Sorry.

[Wish]

I don't know if I deserve support or replies or anything. I'm just so tired of being proved right in my assumption of myself. I'm sick of feeling so worthless and useless, even though I know this is a selfish view and that it is true and everything. I hate feeling like I don't want to do anything and when I don't, I just end up spiralling into a further pit of dark and dismal depression. I hurt myself and sometimes I hate it and yet when I do feel like that, I want to hurt all the more.

No one wants to help me, not really. When they ask it is out of courtesy or manners. I need to get back to what I should be doing, helping other people instead of being selfish and asking for support for myself.

I just can't cope with revision, being fat and having no one that actually wants to speak to me. I can't cope with all of this at all. I don't even know what I am trying to say with this. I just, I feel like giving up hope of ever recovering and just hurting myself over and over because no one cares and realistically, they're never going to.

[nick]

There is always someone that cares, someone in your family, someone at work or at school, maybe even someone that could be on the other side of an ocean who you havent even met. Someone cares, I care. Try to stay strong, whatever problems you may have self harm wont help or solve any one of them, it just adds one more problem for you to deal with.

[Mike321]

As Nick said, theres always someone that cares, we on here do. Have you got a good friend who you can talk do and they might be able to help you out.
And SH is never the answer, it just adds to your problems, not solves them

[Aspiringanonymous]

We care hun, and we do want to help you - that is the purpose of a support community, after all. Helping others is never a waste of time, as it is in many ways also beneficial to oneself. So, for that matter, it is more appropriate to thank you - for giving others such as ourselves the opportunity to make a difference and engage in meaningful discussion.

The only true failure is in surrendering out of one's own will. No matter how unbearable circumstances become, how much one has appeared to be relinquishing the struggle - so long as the faintest glimmer of defiance remains inside, then the battle cannot said to be lost. If the voice in your head speaks of the inevitability of failure, then say to it, if the final result seems not to matter anyway, then it's the process that does. Someone once told me, that it is better to fight for what you want and not get it, than to fight for what you don't want and get it anyway.

Prove the feelings of worthlessness wrong, by standing up for yourself and your own-well being. Why does it matter what other people think? If they cannot take the time and effort to get to know you better rather than be content to formulate judgments based on appearance, then they are not worth all your grief. The truth is, even among those who do care, people are too often caught up in their own hectic lives nowadays to be actively concerned with the plight of those around them - it is not at all your fault, but a characteristic of the modern human condition.

Learn to take care of yourself, as you are the only one who can truly understand your situation best; the only one who can be depended upon to never leave your side. Remember, alone does not always have to mean lonely.

If you need someone, I am always available. Feel free to send a PM any time.

May you find strength during this difficult time. :hug3:

[Wish]

Thank you all, so much. You don't know how much this is helping me.

That's the trouble I think (and what my doctor is most concerned about), that I don't have anyone to talk to apart from online and the ten minute appointments she gives me once every two weeks. I have tried to talk to friends, family, teachers etc but it's difficult to tell your parents that's you're upset because they tell you that they didn't want you born, you're worthless and fat and everything else... they'd just end up hurting you again. I try, I really do but my friends are struggling with revision at the moment themselves and I don't want to burden them. Hopefully my counselling will be referred through soon and it'll work out this time, instead of them saying they don't want to treat me...

I'm not trying to bounce your ideas at all, I do talk to people like friends and teachers, I just get the feelings that they don't want to listen and I harbour so many fears that they'll turn around and hurt me again anyway. It's paranoia that I have to fight and, ironically, I'm paranoid about fighting this paranoia :/

Krezlyn, thanks for what you said. It made a lot of sense. It was good to have the understanding. I think that I need to try and prove myself worthless not just to other people, but to myself... if that makes sense, because I am the one who fundamentally believes it now- hard as I try not to.

It's just difficult when this week especially, I've suddenly been overcome with exhaustion and the want to give up. I've never had to fight urges so much... and they have been dangerous and scary. I mean I look at still being here as something positive but it doesn't feel it at all. It means I have to sit exams and carry on trying to be perfect.

Sleep is not happening, I keep having unsettling dreams and waking up every hour or so which means I wake up tired. I need to calm down. I'm just so scared.

Sorry, I always seem to write too much!

[Kaya]

Even though I dont know you, I care. I would love to help in anyway I can. PM me if you need to talk.

[Aspiringanonymous]

I think that I need to try and prove myself worthless not just to other people, but to myself... if that makes sense, because I am the one who fundamentally believes it now- hard as I try not to.
Then that fundamental belief needs to be challenged and changed, both rationally and intuitively. What external environments tend to strengthen its influence? Notice when the feeling is stronger than usual, as well as when it is comparatively weak - and perhaps conclusions can be drawn from there. Once you are aware of what precisely is amiss, then the adequate steps can be taken to deal with it. Seek out positive environments and people, and avoid negative ones as much as possible. In increased clarity of mind and rational strength lies the key to decisive change.

Where does the roots of this belief lie? Don't be afraid to reason with it, and see what it says. What do you define as worthless, and according to what standards? Why these standards in particular? Just because the majority thinks something doesn't automatically mean they are right, ever.

It is not uncommon to feel unwell during exam time, when stress builds on top of the usual struggles. You'll be okay, just hang in there. :hug3:

[Wish]

Thanks for the support- I always wonder whether I'm being selfish coming back to posts but then I remember, I feel fairly desperate and pathetic right now.

I think that the reason I think I'm worthless is because people have said it in the past. When I say people I mean 'bullies' (though I hate that word) in recent years, my Dad and Mum have said it continually, a couple of guys have taken advantage of me (but never actually done anything, as well as a medical problem. I often say that I am the common factor in all of this and they can't all be wrong about me.

Worthless is difficult to define because, had someone else been through the same things I have, I would want to help them and reach out and would not hesistate to tell them they were amazing. Fact is, it's me and so I am worthless though I know it logically doesn't add up at all.

Perhaps I could keep a notebook or go through the reams and reams of writings I have on my thoughts and notice when they are particularly strong and try to remember why. That might be a useful activity.

Thanks.

[natt]

i agree with everyone, i care aswell. we all know what your going through and i think it's important to you you are not alone.
i believe everyone is equally as special as the next, its just sometimes its harder to see
surround your self in people love and trust, my counciller said to me that she would care if soemthing happened to me when i felt that no one else would and from only knowing her for a few weeks i believed her and it meant a lot to me, there's always someone there for you, you just need to look a little harder when things get low :)
xxxx

[Aspiringanonymous]

It's okay to be selfish. Selfishness is a necessity for survival in this society - if one does not care for oneself, others rarely will do so instead, simply because they are too caught up in attending to their own problems. Therefore it is a responsibility - not to the extent where one gains pleasure off another's pain, but definitely to look out first for one's own immediate needs. If you need help, do not ever hesitate to ask for it.

You have recognized your logic behind the conviction of worthlessness as absurd. That's good, that's already a first step. As I have said, the more time you spend with a clear mind, the more this awareness will sink in and directly challenge the existing belief. Do not forget that - the majority isn't always the truth (in fact, most of the time it is misguided); it is senseless to believe in something that cannot even stand up to the most basic rationality.

It is a step-by-step process. Be patient with yourself, but never lose faith. :hug3:

[Wish]

Thanks. I have an appointment tommorow with the CMHT. I'm terrified that they're going to let me down like CAMHs did. I know I cannot go through that again and so I don't want to trust. I know that's bad... I know that the fundamental issue is a feeling of worthlessness, I know that, I just can't challenge it. Stupid neverending viscious circles.

[jennifer.]

"I hate feeling like I don't want to do anything and when I don't, I just end up spiralling into a further pit of dark and dismal depression."

that's exactly how i feel. i probably shouldn't post cause i have no suggestions or helpful, uplifting things to say. but i guess it's just reassuring to know that someone else is going through the same spiral.

i always describe it as a black hole that i can't get out of.

sorry :/ kind of dampening, but as i said, there's always someone else i guess.

love and hope
x