She ruined me.

[loveletmego]

I apologize ahead of time, this will be very long.
I'm sorry.
I need this, I need this so badly.
Please spare some of your time to read it all, I need someone to talk to so badly.






My girlfriend, well now ex.
We were dating for a good while.
And as juvenile as it sounds.
I loved her.
I loved her so much.
I still do. I still do just as much as I did months ago.
We never fought.
We never had problems.
I was the happiest I have ever been, in my entire life.
From the day I was born, to the moment of now where I cry at the thought of the cracks in her palm, holding her when she was sleeping was the happiest I ever been.
And now she's pregnant with someone else's kid.
I've been throwing up, I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't laugh. I can't smile.
I love her so much.
I miss her so fucking much.
She told me she's never known love before, she fucking told me that.
Then she let him inside.
I asked her if she ever really loved me like I loved her.
She said she knew I could never believe her, but she did.
And I know I shouldn't believe her.
But believing that she loved me is the only thing keeping me going right now.
The only reason I can fucking get through a day.
Not a single moment goes by where I don't miss her.
I can't accept that I won't ever hold her again, I won't feel her kiss again.
Part of me deep down needs to feel that one day it'll be okay.
One day I'll hold her again.

He took her from me, he took her god damn virginity.
And I was going to give her mine, We were going to give eachothers.
And now this happened.
Now she's pregnant.
I can't even think of it without the most indescribable feeling in my throat, in my chest. In my head.
How.
How could she do this.
I used all the words, all the metaphors, all the little things, everything I could, every day, to show her I loved her.
I said every word I ever could, I told her things I have never told anyone.
She was the first I've ever used those words on.
Now when I use them again, it won't be the same unless it's her.

It's only the third fucking day and it's just getting worse.
Last night I woke up, I had that feeling you get when you wake up from a terrible nightmare. I said to myself, thankgod this is over, thankgod I have her. Then it hit me, this wasn't the fucking dream, this was the reality. I lost it so badly, I've haven't cried in years, and I lost it this morning like I never have. She did this to me, and I still love her. I still want her next to me so god damn much. She's all I think about, absolutely all I think about.
I like to tell myself someone, once in a blue moon could hurt someone like that and still love them.
She has an awfully rough life.
Her dad's an alchoholic, her mom's abusive and hits her, she's losing her mind.
And now I am to.
And I keep telling myself maybe it wasn't my fault, maybe she did love me.
But what did I do wrong?
What did I do? Did I not make her happy enough? Did I not give her what she needed?
She still says she hates herself, she deserves every harsh word everyone's said, every friend hating her now.
She still says I made her the happiest she's ever been.
But how could she do that?
I want her again so badly.
She meant everything to me.
And deep down I know she's better than the mistake she made.
As hard as it is to admit that, as hard as it is for anyone to believe that.
She's not the fuckup she made.
It doesn't define her.
She made me so fucking happy and now I can't look anywhere or hear anything without thinking of her.
I'm young, I've got a life of head of me.
But I'm honest to God scared I won't love like I loved her again.
I'm so scared I won't ever trust again.
Yet I still love her.
I still fucking love her.
I can't think of her face without tears breaking the dry gaze in my eyes.
I can't keep down any fucking food.
This was the last thing I ever expected from her, the last.
I know people say that all the time, "I never expected it"
But we were so fucking happy.
I remember one night we lied by a fire under the night sky.
And I swear to God when I saw her face lit up by the moon, it was more beautiful than the stars and sky itself. I'd give anything to go back to that for one more day, one more hour, on more minute. This was two weeks ago. Two weeks ago I was the happiest I have ever been, and now, now I'm this. I don't have a word for it, there is none, I am just this. I am this weeping, vomiting sack of miserable shit.
And all I want is her.
All I want is her to come weeping in my arms and beg for me to give her one last chance.
And I want to so badly.
I know I've been wronged.
I know I have.
But she let me know what love is.
She let me know.
Now she has let me know the worst pain I have ever felt.
And I just want her back. So badly.
I want to forgive her.
I want to start over with her.
Could that ever, ever happen?

[Clawhammer]

Really sorry you have to go through all this. If you want to talk to me, shoot me an email or whatever any time. There's plenty of people here willing to talk. Best advice I can give you right now is go to a place you know you won't be found or disturbed, and just let it all out. Keeping it all pent up can kill you, there's no shame in crying, lad. And as impossible as it might seem sometimes, you can get through this. Just hold on. Good luck.

[nick]

I'm not sure from what you've said what her attitudes are towards you and towards the father. Has she ditched you for him or was is some sort of foolish one night stand?

If she still loves you and would want you back then you have a big choice to make as to whether you can forgive her. If she is keeping the baby then thats an issue too obviously, whether you could stand that or whether it would eat away at you knowing it wasnt yours. All I would say is that everyone makes mistakes, has things that they look back on and regret. If you love her and she loves you then can you bring yourself to forgive this mistake?

If she doesnt love you, or prefers to have a relationship with the father then you have little choice but to move on. That isnt something that happens overnight, it could take weeks or months for you to get over it. Sorry, but that's life, I know, been there.

Always happy to talk, or just to listen, if you need someone.

[loveletmego]

I'm not sure from what you've said what her attitudes are towards you and towards the father. Has she ditched you for him or was is some sort of foolish one night stand?

If she still loves you and would want you back then you have a big choice to make as to whether you can forgive her. If she is keeping the baby then thats an issue too obviously, whether you could stand that or whether it would eat away at you knowing it wasnt yours. All I would say is that everyone makes mistakes, has things that they look back on and regret. If you love her and she loves you then can you bring yourself to forgive this mistake?

If she doesnt love you, or prefers to have a relationship with the father then you have little choice but to move on. That isnt something that happens overnight, it could take weeks or months for you to get over it. Sorry, but that's life, I know, been there.

Always happy to talk, or just to listen, if you need someone.

It was a more one night stand type deal.
She doesn't have anything for him from what I understand.
When me and her talked yesterdays it mostly "I'm so sorry, I fucked up, I regret it more than anything else in my life, I hate myself for it. I deserved everything everyone's saying, I deserved it when *name* punched me in the stomach, I deserve it all."

I just want her to say she wants to work through this.
But she's keeping the baby.
And I don't know if I can do that.
I don't know what I have left in me.
But I want to stay with her so badly.

[nick]

It was a more one night stand type deal.
She doesn't have anything for him from what I understand.
When me and her talked yesterdays it mostly "I'm so sorry, I fucked up, I regret it more than anything else in my life, I hate myself for it. I deserved everything everyone's saying, I deserved it when *name* punched me in the stomach, I deserve it all."

I just want her to say she wants to work through this.
But she's keeping the baby.
And I don't know if I can do that.
I don't know what I have left in me.
But I want to stay with her so badly.
Then give yourself time to think, dont rush to a decision. Take a few more days at least then see how you feel.

[loveletmego]

Then give yourself time to think, dont rush to a decision. Take a few more days at least then see how you feel.

Do you think it'd be a good idea to take a few hours for me and her to just talk about this in person, away from anyone and anything else?
We texted a few times, but she no longer has her phone, she ran from her mother.
I think she's with her dad.

But I feel this is the only way I
ll be able to to think clearly in any way.

[LeopardSox]

I think you have a good idea wanting to talk to her in person. You and her can talk and make some decisions about this and besides this whole thing is between the two of you. Talk it out and try to reach some answers on what you two want to do about it so you can both have closure and not have painful regrets for the rest of your life.

[nick]

Do you think it'd be a good idea to take a few hours for me and her to just talk about this in person, away from anyone and anything else?
We texted a few times, but she no longer has her phone, she ran from her mother.
I think she's with her dad.

But I feel this is the only way I
ll be able to to think clearly in any way.
Yes, see if you can get her on neutral ground, a coffee shop maybe, or perhaps a park.

[ILOVEYOU]

Ok.. mate, i completely know and i really feel you, i know how it is to see the only one you've ever loved is now with somebody else and is even making love with'em.. and as you say she's even pregnant. my advice would be, to leave it all, i know its hard, but you have to get over with it. she wont be the first girl, she has changed, she has trusted someone else, and she's going to grow up somebody else's baby, and of course she says "i love you" to her new bf, and she really means it.
if i was you, i wouldnt fuckin care, and i would just try my best to forget about her, if she was intelligent enough, she would pick the right one, she would stay with the right one. we have two kinds of people who can understand love, those who understand Love and want to stay with their love forever, and those who do understand it, but want to taste more, and find another. the second kind are good heart breakers.
some girls are good heart breakers.. i dont know about boys, but girls are good ones. its either they are scared of boys, or they are simply cruel.
i dont know.. you just turned my hate part on, and you reminded me the days i was feeling just like you.. and now when i look back and see what the hell happened there, i see that i was doing nothing but wasting my time, i could do a lot of other things, than thinking about her and thinking what the hell i did wrong.
and just as a good-luck, life's too short, just do your best to enjoy it. i've felt how short it is.. ! so you can trust me about it.
Good Luck!

[CestDan]

OK, well, first of all let me tell you that I really feel bad about what happened to you. I won't I say that I've had a similar situation or that I understand how you feel because I don't. However, I'm pretty sure of one thing, and I'll explain it to you right now. And believe me, it's hard to hear it and even understand it in these desperate moments, but once you've understood and accept this, your life will be back, and even happier than you used to be...

I know that this event has made you feel a lot of negative feelings: anger, disappointment, sadness, fear and more; and of course you have the reason for being like that. But, and listen to me very carefully: no one, I repeat, NO ONE CAN DECIDE OR CONTROL THE WAY YOU FEEL. That's one of the worst mistakes that many people (including me) have done at least once. We can love someone with all our hearts, strengths, and soul; and I agree with that. Everybody needs to receive love and gives it to others. What I don't agree is that our emotions are controlled by this person. I'm not saying that she has the intention to do that to you, in fact, I doubt it. But, you have to understand that YOU and only YOU are the one who can control the way you feel. Now, I know it's very hard right now to change your mood. I'm not saying that for tomorrow you will be fine and very very happy, that could take a long time. But you have to understand: The way you feel is decided only by you...

You have to be strong in this situation. It's a deep and a very sad fall, but, let me tell you something buddy, falls like this one and even worst ones will be during all our lives; and we have to get over them if we want to go on with this wonderful experience named: life. Anyway, the important thing here is that you must start feeling, little by little, better. I know, I know, It's hard, you could even say or think that it's impossible, but, my dear friend, it's not! You have to learn how to control it. To start feeling better, you need to have better thoughts... how?? Just let it go!! As I understood, this girls was everything for you, but, let me set it in this way... you can feel all the time sad for what she did it to you; however, that will not avoid that she continues her life and perhaps she forgets what she did it to you... It sound cruel, but most of the time it's true! The point is that you have to understand that is nonsense that you continue feel like that.

You must start feeling good and health now! Clear your mind, get distracted: play video games, hang out with friends, listen to happy music, whatever that makes you feel better. The objective is that you have to forget what is making you feel bad, in this case, that situation. You may see her while you're walking on the street, in those cases, just think that nobody can make you feel bad and she didn't deserve you. "You are better than her" if you want think it like that....

Now, don't be afraid to love again, because believe me that love is one of the most wonderful feelings in this world (sound like a fairy tale but it's true) and you wouldn't like to miss it just because this experience. Like I told you at the beginning, I've never had a situation similar than yours, but what I have indeed experienced is love deceptions. As I see it, the only things that are important to keep in our memory are those ones who make us feel happy. In those cases, I suggest you to remember how YOU (not she) YOU felt when you were fallen in love. That sensation of happiness, of joy. Don't remember her, because that could make you feel bad, but remember all those moments where you were happy, where you feel that joy!!! And those feelings keep them, clutch at that feelings instead of clutching at her. Here's the big difference! You can be happy in the topic of love, but the option is not mine but yours.

Each of us has something special, I'm sure of it, so you do!!! Although I don't know you, let me tell you that you are someone who values and nobody has to make you feel like that... I know it's hard to hear or understand what I was telling you, but believe, once you have, you are creating your own life by YOU and only YOU... no matter who you are or what is your current situation... you have the control, you can get over this!!!

I really wish you were better, perhaps not now, not tomorrow, but very soon. And I really hope this could help you. Now, I can tell you a lot of things, I can tell you with all good intentions what to do, and also our mates in this forum, we can tell you "cheer up" and give you tons of advises, but the decision is only yours. You are the only one who can decide how to feel, and you can to start feeling better now!!

You can do it... I trust you ;)

[loveletmego]

Thanks for the help guys.

Well, recently.
I went to the movies on Friday, and she happened to text my best friend, who I was with.
"You were right. I think I do love him..still. I just saw him at the movies and nearly cried."
He told her where we were and to "Go talk to him"
Part of me wanted her to so badly come in.
And cry to me.
Come in and beg.
So we could just go back to how it was.
I wanted that so fucking badly.
And she just told him "I think I'm the last person he wants to see right now"

Last night, I was with some friends. I had to drive my friend home while the rest hung out infront of my house till I got back. Two of them were going to get picked up by my ex to go over to her house(they're best friends), but I wouldn't be home so it was whatever.
So I ended up coming back early, and she was talking with them in my driveway, and as soon as they saw me pulling up they all went to their car as fast as they could.
For some reason that absolutely killed me.
So badly.
I asked my friend how she seemed.

He said "Well she was with *name* and *name*, so she seemed like she always does with them"
All happy and hyper and whatnot, it's how she is with her friends.
But she was infront of myhouse and for some reason I wished that bothered her.
Cause when I see the slightest thing that reminds me of her, it kills, no matter who I'm with.
As stupid as it is, I was upset that she wasn't bothered by being infront of where I lived.

I don't know what to do.
We're suppose to talk next weekend.
Supposed to.

[lipstick_kisses23]

I can't imagine the pain you must be going throuh, I'm so so sorry this had to happen to you because you seem like a real sincere, loving, real person. I'm not gonna say youre gonna get over it soon, but one day when someone as lovely as you catches your attention you'll be so much happier. This is what I tell myself because I'm still feeling the sting of a bad break up after six months. Keep your head up honey, if you'd like to talk I have all the time in the world.
<3 Kuppy

[MyNameIsJack]

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