Am I a coward?

[MadManWithaBox]

I almost did it. After 3 failed attempts. Tonight. I stood on the edge of the bridge,overlooking the motorway. Certain you know. Wrist slashing, pills, their not certain, this is. I stood there, and you know, i couldn't do it. At least not without saying goodbye. And justifying it to myself. so I came back, and came on here. He's only given me another week, then he's back from laura. Am I a coward? Will he punish me for it?

[Sith Lord 13]

You are NOT a coward. It take a hell of a lot of strength to stare down that cliff and walk away. Death is not now, nor will ever be the answer. Suicide is running away from your problems. Living, that's what takes courage. Having to deal with the issues your facing, continuing the fight, that's what takes courage.

Matt, you are an amazing person. You're strong. You can overcome the obstacles in your path. I can say for certain my life is richer for having met you, and I've only had a few interactions with you. Don't rob other people of that chance to have you help them. Death does not end your problems. It just lets you run away from them.

[Mike321]

You are by no means a coward, it takes alot of guts to stnad right on the edge then walk away, i'm really proud of you for making the right choice to walk away. As Alex said, death is never then answer it has massive consiquences for the people you leave behind.
Your a strong person and a great help to everyone on here, we're all here to help you.
You only get one chance at life, and no matter how bad it gets, its not worth throwing it all away

[georgiamay]

i completely agree with what the others said; you are NOT a coward. walking away from that bridge takes more courage than jumping off it would. suicide would be more cowardly than walking away from it, cause suicide is like running away from your problems rather than facing them and trying to sort them out. it's a permanent solution to a temporary solution.

you are a very strong person if you managed to walk away. you only get 1 life, so it's not worth throwing it away over a temporary problem.

we're all here to help you. PM me if you ever need to talk.

[Aly.C]

Yep i agree with everyone else..
Walking away from that.. makes you a stronger braver person rather than if you had tossed it in and jumped.
Obviously ive never met you.. but trust me whatever is happening will get better, things will go on.. you dont need to end your life.. You have one life - make the most of it, live it to the fullest..

Alex

:)

[1_21Guns]

No Matt, your not a coward. Your anything but.
Your brave, strong, and better than death.
Takes a lot of strength to just walk away.
You stood up to him again, and who is he to decide when you die?
Nobody.
Matt you deserve better than him, better than this.
Death is final, seems like a good way to end everything, but it's not.
It never is.

[MadManWithaBox]

Well thats not the way it feels right now. It feels like I was too scared to jump, when I know I could of, and I'm just trying to justify it with excuses about saying goodbye.

[1_21Guns]

Well thats not the way it feels right now. It feels like I was too scared to jump, when I know I could of, and I'm just trying to justify it with excuses about saying goodbye.

your scared to die, because you don't know what its like. it's perfectly normal Matt, it doesnt make you a coward.

[MadManWithaBox]

But I was perfectly ready to die. All those times before, if people had found, or If I hadn't thrown up. Now, I'm not sure what's changed.

[1_21Guns]

But I was perfectly ready to die. All those times before, if people had found, or If I hadn't thrown up. Now, I'm not sure what's changed.

your never ready to die. ever. you threw up or whatever for a reason, because you werent ready. your still young Matt.

[Sith Lord 13]

Matt,

I know this can be hard to believe, but it was not fear that kept you from jumping. It was strength. It was the fact that you know you can overcome the obstacles life gives you. It was the fact that you have something to live for. Walking away from that bridge was in no way cowardly. You're a good guy. Don't give up on life. It does get better. It may take a long time but it does get better. You just have to stick around to see it.

[MadManWithaBox]

But when I did it last year, if someone hadn't come i , i would be dead. So now, even though the situation is if anything, worse, I didn't die, in a way that would have definitely killed me. Something has changed me, I'm just not sure what.

[1_21Guns]

But when I did it last year, if someone hadn't come i , i would be dead. So now, even though the situation is if anything, worse, I didn't die, in a way that would have definitely killed me. Something has changed me, I'm just not sure what.

you saw sense for a while Matt, you saw the reality everyone does without the haze of him. you saw the part of life you lived for. you remembered why you lived. yeah, somethings changed you hun, and its for the better.

[MadManWithaBox]

Yes you're right. And while that does sound good, he still exists. And so the thought is still there. i HAVE A PLAN, i'M NOT SURE IF i can implement wbefore he comes back

[1_21Guns]

Yes you're right. And while that does sound good, he still exists. And so the thought is still there. i HAVE A PLAN, i'M NOT SURE IF i can implement wbefore he comes back

you can only try hun, you can beat the obstacles, and you know it, or like Sith Lord 13 said, you'd of jumped.

[MadManWithaBox]

But if he comes back say, today, or tommorow, when I'l do what I plan, Its gone.

[nick]

Frankly Matt I dont know whether what stopped you was cowardice or strength and in a sense I dont care which it was, I'm just glad that you didnt jump. If you ever need an ear at a dark time just let me know.

[MadManWithaBox]

Maybe.

[TigerLily]

Matt, I want you to do me a favour.. make a list of all the things you want to do before you die, no matter how big or how little, how insignificant, whatever. Even if it's like, watch the next episode of Doctor Who (copied from your avatar :P), or travel the world, fall in love, run a marathon, learn how to play guitar.. anything. It doesn't matter what it is, or how stupid it is, whatever comes to mind. And I want you to keep writing, on and on and on.. and while you're doing that, just try not to focus on your troubles, but just all those things left to do, to see, to feel, to experience.. and please, I'm begging you, realize that there's so much more left to life. Reasons to live, no matter how insignificant. Sometimes things are really awful in life, and no it's not fair that you have to go through them, at all. But, the one thing you do have is the promise tomorrow may bring, and the day after that, and the day after that.. I don't know if I'm making sense. Just please, you have so much potential Matt.. it isn't your time yet, I promise. Take care Matt, and please feel free to keep PM-ing me (even if my advice is kinda rubbish >.<). We love you. <3
:hug:

[MadManWithaBox]

Well... that was part of the reason. The Doctor Who bit. How pathetic is that

[TigerLily]

I don't think it's pathetic.. I think it's hope, and hope is precious as hell.
Like I said, tbh I don't care what it is, as long as it's something.
And if something insignificant can carry you through these times, it might just bring you to better times where you can list a hundred other better reasons you want to stay alive, reasons why you were so glad you never jumped yesterday.

[MadManWithaBox]

I'd to think so. But when I say it out loud, it sounds incredibly insignificant. In my head it sounds fine. When I say it, it sounds like a weak excuse.

[TigerLily]

There's no such thing as a weak excuse to keep on fighting all the shit you're going through in hope of something a million times better. To keep on going when there's so much going on in your head telling you otherwise. I don't know about you, but I call that immense strength. Not weakness. <3

[MadManWithaBox]

I was standing there. Then I said to myself oh I'm gonna miss doctor who. So I'd go after. Then when that was finished, I said to myself oh I need to do this mission on red dead redemption. Then when I'd done that, I said, oh I have to play this song on beatles rockband. To put it simply, I kept putting it off. I'm not sure if thats strength or not.

[TigerLily]

Well I think it is. And I want you to keep putting it off, always. And if you ever run out of reasons to put it off, go back to that list I told you about and write a thousand more, kay? (: <3

[MadManWithaBox]

All I can do is try. So it seems.

[nick]

Matt, what that proves is that there are things that you enjoy. There will always be another episode, another track you can put on. Latch onto the things that are good, the things you enjoy, that's what keeps us all going in the end.

[MadManWithaBox]

I love doctor who. I love video games even more. But he doesn't let me enjoy them that much anymore. He's gone for a week. Hence why I didn't jump. When he comes back, he'll make me punish myself for not doing it.

[Amyxoxo]

Why would you punish yourself for not dying?
Your not a coward at all. Maybe if people keep saying this then you might get it into your head.
OK, so you have tried this before?
If so then why wouldn't you do it?
Seriously if you really wanted this and you actually wanted to die then you would have done it, nothing would have stopped you. You wouldn't be here at this moment. So there you don't want to die. You just think you are running away from all the bad things. Well basically your not going to get away. All your problems will just be left to your family.
So tbh, my opinion. If you actually done it, you would then become a coward ...

[MadManWithaBox]

If it hadn't been for people's interventions, and the fact I throw up far too easily, I would be dead. Something has changed. now I'm a bit surer what.

[Kaya]

you are NOT a coward.

[Kaya]

PM me anytime.