Asylum
June 10th, 2010, 11:06 PM
Hi, I'm Songul, i live in Turkey. I've "self mutilated" for as long as i can remeber... When i was litle and my dad would hit me id dig my nails into my skin, bite myself, pull hair, putting my hand on lightbulbs until i hurt a lot anything... in middle school.. i was bullied relly bad... i then stopped eating.. i was only like 5 or six when i stoped. parents would threaten me to eat saying wellfeed you thru needles i we must.. that got me to eat one chicken nugget.. i was extremely underweight,neighbors woud ask if i was sick all the time.. my pediatrican would beg me to eat. but i coudn't.. from 5th grade on.. i couldn't go to recess for fear of being physialy or emotionall hurt by others.. because that is what would hapen if i wnt outside, it wasn't just a paranioa thing.. i'd get pushed in hallways,boooks get knocked over, rumors spread, i was called "emo", if i tried to talk to anyone at that schoo besides three people they would look at me lke.. why the hell are you talking to me? O_o sometimes they would say it.. so i kept quite.. the people i hung out with didn't talk either.. we just al sat at the same desk and studied during lunch.. i never ate lunch so ijust studeid then at recess go down to clean teachers rooms. my dad got very violent that year in 7th and 8th grade... he actually broke my wrist and another tme sprained it... teachers at school.. hated me.. art teacher was the devil.. she woud rip up projects,tell us we are worthles.. i'd get a lot of teachers telling me i was wrthless, and parents.. mom dishess out emotional abuse lik it's candy on halloween. i was taking Aderal at the time and that with sevre anxiety disorder didn't help.. made feelings worse.. i wasn't me on the meds.. so i got sick of it all pickd up scissors and started cutting myslf open.. small scratches at first.. i became sucidal.. and woul think up plans and i still have them actually.. i have the notes still. and the list of who gets what... i attempted suicide.. i tried things like trying to sufficate myself with a pillow.. sveral times but i'm still alive so yuknow it didn't work out and i gave up... i then decide to get off med because it sped up heart.. and i had to be on a heart moniter for a day..and yea.. after i stopped the meds, i started eating again.. i remeber freshman year of high school i sotppd eting... people spread rumors i was anoerexic.. still being buillied, so i continued to cut.. i made every excuse in the book to my parnts.. oh.. jenna scratched me with a pencil, the locker got me.. i couldn't hide it anymore s i told them.. i then started to get abuse for that.. things like your Satan your going to hll, jst go cut yourself!... so as the years progressed i continued, i got worse. doctors notced cuts on my skin... i've seen countless psycologists.. sister had to see one for her abusive behavior towrds me.. i was sexual abused by my neghors... who stil live right next door to me.. i've delt with deahts in family, parentsalmost divorcing.. honestly countless things... i'm still not eating,and geting pogressively worse.. i tried throwing up a few times :( i've hurt myself thru theyears in countlss ways... burning, to cutting.. . anyhing and everythig... i cope with anoerexia, sevre axiety disorder, OCD, ADD/ADHD, paranoia, dislexia, sevre depresion thats al i know of right now... when i go to the psych soon to get new ADD meds for in the incoming yaear my mom ill bring up i have schizerphreina symtoms and ant that chked as well.. i hllucnat... those of you who do, knw how scary it is... my grades are really important an because o my learnig disabiities, especilly without meds, it's hard to get a B... and i cna't get below a B.. :( parents won't allow that.. my sister s perfect in teir eyes, ad they love her more.. i get told at least 3 times a week, i can't wait until your gone... you bring me down so much. it's really hard to keep things clean with ADD/ADHD as well. so my OCD side hates it... my frend have told me i have 2 different personalities, which i do. it's the super Christian.. and the Pagan. The super Christian is studious, doesn't talk much, doesn't curse, is a really good girl. My paganself is carefree, maybe slips with cursing... and my rlgions change as well based on who i am at the time.. this is lke a sudden change. for example i'm haniggout with Sally, we decide to run through a eighbors yard i'm carefre pagan me so i do it. we hve to run thru the next one... all of the sudden no. it's not ok. we sholdn't be back here... bt a whole nother persoality coms with it.. i also suffer memory loss.. i black out... i won't remeber.. and sometimes i lose contorl of my bdy.. and i'll feel like i cna't control it... and i go numb a lot.. . my parents have gotten better with the physical buse.. my psycologists gave up on me... :/ whch is kind o good cosidering parents made fun of me for it.. next year will be hard since i'm meeting birth parents.. and i'll be on my own with ollege maybe.. so it's mroe of a temptation to not self harm.. because no one will care...
ithouth i shoud add... i also bruied myself since i was young... and my dentist notced abuse when he saw a mouth full of chipped teeth. he fixed i tho :D doens't look like iwas hit. 14 pieces i spat out 2 years ago :( but with Sef hamr it's a struggle everydy... and i want it to stop... i want all the pain to go away... :( PM me anyone who has quesions, wants to talk... anything..
ithouth i shoud add... i also bruied myself since i was young... and my dentist notced abuse when he saw a mouth full of chipped teeth. he fixed i tho :D doens't look like iwas hit. 14 pieces i spat out 2 years ago :( but with Sef hamr it's a struggle everydy... and i want it to stop... i want all the pain to go away... :( PM me anyone who has quesions, wants to talk... anything..