashing around me.
i cant cut, some days i dont even want to.
but im not going to eat for 2 weeks atleast. i can tell you all that now, no matter what you say.
sorry it was so long, guess i kinda started typing off what was going around my head, so yeah sorry if you took so long to read when theres not really much anybody can say...
sorry.
my best friend isn't sure if she wants to be my friend at all anymore.
which feels like atleast 45% of me just died.
the other 45% is questionable, ever unpredicatble and filled with doubt itself.
doubt i wish i didnt have, but after seeing so much fall through, its hard to believe anythings real.
and the other 10%? thats everyone else. nothing to do with favouritism, just all thats left of me.
but i can't keep going on 10% of me.
i lose hope on everything.
i sat there in Science, everything ticking over in my head,
my arm was throbbing. screaming.
the pencil sharpener in my pencilcase was staring at me.
i'll admit, i thought about it.
i'd been turning my pencilcase away from me all day, so i couldnt see.
so i wouldnt be tempted.
but instead i spent most of that lesson wondering how. when. all of which would be in school.
i even picked it up, but was quick to shove it back in my pensilcase.
because i couldnt trust myself.
i've got that sicky feeling again too, because i've lost my appitite.
i only have to look at food now, and i feel sick.
the thought of eating makes me feel quite sick.
the thought of food, makes me even sicker.
seems like a habit now if my mum isn't in,
stumble in with my bags, get the vodka out of the fridge, swig a mouthful.
put it back, make a glass of coke, then decide to make it vodka and coke.
dragging myself upstairs with the glass in my hand.
i dont want to make it through the days like this.
but i don't want to get better.
i'm scared.
i have work experience for the next 2 weeks.
and frankly. i'm scared half to death.
i'm going to my old primary, something i did deliberately.
so i wouldnt have my problems with being in an unfamiliar place.
but now i'm scared of the effects that place will have on me.
i'm scared of change.
i'm growing up at an alarming rate.
days are going by like they're only an hour long.
and i hate it.
i'm absolutely terrified at the moment.
everythings so unknown.
i'm scared of what i dont know.
i always have been.
now its worse than ever.
i'm scared.
my arm wont stop hurting because my urges are now that bad.
my mum's gonna make me eat something later.
not to mention the 12 mile walk i have tomorrow. with no will to eat or drink much, no doubt i'll pass out sooner or later. maybe it's better im out there though, i feel better when i'm outside. that's probably why i keep running off out on my own. finding different places to hide each time so nobody notices me.
then i have to get past the urge to run away. which is looking ever more tempting. but i'll never do it. just like i'll never kill myself.
this village is small, and i'm running out of places to hide.
i'm too tired to face it.
everythings crashing around me.
i cant cut, some days i dont even want to.
but im not going to eat for 2 weeks atleast. i can tell you all that now, no matter what you say.
sorry it was so long, guess i kinda started typing off what was going around my head, so yeah sorry if you took so long to read when theres not really much anybody can say...
sorry.