never f*cking learn do i?

[1_21Guns]

i was just thinking to myself, why is it everytime things start looking up,
i'm sinking deeper into my depression.
then i realised.
it's because i bottle things up, and deal with them while everyone else is okay.
leaving me with my little fake smile and actually being in bits.
the problem i cba going into because it doesent even matter hasnt even hit me properly yet, could be months before it does.
im just all angry again, slipping in and out of being severely depressed to being okay. all when i have exams coming up. ugh.
then to top it all off, my back is in complete agony,
i can't cut to distract the pain, so i thought oh i'll go overdose slightly on painkillers. but i've been banned from doing that by my friend too.
so looks like i'm going to have to sit here in complete agony,
rediculos urges. and slipping in and out of severe depression to the point i wish i was dead.
the point i'd seriously consider killing myself. but never actually do it, because ofc i can't.
so looks like i'm just going to sit here and suffer, and stop whining about it, because it's my own fault i'm in this state.
ugh.
:blowup:

[Sith Lord 13]

:hug:

Have you tried taking a long hot shower? It does wonders for your back.

Death is not an option and you know it. Things get better. You just have to be around to see it. Why don't you try talking about your problem now, even if it hasn't hit you yet. It might help you deal with it, and be ready for when it does hit you.

[1_21Guns]

Would if i wouldnt faint from the steam lol.

But yeah, i had a rant about it last night, but all it did was make me feel better for a little while. Im never ready for when things hit me because its usually at the worst possible time ever . :/

[Scarface]

Natalie I'm glad you don't want to cut or OD, because you know how those options turn out. They not only don't solve your problems, but create yet more problems. Bottling your feelings up and all of those thought left to fester and grow into even bigger problems then finally snapping.

As for your back pain maybe you could talk to your mom about maybe seeing a chiropractor and seeing the problem in your back. They also do what they call "adjustments" where they put everything back in you muscles and bones. It doesn't hurt. Or maybe getting so Icy Hot or Bengay. Both of those will help ease the pain.

Just don't let all of things feelings get the best of you Natalie I know you can do it. You don't have to suffer anymore. You're never alone. Anytime you need to talk VM/PM me I'm always here to help.

:hug:

[Mike321]

Its good that you know death is not an option, as I've said before you are a great help to everyone on here and your friends.
I always used to keep my problems to myself anf let them keep building up over time, but talking to someone about then can really help, I know its not an easy thing to do, but it stop you putting some much pressure on yourself, especially with your exams coming up (stressful enough as they are).
As for your back, maybe go and see a specialist like the other suggested, they will know the best treatment for it
Feel free to PM me if you need to talk
Hope your okay x

[1_21Guns]

Thanks guys,
I went to the docs some time ago about my back, got told to take some painkillers and that its "nothing". So yeah, they don't know the cause of it though because my mum didn't tell them or give me chance to say... but yeah.
So now she won't let me go back about it... not that I overly want to, I hate the doctors.

And I know I shouldn't keep so much to myself, old habits I guess.
And yeah, death isn't an option, been there tried that, nothing but fear came out of it.

[Kaya]

I know how you feel.

[blah_x]

its is so unbeleivable to finally find someone hu feel the exact same way ii do.. except im really thinking about OD'ing.
when i dont cut ii overdose on painkillers or drink until im paraletic.. nd no-body knows about any of this. it is driving me crazy :/
so ii understand wht yu are goin through

[1_21Guns]

its is so unbeleivable to finally find someone hu feel the exact same way ii do.. except im really thinking about OD'ing.
when i dont cut ii overdose on painkillers or drink until im paraletic.. nd no-body knows about any of this. it is driving me crazy :/
so ii understand wht yu are goin through

yeah, i do the exact same thing.
my best friends banned me from doing everything. so im kinda fucked now. but yeah. you're never alone.
remember that.

[blah_x]

haha your lucky in a sense so...
thanks :)

[1_21Guns]

haha your lucky in a sense so...
thanks :)

Yeah i know she only means well, it just felt like she was trying to kill me in a way by removing the things that keep me going. But she has a point, and i know it.

[blah_x]

thats good.. ii wish my friends knew what ii am going through :(