Miss Punk
June 7th, 2010, 04:17 PM
Hi, I feel really confused and I used to post here a while ago and thought of this forum again...
Last year I was very depressed, I cut and was very self-destructive, drinking, getting into fights, getting myself arrested, ending up in A&E a few times. I think this was partly brought on by bad relationships with friends and family, and partly by an earlier time when I was much younger about 12, when I went through a very bad time being bullied and was suicidal that always affected my self-esteem. Now (I'm 18 and no longer at home) I've managed to turn my whole life around and things are better than I could ever have known. In fact I hate that I used to cut, because now I have these scars that are always going to remind me of that time, when I'd rather forget.
And though my life is so good now, since then I've still been constantly struggling with my emotions. I feel like I'm under relentless attack from my past, and that although the reasons for being depressed have gone away, I still find it really difficuilt to keep going without descending into depression again, and sometimes I spend weeks where nothing gets done and I upset everyone I know because I'm so down. On top of that, I seem to have developed these constant fears about irrational things that make it impossible to be positive about the future. Things like my boyfriend will leave me, or I'm going to fail uni, or I'm never going to be employed, or my family are going to die. And anything like an exam the next day sends me into panic.
My boyfriend keeps saying I should see the doctor but I have always avoided this because I have a fear of doctors. The only time I have ever been for depression was because the pill was giving me crazy mood swings on top of it, but somehow I don't think I could talk to someone if I felt it was my own fault.
I'm not even really sure why I'm posting this, I guess I'm sick of living like this and I hope someone can point me in the right direction. Thanks.
Last year I was very depressed, I cut and was very self-destructive, drinking, getting into fights, getting myself arrested, ending up in A&E a few times. I think this was partly brought on by bad relationships with friends and family, and partly by an earlier time when I was much younger about 12, when I went through a very bad time being bullied and was suicidal that always affected my self-esteem. Now (I'm 18 and no longer at home) I've managed to turn my whole life around and things are better than I could ever have known. In fact I hate that I used to cut, because now I have these scars that are always going to remind me of that time, when I'd rather forget.
And though my life is so good now, since then I've still been constantly struggling with my emotions. I feel like I'm under relentless attack from my past, and that although the reasons for being depressed have gone away, I still find it really difficuilt to keep going without descending into depression again, and sometimes I spend weeks where nothing gets done and I upset everyone I know because I'm so down. On top of that, I seem to have developed these constant fears about irrational things that make it impossible to be positive about the future. Things like my boyfriend will leave me, or I'm going to fail uni, or I'm never going to be employed, or my family are going to die. And anything like an exam the next day sends me into panic.
My boyfriend keeps saying I should see the doctor but I have always avoided this because I have a fear of doctors. The only time I have ever been for depression was because the pill was giving me crazy mood swings on top of it, but somehow I don't think I could talk to someone if I felt it was my own fault.
I'm not even really sure why I'm posting this, I guess I'm sick of living like this and I hope someone can point me in the right direction. Thanks.