slowly but surely giving up.

[LoveMe_HateMe]

I've not cut for quite a while now. Not sure how long its actually been. But each passing day the urges, along with my mood, are getting worse and worse. In the kitchen we have some pretty big knives. Every time i'm down there I just want to use the knife. I just want to feel the blade, the blood. And I really don't care what people will say or think. I'm slowly and surely loosing the will to live. Only the boyf is keeping me going and at the moment, he'll be hell of a lot better off with out me. He don't deserve me, he deserves so much more, so much better. I just want that knife...I want to tell someone. Anyone about everything but.... I can't. I have no one. I burned all the bridges long ago. Yeah I have the boyf, but I don't want him worrying if he'l see me the next day or not. I don't want him to have to watch what he says around me. I just want all these feelings to end... Its not too much to ask is it?

[Scarface]

You should talk to someone about how you're feeling. Even though you may have burned bridges with some of your friends you have your parents as well as counselors and therapists that are always willing to listen and to help. Your Boyfriend likes you, don't turn him away.

He still wants to be with you and he must like you a lot. Just because of how you're feeling shouldn't mean that you have to hide everything away from him. You don't have to tell him about the cutting, but just talking to him about how you're feeling maybe you two can work it out together. Never give up hope never feel like you have to do all of this by yourself.

Cutting is not a good option. You have made it thus far without it. So why throw away all that you have gained by not cutting. It's a temporary numbing that never lasts and creates more problems on top of the ones you are already going through. There are many different ways of keeping yourself busy/distracted from not only cutting, but the thoughts. Try getting out more or hit the books for school. or go out more with your boyfriend. Anything that you like to do that will keep you occupied.

Just don't give in to the temptation. You can do it. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm always here. Shoot me a VM/PM anytime. I hope things get better.

[confusedgirl]

Don't give up. You said you don't care what people say or think, well what about your boyfriend? he must care for you and would not want you to harm yourself. try talking to him about this, don't hide it let him help you. I'm sure he would. that is what helps me when ever i think of how much easier it would be for me to just slip away. but your not the only one suffering for your actions, the people around you have to Live with it. and there are all different ways of help, school, hot lines, people on here even. think of all that's left, i know its hard and you cant always control your own mood but it cant and wont always be like this. stay strong and fight it, i know you can do it. I just finished a book called 13 reasons and it really made me think about about my choices, you should read it if you want. I hope this helps.

[Mike321]

AS the others have suggested, try talking to your boyfriend about some of your problems, maybe dont mention too much about cutting as like you said you dont want himm worring over you.
He obviously cares about you and wouldnt want you hiding things from him, and i'm sure he'd understand if you told him how you were feeling.
As for not cutting try and keep yourself busy or distracted and it will help to take your mind off it.
Feel free to PM me if you need to talk

[LoveMe_HateMe]

I try talking to people, but I'm the kind of person who doesn't/wont/can't talk about their feelings, I'm a bottle-it-up kind of person. I don't even know why...I think its cause I don't want people seeing that I'm weak, that I don't want to let any body in. I've had far too many people ditch me and fuck me over. You say don't turn him away. Trust me, I'm not doing it on purpose. I think its just the fact that he's the person who has gotten the closest to me and I'm just pushing him away cause I'm scared of getting hurt. Again. I already do spend as much time as I can with him, but every time I see him, something will happen where I get into the worst mood ever, where I cant stand him hugging me/kissing me or even touching me. Couple of times i've stopped him from saying I Love You to me. I recoil from the touches. From the words. Its not fair on him. I can see its getting to him. He doesn't deserve me being like that, being bitchy to him. He deserves WAY more than that. He's an awesome guy and I do love him to bits, but I think i'd rather see him with someone else than be dragged down by me. And me even thinking about him being with someone else hurts too much. But I really don't want him to be disappointed, mad, upset whatever, just cause of me. I want him to be happy.

Yeah I do distract myself... usually by staring at the wall for a good 10 minutes at a time. Even in exams...

I'm so fucked up at the minute. I'm sick of fighting. Sick of trying.