Art_dude
June 8th, 2010, 05:51 PM
Prepare yourselves for an undoubtedly long wall of text. If you read through all of this I commend you in advance....
I just had the worst possible day in a long time. But I think what makes the harshness of this drop in sanity even worse than it is, is the fact that it's happening after a long period (probably about a year or more) of numb recovery from some dysthymic depression. Basically what happened was that my laptop's hard-drive completely and utterly died. I took it to the apple store for a diagnosis only to meet the most unsympathetic ass who told me I'd have ship my computer to a data recovery service in California if I wanted any chance of retreiving my work. I was on the verge of tears, and he just wasn't explaining anything. Here I am in this store close to hysterics saying, "Look, I'm homeschooled, all of my schoolwork is done on my computer and emailed to my teachers... I haven't backed up my work on an external hard drive in over a month... my end of the year deadline is less than four weeks away and I was SOOO close to finishing early..." And he just gives me a shrug. Basically, I'm just thankful I backed it up a month ago and not several months ago - so technically I didn't lose EVERYTHING, but I have about half a year's worth of work of U.S. Government papers GONE. The service in California costs anywhere from $700 to $1,300 IF they can recover it. The man on the phone was extremely nice and said there is a good chance they can recover it (If they can recover stuff from computers surviving fires, they better be able to recover a couple dozen word documents.) But nonetheless, it would take a couple business days to get there... 2 or 3 days to assess the damage, and a whole week to recover and ship back to me. My school deadline is July 8th. I'm fucked. I can ask for an extension but it costs my parents a small fine which they're not too thrilled about... My mother pretty much gloated with "I told you so's" the minute I walked in the door sobbing. I can't remember the last time I cried... as stressful a situation this is, I'm kind of grateful for it... I didn't know I could feel so low. I felt like I really numbed myself this year.
Anyway then the downward spiral began... All of my inadequacies of my entire young adult life piled on top of one another and the old Alex I so very hated came back to haunt me and use this computer incident as an example of how worthless a human being I am... how my own laziness (or whatever it was that made me forget to back up my work) cost me so much. I knew the year was ending too good to be true. Something had to fuck it up. And it was me. Maybe it's a subconscious masochistic motivation to trip myself up but I doubt it at this point... the consequences are too severe to secretly wish upon myself. Anyway, Sorry for this being so scattered... I don't know what to think or feel right now. Thankfully I've been crying nonstop for the past two hours so I'm done with that. And as cliche as it sounds I don't have any tears left. Anyway, respond if you want. Sorry for taking up space. I seem to do that a lot in my life.. (oh great. here comes the self pity again... GOD what the fuck is wrong with me?)
I just had the worst possible day in a long time. But I think what makes the harshness of this drop in sanity even worse than it is, is the fact that it's happening after a long period (probably about a year or more) of numb recovery from some dysthymic depression. Basically what happened was that my laptop's hard-drive completely and utterly died. I took it to the apple store for a diagnosis only to meet the most unsympathetic ass who told me I'd have ship my computer to a data recovery service in California if I wanted any chance of retreiving my work. I was on the verge of tears, and he just wasn't explaining anything. Here I am in this store close to hysterics saying, "Look, I'm homeschooled, all of my schoolwork is done on my computer and emailed to my teachers... I haven't backed up my work on an external hard drive in over a month... my end of the year deadline is less than four weeks away and I was SOOO close to finishing early..." And he just gives me a shrug. Basically, I'm just thankful I backed it up a month ago and not several months ago - so technically I didn't lose EVERYTHING, but I have about half a year's worth of work of U.S. Government papers GONE. The service in California costs anywhere from $700 to $1,300 IF they can recover it. The man on the phone was extremely nice and said there is a good chance they can recover it (If they can recover stuff from computers surviving fires, they better be able to recover a couple dozen word documents.) But nonetheless, it would take a couple business days to get there... 2 or 3 days to assess the damage, and a whole week to recover and ship back to me. My school deadline is July 8th. I'm fucked. I can ask for an extension but it costs my parents a small fine which they're not too thrilled about... My mother pretty much gloated with "I told you so's" the minute I walked in the door sobbing. I can't remember the last time I cried... as stressful a situation this is, I'm kind of grateful for it... I didn't know I could feel so low. I felt like I really numbed myself this year.
Anyway then the downward spiral began... All of my inadequacies of my entire young adult life piled on top of one another and the old Alex I so very hated came back to haunt me and use this computer incident as an example of how worthless a human being I am... how my own laziness (or whatever it was that made me forget to back up my work) cost me so much. I knew the year was ending too good to be true. Something had to fuck it up. And it was me. Maybe it's a subconscious masochistic motivation to trip myself up but I doubt it at this point... the consequences are too severe to secretly wish upon myself. Anyway, Sorry for this being so scattered... I don't know what to think or feel right now. Thankfully I've been crying nonstop for the past two hours so I'm done with that. And as cliche as it sounds I don't have any tears left. Anyway, respond if you want. Sorry for taking up space. I seem to do that a lot in my life.. (oh great. here comes the self pity again... GOD what the fuck is wrong with me?)