Obscene Eyedeas
June 7th, 2010, 01:32 PM
I cant even remember the date of my first cut but i can remember it, it was only small but to someone so young it felt like a kick in the head. There was blood but not enough to bleed and there was the relief. I was drowned in a moment of pure happiness while just outside my door i knew awaited the very hell id grown up in and come to know as home.
As i grew and progressed thorough the years my cuts got deeper and deeper, i got better at hiding them and caring for them. I was always very introverted with my feelings. I never lied about the things that were happening it was simply that noone ever thought to ask. I became good at hiding everything to the point where people believed i was a happy ambitious go getter and they still do.
My cutting got to the point where i needed the blood and i needed it to be deep or it was worthless. I remember one time when i cut very deep watching the blood trickling down my wrist, the sight of it had me transfixed, all i wanted was to sit there and watch my blood flow. I savored the pain of every cut that i felt for some i was too numb to even feel them.
After a time i began to hide my feelings even from myself it was the only way to stop myself from taking things further then self harm. I have suffered through so many things and all the time i never got to mourn for any as i had to take care of my friends it was the way things were and mostly still are. I watched people destroy themselves with self harm and suicide. I remember one friend in particular i watched him fall and fall into self harm and eventually it led to the faithful night where he died in my arms and ill always remember that. He left so much behind and destroyed so many people.
From losing friends, an abusive family and the constant bullying i cut more then ever i couldnt see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had one friend who always made things bearable at one time i even began quitting self harm with his help only to have him taken from me. I remember the night it hit me and how i cut to get away from the pain and how it made me feel so goddamn good until i crashed, things couldnt be worse and yet they have gotten worse, cutting has been a part of my life for literally half my life. It was my one constant through my life and it was also my destruction. I found help here that ive not known except from my friends that i have lost only the friends i made here i haven't lost.
In the end if i could go back and change one thing it would be to go back to that first night when i made that first cut and to put down the blade. nothing is worth the pain and the scars. Its affected everything about my life, even the clothes i wear. IT was and will always be the greatest mistake of my life. I hate cutting but its like a drug that is almost impossible to give up. I want it so bad but i cant give in, i wont because in the end is self harm really worth it. Its shaped my life when the only thing that should have that power is me.
I cut because ive no self worth and i hate myself, cutting only deepens this and cripples people emotionally. Its not worth it in any way. Its taken me years to quit. From the very first cut ive wanted to stop but even from the first time it held too much power over me. Now that ive finally fought back and am on my way to winning ive reflected back on everytime i can remember cutting and it just wasnt worth it. 13 days in a few hours and im damn proud of myself. Its hard but im not giving up because i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully with creams and lotions and even just time that the scars will fade and ill finally be able to wear clothes without leggings or jackets or bandages. Maybe even laze by a pool in a swimsuit.
Is it really worth it? In my honest opinion no and i really think that while it may be hard that everyone whether its their first or 500th cut should give up now, get help and dont let it go on. I wrote this down for myself too remind myself of how self destructive it is but i also posted it to let others see what it is and what it does. Hopefully this will give people pause before making that first cut or even making another.
As i grew and progressed thorough the years my cuts got deeper and deeper, i got better at hiding them and caring for them. I was always very introverted with my feelings. I never lied about the things that were happening it was simply that noone ever thought to ask. I became good at hiding everything to the point where people believed i was a happy ambitious go getter and they still do.
My cutting got to the point where i needed the blood and i needed it to be deep or it was worthless. I remember one time when i cut very deep watching the blood trickling down my wrist, the sight of it had me transfixed, all i wanted was to sit there and watch my blood flow. I savored the pain of every cut that i felt for some i was too numb to even feel them.
After a time i began to hide my feelings even from myself it was the only way to stop myself from taking things further then self harm. I have suffered through so many things and all the time i never got to mourn for any as i had to take care of my friends it was the way things were and mostly still are. I watched people destroy themselves with self harm and suicide. I remember one friend in particular i watched him fall and fall into self harm and eventually it led to the faithful night where he died in my arms and ill always remember that. He left so much behind and destroyed so many people.
From losing friends, an abusive family and the constant bullying i cut more then ever i couldnt see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had one friend who always made things bearable at one time i even began quitting self harm with his help only to have him taken from me. I remember the night it hit me and how i cut to get away from the pain and how it made me feel so goddamn good until i crashed, things couldnt be worse and yet they have gotten worse, cutting has been a part of my life for literally half my life. It was my one constant through my life and it was also my destruction. I found help here that ive not known except from my friends that i have lost only the friends i made here i haven't lost.
In the end if i could go back and change one thing it would be to go back to that first night when i made that first cut and to put down the blade. nothing is worth the pain and the scars. Its affected everything about my life, even the clothes i wear. IT was and will always be the greatest mistake of my life. I hate cutting but its like a drug that is almost impossible to give up. I want it so bad but i cant give in, i wont because in the end is self harm really worth it. Its shaped my life when the only thing that should have that power is me.
I cut because ive no self worth and i hate myself, cutting only deepens this and cripples people emotionally. Its not worth it in any way. Its taken me years to quit. From the very first cut ive wanted to stop but even from the first time it held too much power over me. Now that ive finally fought back and am on my way to winning ive reflected back on everytime i can remember cutting and it just wasnt worth it. 13 days in a few hours and im damn proud of myself. Its hard but im not giving up because i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully with creams and lotions and even just time that the scars will fade and ill finally be able to wear clothes without leggings or jackets or bandages. Maybe even laze by a pool in a swimsuit.
Is it really worth it? In my honest opinion no and i really think that while it may be hard that everyone whether its their first or 500th cut should give up now, get help and dont let it go on. I wrote this down for myself too remind myself of how self destructive it is but i also posted it to let others see what it is and what it does. Hopefully this will give people pause before making that first cut or even making another.