I actually need it now :/

[LoveMe_HateMe]

I'd gone so long without cutting that as time progressed not only did the urges get worse, but also my moods, if you read my other threads about it you'll see what I mean. But since I gave in about 2 days ago I've actually been happier with myself. The cutting/burning actually releases everything all the bad shit and it does actually make me happier. I'm not just saying that. I don't want to have to depend on S.H to be happy but it works (and its the only thing that does seem to work). After I've done it, I don't even feel any regret or guilt that I broke my promise of not doing it any more. But...when I feel low again it kinda kicks in. The boyfriend coming over in a bit, and I have the feeling that I'm going to do something so I stay in a happy mood while he's around. I hate him seeing me in that shitty mood, always crying, pulling away from him etc.

So yeah, I don't really know what to do, cause when I do it, I feel like my old self. So do I cut and be happy or don't cut and be miserable. They're my only two options... :confused:

[Sith Lord 13]

You don't need it. It's a coping mechanism, yes, but not a good one. You can find other ways to cope. Cutting is not the only way to feel happy. You know that. You need to find other ways to be happy again.

[LoveMe_HateMe]

Yeah I know I do, but everything else I've tried so far doesn't work anymore, and I've run out of ideas.

[Sith Lord 13]

Yeah I know I do, but everything else I've tried so far doesn't work anymore, and I've run out of ideas.

So start over. Try combinations of things. Try new things. Try old things again. Just don't stop trying.

[MadManWithaBox]

You don't need it. I know you think you do, but you don't/

[Amyxoxo]

As ,many people do, especially with self harming.
I know that this is probably a bad idea in the long run but hey ... Put on a mask. Stuff the mood that you are feeling. Don't cut. Just pretend that you are feeling high on life. Just pretend that everything is OK.
If it is good and working, change your base mood. Make sure you always have a smile on your face. Maybe one day, rather soon you will become the happy, beautiful girl that we all know you are.
Amy x

[LoveMe_HateMe]

Thanks Amy. But.. My masks are starting to crack, cause we've finished school i'm not around people as often any more so I don't need to keep it up as long anymore, maybe only for 2/3 hours a day, it's getting weaker. And I'm getting sick of pretending. Sick of hiding behind the smiles. I don't want people seeing what I'm really like...If they did, they'd definitley leave me, its abit funny at the moment anyway. There's only one person who has seen past the smiles far too many times and its not fair on him. So if I cut/burn whatever...I'll be happier in myself...Right...Even if it is only for a couple of hours. Them couple of hours will be enough to get me through the times that I'm at school...

Does that make sense? Or is it just a load of random babble? :/

[Amyxoxo]

No, it makes sense. I totally understand. I know how precious self harm is.
Maybe you need to start again. But yeah, probs not the best idea.
Well I'm not condoning it however if you are sure ...
But how about we trade, you do what you are going to do and then you try and find a way to keep you happy or whatever apart from cutting? Like just try?

[LoveMe_HateMe]

I've already tried things, things that I've loved doing in the past, stuff like drawing, playing the guitar, reading etc, but I either get bored really quickly or it just makes me feel worse. And cause I'm abit of a perfectionist when it comes to drawing, I get wound up, too wound up, when it doesn't look right and normally end up throwing things. I've resorted to just sitting and staring at the wall...Even in exams. I'll just sit and stare for 5 minutes at a time.