I hate everything.

[smile]

okay hi, sorry this is a really random post but erm well i dont really know! ive gotten to a point where i dont even know what i am doing anymore. Why do we even hurt ourselves, OD, cut, burn ect we know its bad and most dont want to but why? i know its an addiction but i just cant deal with it anymore it makes me so angry to even think about it. i hate it, i hate everything about it, i hate myself for doing it. I dont think i even want to do it, but i cant not do it, maybe that means i do want to do it. Does anyone understand what i mean?? sorry this isnt making much sense i cant really explain what i mean.

Why cant we tell anyone? Why do we always lie? Dont we deserve a life like everyone else? I feel like im addicted to ecstacy or something, that id undersand more. I look at people in the street, looking for scars, no one has any, i dont think i have ever seen anyone with scars, i wonder how can they got through life without cutting themselves? (i know some might have scars elsewhere) why do i even look for scars? what the hell is wrong with me? How is it even possible to live and not hurt yourslef? But then how can we not get through life without cutting? We should be able to, dont we have a right to?

im sorry this is a massive rant, i dont know what to do anymore im falling apart :'(. Sorry again :( and for the repetitiveness. you dont have to reply btw. take care x

[ackmedsgirl666]

hey
its all ok. i understand how you maybe be feeling. i am covered in scars that i regretfully have to look at everyday whenever i dress or look down at my wrists. life is never perfect and i can see that you are struggling. is there anything in particular that you are struggling with( its ok if you don't want to share or you can om me if you want to)
have you tried talking to anyone councellor etc??
if not maybe you should consider it
i know it helped me alot. hope this helps
take care

[smile]

hey, thanks for replying. Thankyou. I know its horrible, i just want everything to disappear, when i see the scras i think okay im going to stop now its ugly and horrible, but i never do. I know life isnt perfect, can it at least be okay?! I dont know, i have no one particular thing, this makes me feel worse, i read other peoples posts ect and obviously i want them to have a great life, but it seems something has actually happened to make them hurt themselves, (i realise if you read this it may sounds really horrible but i really dont mean it like that i dont know how to explain myself) i dont have a reason i feel selfish, i hate myself.

No i havent, i have been considering for wuite a while but i cant let my mum find out, if i 'see' someone she will and i dont know how to avoid that. Im very glad you found help and they did help you :) thankyou for listening to me, i keep going on sorry... x

[Aspiringanonymous]

Hannah, it's okay to rant, no need to apologize. :hug3:

Our experiences cannot always be traced to a clear, discernible cause. Sometimes it is the result of too many small insignificances piled together, other times it is because the reasons are yet obscure, unable to be comprehended by us in our current mental state. Nonetheless, it is irrelevant, for the suffering is very much real.

Emotional pain, addiction to self-harm, and the negative energy which fosters it all, seeks to sustain itself within your consciousness. The first step to gain mastery over it is to become aware of its entirety. Identify the destructive forces at work inside, and perceive it as separate from your core self. So, instead of saying "I don't want to do it but then I do", it would be something like, "I don't want to do it. But the addiction wants me to, do it to feed its own hunger. It is too strong for me to effectively resist now, so I have been giving in, but I can gain that power back if I persist in the effort."

Recognize negative thought patterns, also, as an aspect of the influences asserting its control over your being - through emotion, but also in thought, attempting to manipulate logic to suit its purposes. Do not trust these thoughts; those that seek to pull you even lower as a result of feeling low, thereby creating a vicious cycle.

Clarity of mind and a reasonable understanding of your experience is essential if strength and willpower is to be cultivated. This is one way to expel hindering confusion; it is what best works for me. Perhaps there are other strategies.

There was a time when you existed without self-harm (even if you can't remember it clearly), and you can most certainly return to that. Never lose heart; the mind, and the intuition, are stronger than they may seem at times.

May you find clarity and the strength to fight. :hug3:

[starrburst]

I know exactly what you mean, don't worry your not alone in this world *hugs*
I have no clue why i cut, i just can't survive without it. I don't understand how anyone can't self harm, how do they deal with it all?
I do know mine is to do with how much I hate this world, nothing is good...all the unneeded conflict, abuse and killing. I have troubled thoughts, and the self esteem to match. It's hard,so hard. And I nearly killed myself because I thought; If life after death is true, it must be better than this. I have no real talents, no distractions. I did however start learning different languages. It helps a bit. I hate life, surely there are good things on this god damn planet? Butno...no there are not...or if they are it can't be much. Music helps me escape....cutting makes me happy, helps me know that I am alive. It's not over till your underground, so don't give up.

Pm me if you want, good luck! xxx

[ocean_blue]

i feel exactly the same sometimes... some people here have really tragic and awful things that have lead to their problems, and compared to that mine just seem selfish and self centred.
but at the end of the day we all do what we do, and i cant help why i cut anymore than i can stop cutting so i just just try and use it as a positive.
look at the fact that you dont have one terrible reason to cut as a reason not to cut, and the world may suck but that doesnt mean that there are no good things ever anywhere.
look for the good things, (the music? the laughter?) they may be had to find but that doesnt mean theyre not there.
it may not be easy, but that doesnt mean its not worth a try
hugs and good luck
:) pm me whenever if you want xx

[smile]

Thankyou everyone for even replying you dont know how much that means to me.
Maya - thankyou, i guess no matter what the 'reason' is people still suffer, but i feel like my reason is pointless and pathetic. Okay i will try and take on that attitude, and not think that i do actually want to do it, i will also try and think more positively :). I never even thought about the times when i didnt self harm, that sounds really stupid but i honestly didnt, thankyou for reminding me of this. But i think i think to myself that i was too young then to understand a reason why i would hurt myself, or that i could hurt mentally. Thanks.

Starrburst - thankyou so much, im glad someone knows what i mean. Im very sorry to hear that you hate this world so much, and also that you have tried to kill yourself, its hard to admit that. Surprisingly that seems to be a good argument about life after death :/. Dont think you dont have any talents, they may not be obvious like singing or dancing but you do, you just need to know where to look. Being linguistic is a talent, and a very good one, well done for that. I can only just speak french! There are good, beautiful things in this world, i know i may not seem like the most positive person in the world but i refuse to believe there is nothing good in the world. Thankyou, you can PM too if you wanna talk.

ocean blue - yes i know it makes you feel awful, im obviously not glad you feel like that too, but i am kinda that we are on the same wavelength and im not the only one. Yes i know there are good things in the world, i feel strongly about this, i realise this may sound a bit contradictive :S but there are and it gives me reason to not give up. I just have days where i say no point anymore. Thankyou again, and you too.

I dont know why i replied to everyone, sorry if this annoyes everyone. thankyou for listening. Take care xx