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deadpie
June 21st, 2010, 08:57 PM
Tony was decomposing a rancid smell in my bed
I took a drill and put a hole right in the tip of his head
Licking at the bruise and snuggling the abuse
Hydrochloric Acid running through your corpse
The sin was good but now I need to have more

You were tied up with barb wire and had a saw to your throat
Took me a minute to catch my breath and then I filled it back up with smoke
I bashed your graceful face with a crowbar so I didn't have to feel so ugly
You were my favorite collection of nothing

And I sleep beside a mannequin when I'm alone
I'd hack off your arms if I'd wanted to hear you moan
Watch your body turn to mold and I'll caress your bones
Maybe I'll kill myself or just decide to run back home
Maybe listen to my parents ring on the telephone
But I'll never stop doing what I love if I stay unknown

And I hate to say it, but i loved every goddamn second of it.

Heretic
June 22nd, 2010, 09:21 PM
Pretty good, definitely out of the ordinary which I like. One spelling error, 4th line it's "through" not "threw". Good work, keep it up.

Sith Lord 13
June 23rd, 2010, 07:52 PM
Pretty good, definitely out of the ordinary which I like. One spelling error, 4th line it's "through" not "threw". Good work, keep it up.

I liked it better the other way actually, but OK.

Scarface
June 23rd, 2010, 07:59 PM
Nice lol. I actually liked the way you put this Watch your body turn to mold and I'll caress your bones
Good man.

Heretic
June 23rd, 2010, 11:28 PM
I liked it better the other way actually, but OK.

You like grammatical errors? That totally makes sense.

Sith Lord 13
June 24th, 2010, 09:41 AM
You like grammatical errors? That totally makes sense.

Actually, I liked the visual imagery of the corpse being thrown while the acid ran. It's poetry, things don't have to be as precise as prose. The beauty of it is more important.

CrazyGaga
June 24th, 2010, 11:10 AM
it is actually awesome although slightly disturbing!! lol :D

deadpie
June 24th, 2010, 01:36 PM
it is actually awesome although slightly disturbing!! lol :D

I accomplished my goal.

The Ninja
June 24th, 2010, 08:26 PM
well thanks for scarring me for life lol. your pretty good wanna judge poems for my forum (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?p=929613#post929613) or maybe even work as a writer.