TravM
June 8th, 2010, 06:07 PM
I think to myself, "Why do I continue having a relationship with my dad?" We've never had a great relationship. He's an alcoholic and drinks practically every night, after he gets off work. He used to pull my hair and kick me if I "misbehaved."
I remember when I was 5, my mom was trying to leave him in the evening. She was next to the door with her bags and he was standing in front of her. Me and my sister were standing a few feet behind him and my mom said, "Kids, come on, let's go." He turned around and said something to the effect of, "If you move I'll bust your ass!" At the time, this scared the shit outta me. Not literally, but still, I was 5 and was very terrified of him. My mom later had to leave without us. At night, he took us to a place called Hickory Dickory Dock which had putt-putt, a jungle gym, etc. I think he done this to try and make us forget about what happened. Obviously, I haven't. Around a few more fights later, my mom took me and my sister to live with her parents. Around a few months later, we moved back with our dad.
One night, my mom and dad went to a bar for the night. I think I had just turned 10. My dad came home and started hitting my mom. I forget what the fight was about but I remember he had broken her leg. I remember her screaming, and I was crying and screaming also. My sister was in her room also crying. He then shoved shaving cream in her face and pushed her in the shower (Don't ask me why. I haven't found a reasonable explanation either). The next morning he took her to the hospital and acted as if everything was fine. He told his family and my sister that she tripped while walking up the stairs to our apartment. A few more fights later, and they separated. My mom arranged me to talk with the school counselor because I guess it was apparent that I was troubled, according to some of the teachers. I didn't want to talk to the counselor, so I acted as if everything was fine.
We were moving our furniture to another house one day, and I was carrying a box of dishes and glasses. I was carrying the box by the side handles (I was young at the time and didn't know that you carry it by the bottom), and I dropped the box which broke some of the dishes. He started yelling and I started crying. I was then carrying the scraps of glass to the trash and he kicked me. I feel on the ground and my hands started bleeding from the glass. A few months before, he called me a pussy and threw a brush at me because my mom asked me to brush her hair. He started yelling at my mom because she was defending me. He said that it was gay that I was brushing my mom's hair instead of watching the football movie on TV.
After this, my mom couldn't stand living with my dad anymore. They divorced after living unhappily with each other for 13 years. We moved to her family's house in West Virginia. This was in September 2007. I would call my dad to say hi until around March 2008. He just stopped talking and I didn't feel like dealing with him. My mom moved to her parents house in Florida in November 2008 and I decided to continue living with my aunts and cousins because at the time, I partied a lot and began taking up drinking and smoking. In December, I decided that I would see my dad for Christmas. He and my sister (who continues to love my dad even though his antics) picked me up in the morning and we stayed at a cabin in West Virginia, before we were supposed to go to South Carolina (which is where he lives). I only stayed there eight hours. At around 10, my future step-mom woke him up to tell him to go to sleep in the bedroom (he was in the living room). He was drunk and told her no and started pushing her. I can't really tell what happened because I was in the bedroom with my sister and my future stepsister (who is only 7). We started hearing yelling and banging on the wall. I think he pushed her to the fireplace and threw a laptop charger at her. I'm pretty sure he done a lot more to her. She ran into the bedroom with us and tried to block the door. He pushed it open and they started fighting in the other room. Somehow, my little stepsister went into that room also. Me and my sister could hear her screaming and them yelling. I remember him distinctly saying, "I've gotten more out of my cousin than I have you!" (meaning that she probably doesn't sleep with him a lot; Him saying that leaves me disgusted). My sister tried to call my aunt who she lives with, and my family from WV picked me and my sister up after my dad passed out drunk. My stepmom and stepsister went back with him after the police were called (we decided to sleep at the hotel that night when he was passed out).
I didn't see him again until last summer and then I stayed with him at Christmas again this year. He pulled another one of his antics on my sister because she was texting her boyfriend during a movie. A few minutes before, he had said some inappropriate things he would do to my stepmom in front of my stepsister because he was drunk. He later said sorry afterward.
I never expressed myself about this. I haven't told a lot of people about this ever. I know I shouldn't think about the past, but you wouldn't understand the situation if I didn't explain it. Plus, I really needed to get this off my chest. My dad has caused a lot of harm to me, physically and emotionally. I feel all the awkwardness and weirdness that I have is because of him. As of right now, I consider all of these past situations something that were lived in a previous life. I feel like a different person now and I want to leave all of this behind. But should I continue trying to have a relationship with a man who has caused me such anger, sadness, etc.? Should I try and mend the relationship? Or should I just let it go? I doubt he will be in my life much longer. Once I tell him I'm gay, that'll most likely be the end of it. And I'm prepared for it because I'm certain that that is what is going to happen. I'm sorry for "airing out the dirty laundry". Really, I am. I don't want to take the time out of your day to hear this damn rant. But I should I try and make the best out of the time we have? I'm most likely not going to tell him I'm gay until I'm 18. What he's done in my life is awful. No child should have to be subjected to this and I'm glad I know this. I'm glad that it happened, in a sense, because I grew up faster than most kids did or should. There's so many similarities between me and him, that I'm afraid that I'll become who he was, which scares me to death. Because I don't want to be that. Opinions? Should I try and continue having a relationship with him? Or not?
I remember when I was 5, my mom was trying to leave him in the evening. She was next to the door with her bags and he was standing in front of her. Me and my sister were standing a few feet behind him and my mom said, "Kids, come on, let's go." He turned around and said something to the effect of, "If you move I'll bust your ass!" At the time, this scared the shit outta me. Not literally, but still, I was 5 and was very terrified of him. My mom later had to leave without us. At night, he took us to a place called Hickory Dickory Dock which had putt-putt, a jungle gym, etc. I think he done this to try and make us forget about what happened. Obviously, I haven't. Around a few more fights later, my mom took me and my sister to live with her parents. Around a few months later, we moved back with our dad.
One night, my mom and dad went to a bar for the night. I think I had just turned 10. My dad came home and started hitting my mom. I forget what the fight was about but I remember he had broken her leg. I remember her screaming, and I was crying and screaming also. My sister was in her room also crying. He then shoved shaving cream in her face and pushed her in the shower (Don't ask me why. I haven't found a reasonable explanation either). The next morning he took her to the hospital and acted as if everything was fine. He told his family and my sister that she tripped while walking up the stairs to our apartment. A few more fights later, and they separated. My mom arranged me to talk with the school counselor because I guess it was apparent that I was troubled, according to some of the teachers. I didn't want to talk to the counselor, so I acted as if everything was fine.
We were moving our furniture to another house one day, and I was carrying a box of dishes and glasses. I was carrying the box by the side handles (I was young at the time and didn't know that you carry it by the bottom), and I dropped the box which broke some of the dishes. He started yelling and I started crying. I was then carrying the scraps of glass to the trash and he kicked me. I feel on the ground and my hands started bleeding from the glass. A few months before, he called me a pussy and threw a brush at me because my mom asked me to brush her hair. He started yelling at my mom because she was defending me. He said that it was gay that I was brushing my mom's hair instead of watching the football movie on TV.
After this, my mom couldn't stand living with my dad anymore. They divorced after living unhappily with each other for 13 years. We moved to her family's house in West Virginia. This was in September 2007. I would call my dad to say hi until around March 2008. He just stopped talking and I didn't feel like dealing with him. My mom moved to her parents house in Florida in November 2008 and I decided to continue living with my aunts and cousins because at the time, I partied a lot and began taking up drinking and smoking. In December, I decided that I would see my dad for Christmas. He and my sister (who continues to love my dad even though his antics) picked me up in the morning and we stayed at a cabin in West Virginia, before we were supposed to go to South Carolina (which is where he lives). I only stayed there eight hours. At around 10, my future step-mom woke him up to tell him to go to sleep in the bedroom (he was in the living room). He was drunk and told her no and started pushing her. I can't really tell what happened because I was in the bedroom with my sister and my future stepsister (who is only 7). We started hearing yelling and banging on the wall. I think he pushed her to the fireplace and threw a laptop charger at her. I'm pretty sure he done a lot more to her. She ran into the bedroom with us and tried to block the door. He pushed it open and they started fighting in the other room. Somehow, my little stepsister went into that room also. Me and my sister could hear her screaming and them yelling. I remember him distinctly saying, "I've gotten more out of my cousin than I have you!" (meaning that she probably doesn't sleep with him a lot; Him saying that leaves me disgusted). My sister tried to call my aunt who she lives with, and my family from WV picked me and my sister up after my dad passed out drunk. My stepmom and stepsister went back with him after the police were called (we decided to sleep at the hotel that night when he was passed out).
I didn't see him again until last summer and then I stayed with him at Christmas again this year. He pulled another one of his antics on my sister because she was texting her boyfriend during a movie. A few minutes before, he had said some inappropriate things he would do to my stepmom in front of my stepsister because he was drunk. He later said sorry afterward.
I never expressed myself about this. I haven't told a lot of people about this ever. I know I shouldn't think about the past, but you wouldn't understand the situation if I didn't explain it. Plus, I really needed to get this off my chest. My dad has caused a lot of harm to me, physically and emotionally. I feel all the awkwardness and weirdness that I have is because of him. As of right now, I consider all of these past situations something that were lived in a previous life. I feel like a different person now and I want to leave all of this behind. But should I continue trying to have a relationship with a man who has caused me such anger, sadness, etc.? Should I try and mend the relationship? Or should I just let it go? I doubt he will be in my life much longer. Once I tell him I'm gay, that'll most likely be the end of it. And I'm prepared for it because I'm certain that that is what is going to happen. I'm sorry for "airing out the dirty laundry". Really, I am. I don't want to take the time out of your day to hear this damn rant. But I should I try and make the best out of the time we have? I'm most likely not going to tell him I'm gay until I'm 18. What he's done in my life is awful. No child should have to be subjected to this and I'm glad I know this. I'm glad that it happened, in a sense, because I grew up faster than most kids did or should. There's so many similarities between me and him, that I'm afraid that I'll become who he was, which scares me to death. Because I don't want to be that. Opinions? Should I try and continue having a relationship with him? Or not?