no point...

[LoveMe_HateMe]

I seem to be getting worse. Crying everyday now, at least once. No matter how good the day was. The other day I stopped boyfriend telling me he loved me. I know he does, but I don't deserve it. Especially not with how I treat him. I don't understand how he's still with me, still being nice and loving to me when I just snap at him, take everything out on him...Even if it's not his fault. The slightest thing will set me off. The other day I broke down. I couldnt even stand him holding me, I just wanted out. I don't deserve him.

I've not heard from one of my "best" friends in nearly 2 weeks now....glad I meant so much to her. The other "best" friend has kinda started talking to me again. But, I cant really say I'm that bothered really. I just feel so alone, i don't have any close friends anymore, i dont have anyone to go talk to. Well. i have people online I can talk to if needed but its not the same. I want out.

At the moment, i've done about half of my exams, and the one i've done today, i think i've completely fucked it up... i'll be surprised if i even get a C on it.. I need a B to get into the college course i want to do... But I know i need to revise but when i do eventually get the motivation up to do some revision it never sinks it, just goes in one ear and out the other. Then I just give up. I actually give up with everything.

I've not cut in ages now but, i don't know how much longer i can keep going. Everyday it gets worse and worse, specially when i'm in one of my low moods. Everytime i'm in the kitchen, i see the knives and i just want to use them. I'm struggling to even care about anything anymore.

I don't see what i have to live for. The only thing thats keeping me going is boyfriend but even that's not enough all the time. To be honest if i did go, there's only be about 3 people tops that would give a shit.

During the exams, i just sit there and daydream. I can't concentrate on anything for long. Everything I used to enjoy, just annoys me, or bores me. I sit here and think about everything and i think, my life isn't that bad compared to other people's, but then it makes me feel even worse cause i know i shouldn't be a whining bitch and just be happy and get on with my life. But no.

There's no point in me trying anymore, so far, what ever i've tried to do in life has failed. Epicly. Tried to keep friends... Lost them all, for one reason and another. School... I am slowly failing that cause, didnt/dont have the motivation to listen in class or do revision or even try anymore. And boyfriend... i'm sill surprised he's not given up on me...specially when everyone else seems to have. He refuses to. But i'm not worth it. I don't deserve anything I have. Should swap my life for someone else. Someone who did good, like Paul Gray or The Rev, they deserve to be here. I don't. Simple.

[steve1234]

Im similar to you in that I seem to be getting worse.
I haven't properly talked to my friends for ages. We are having exams at the moment, and I have deactivated facebook, so I only get to say hi to them before exams. Im thinking of permanently deleting my facebook account. Like you, I do feel very alone at the moment. I just dont enjoy socialising anymore, and my friends dont really care about me.
Ive got my final exam tomorrow. My exams have gone ok I suppose, but History has been a complete disaster. There were 4 questions, and you had to do about 2 pages of writing for each question. I did about 8 lines for each question. :( Like you, I have hardly any motivation for revision.

It hasn't got to the point for me to cut myself, I don't think I ever will, but I keep getting frequent suicidal thoughts.

Well, basically, most things you have said are similar for me, apart from the cutting and relationship parts (i havent had a relationship yet).
Im not sure what advice I can give, seeing as im in a similar situation. What i'm doing is just working around my depressing thoughts, and just thinking that things might get better in the future, so there is no point killing myself. I really hope you don't ever go through with killing yourself, as no matter how hard things get, it can improve in the future.

[QUOTE=PRoach;911887] I sit here and think about everything and i think, my life isn't that bad compared to other people's, but then it makes me feel even worse cause i know i shouldn't be a whining bitch and just be happy and get on with my life. But no.
[QUOTE]

This bit here is exactly how I feel. I know full well that my life is so much better than thousands of people, but I still feel disadvantaged for some reason.
I feel really selfish for feeling like I do, but thats just how it is.

[steve1234]

sorry double post ... not sure how to delete.

[Brayden]

I'm sorry that you feel so lost right now. It really is an awful place to be. It seems to me like you have a good resource in your boyfriend though, have you thought to talk to him about what's been bothering and about how you've been feeling? From what you've described it seems like he would be there for you and willing to listen, and I'm willing to guarantee that he could do a better job at making you feel better than any of us ever could.

Have you considered counseling or anything of that nature? Sometimes talk therapy is a very good way to go about dealing with rough patches in your life, talking to someone who is 'disconnected' from your actual life can actually make opening up easier. They can also help provide you with techniques to help you 'de-stress', which would definitely be helpful with everything you're currently dealing with at school. They may also help you find a coping mechanism that's better and safer than cutting; if you find that you have the overwhelming desire to cut then you need to find a 'safe' hobby that occupies your mind and keeps you busy, such as writing or learning to play a new instrument, whatever it is that you enjoy. That way you can show yourself that you're capable of accomplishing something as well as giving your mind a break from dealing whatever it is that's currently stressing you.

[JunkBondTrader]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I can relate with the exams thing. You mention a college course. Are you doing GCSEs? I took mine last year and I can say for a fact that they always come out better than you think. I was predicted D's and E's but came out of them okay and I'm doing the AS course I wanted to do. And even if you do screw them up, you'll do fine. A friend of mine was able to spell "FUDGE" with his results at GCSE and now he's on his way to uni. So don't let the exams get you down at least.

As for your friends, people can be arseholes. But if they're true friends, they'll come back to you. I know it sounds clichéd, but it's true. And you have your boyfriend, too. You say you don't deserve his love but I promise you you do. He means what he says, otherwise, why would he say it?

Keep fighting. The bad times will pass. :)

[LoveMe_HateMe]

steve1234:
but the thing is, i'm naturally a negative person. I find it really difficult to see the postive side of things. No matter how small.

Brayden:
yeah, i know he's there and will be willing to listen, but I don't want him knowing that I think about suicide, and that he's the only one who is keeping me going. I don't want him to worry about me. Ever. i don't want him to have to worry if he'll see me the next day or not. He doesn't need that.
Yeah I have considered councelling but I don't know where to go about it. And the things I do enjoy. I don't enjoy them anymore. I used to love drawing, playing guitar etc... but when I do them, i'll get to the point to where it doesn't look right, doesn't sound right and i just get pissed off and give up. i've started getting to the point to i get so annoyed/angry that i just want to punch something. An d I'm not a violent person...

JunkBondTrader:
Yeah i am doing GCSEs and i know "i'll be fine" and that even if i dont get into the course I want to do, that there alternatives. But if I don't get the grades I want/need/predicted my parents will be disappointed. I know they'll say "as long as you tried your best" but i know they'll be disappointed.
Yeah I know first hand that people can be arseholes. I also know that people, if they are your true friends, will come back to you. But it still hurts when you get ditched for unknown reasons. Although... Not sure why it does still hurt. Its happened so many times before that I should've got used to it by now. I know he means what he says but just cause he does, doesn't mean I deserve it. I'm always pulling away from him. Always stopping him touching me, hugging me, kissing me. Everything. And I can see that its starting to get to him.
Keep fighting? I'm sick of fighting.

[Aceso]

Hun, dont giveup...theres a sanctuary out there, even just for a while :hug: If things are at there worst, they can only get better :wub:

[LoveMe_HateMe]

Hun, dont giveup...theres a sanctuary out there, even just for a while :hug: If things are at there worst, they can only get berret :wub:

I know I shouldn't give up, and i'm trying my hardest not to but... I don't know. Its just getting too much, but I suppose your right, thankyou :)

[Aceso]

*better, even >.<
And no problem, PM me if you ever want to talk :hug: