I'm worried and annoyed.

[clr9823]

Well, my life has been shit for months... years even. But somehow I've managed to put a smile on it most of the time, telling myself the bullshit "It will get better" etc. Well, the last week I've just snapped. I'm constantly depressed.

And I don't think I'm just being some hormonal teenager when I say this. My parents don't support me, in fact they crush me. For example, when I got a letter from the school telling me I won an award I told my dad. I accidentally told him the wrong date for when it was getting presented to me, and he got so enraged by this that I got kicked out for 3 days.
Also I feel as if I'm just wasting all of my talent. I discovered that I have a real skill with digital art, for example. Yet when I mentioned to my dad that a graphics tablet might be a good idea, I was told "You don't need one. [End of Conversation]".
I'm made to feel as if I'm a failure for every little thing I do wrong. I have not been in trouble with the school once, nor the police once. Since my first year at school my reports have been glowing... I don't know what the fuck more they could possibly want.

Neither of my parents work ffs! And yet the have the cheek to tell me that I need to work harder (after telling them that I got top grade in a maths test :/ ). And it's not as if they are incapable of working, it's just that they're both lazy and don't use the considerable talents that they both possess.

And now I'm in my second last year of school. It's hard, but I'm managing to cope fine with the work. But it's stressful: fail one test and you have to drop a subject. And on top of that I have the stress from home. One of them is going to have to give, and I worry that I might drop school, waste my potential and fuck up all chances of having a decent life in the future.

I'm worried that soon I'm going to lose all ability to cope and do something stupid, and what's scary is that I can't say for 100% that suicide might not come into my mind. I'm not suicidal atm, but if this continues for much longer I could see myself becoming so.

Sorry for the long rant :(

[Aspiringanonymous]

Don't be sorry, this is what we are here for, to listen. :hug3:

I know how frustrating it is to live in an environment which seems to only squander your abilities. I started living alone at a very young age, and it is undoubtedly the best thing that ever happened to me - everything begins to fall into place once the external chaos is replaced by a comfortable, compatible calm. Believe me, it does.

Unfortunately, it is not always possible to willfully change our circumstances; sometimes it's just a matter of surviving an ordeal in the most strategic way possible. Everything will pass, that is for certain, but how does one hold out until the end in one piece? I cannot tell you, as you alone know your situation best - the external, and the internal.

The aim is to foster calm from within, despite the negative influences all around you. Recognize the dangers of destructive thoughts - the more you worry, the less energy there will be to contribute towards productivity, causing more worry and escalating the problem. Perhaps this awareness is causing even more negativity right now - don't let it - after all, the first step to overcoming anything is to understand what it is.

Anger, resentment, worry, whatever it is; all of these feelings are justified and understandable, but as a constant presence in your consciousness, they are very much unnecessary and can only do more harm than good. It's okay to feel angry in response to a frustrating situation, but once it's over, focus on letting the emotions go. Even in a persistently negative environment, it is possible to reach out beyond its barriers for something better; to show all the forces acting to bring you down, that they are only as powerful as your mind and spirit will allow. Even for short amounts of time.

Be open. Look to the horizons. Find the courage and wisdom to prevail. And never, ever lose hope.