just want someone to know....

[abs072889]

I have had my share of bad luck, but haven't we all. When I was in elementary school I met this amazing girl, she was my best friend, we did everything together, when we were in second grade we met this girl who was two years younger than us, since she was in kindergarten she didn't know many people, we quickly became the three musketeers. We stuck together like that for 8 amazing years. Bonnie and my freshman year of high school I started to notice that she was cutting herself, I didn't really have knowledge of it at that time, but the rest of our friends (who were never really true friends), brushed it off, they even laughed about it sometimes when she would show us a new cut. I was terrified. I wanted to do something, but i was scared. I didn't want her to hate me, so I brushed it off too. February rolled around and she told us her mom had cancer and her boyfriend has cheated on her, she no longer wanted to live. At that time my life was pretty shitty as well and when she said we should make a suicide pact it sounded perfect. We didn't set a date or time we just vowed that we would both kill ourselves before we turned 16. Bonnie would turn 16 in October, but I had till the next July. Even though Sarah was two years younger than us we brought the pact up with her, she quickly agreed within the next two years she too would kill herself. Little did we know Bonnie planned to do is sooner than we thought. March 24th I got the news over the damn school announcement, terrible way to find out your best friend is gone. I knew then that it was my fault. What was I thinking? A suicide pact? Were we crazy? I felt guilty and missed Bonnie everyday, with the help of cutting and Sarah we managed to get through it. Sarah and I looked back at what happened and realized that it was stupid and we would not keep our part of the pact, but we would live our lives in memory of Bonnie. My 16th birthday rolled around and I was still determined to live. Little did I know shortly after Sarah's 15th birthday she would find out she was pregnant, she couldn't tell her parents, but we were against abortion. Sarah felt the only way to get out of it was to go back to that pact. I tried to talk her out of it and I thought it worked, but one day I had to find out that my other best friend was gone. Now I was alone, and suicide sounded like a great way to handle everything. I began cutting even more, I was cutting so bad in one day I cut my legs 120 times. That day someone caught me, in the bathroom at school with my razor blade in hand. I was immediately take to the ER and then to a treatment hospital. I didn't want help. I saw nothing wrong with what I was doing, so I lied. I lied every step of the way, within 72 hours they were ready to release me unless I told them I was still thinking about suicide, so I lied. I got out, i attempted suicide four times and got thrown back in the treatment center. Every time I lied like crazy. I was never there for more than 5 days and they let me go, little did they know I was not any better. I still planned to die, but then I met someone. Someone I fell in love with, she supported me and I began to recover. I didn't need cutting when I had her. It's now two years later, I'm twenty years old and I found out that wonderful girl used me and never loved me at all. I wake up every day with the thought of Bonnie and Sarah, and the guilt that I didn't help them, the guilt that I didn't keep my word that I would commit suicide. I feel guilty that I'm still alive. A few days ago I found a piece of glass, in a moment of weakness I sliced my hand. The feeling came rushing back to me, and now I can't stop. I feel it's finally time for me to fulfill my part of the pact, and after all I owe it to them, and without them here, no one here needs me, they need me. I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this. I'm sure no one will even read this long thing, but I just felt before I die, someone should know why, even if it's people I don't know.

[delta]

Don't do it!

I did read the whole thing, and it does seem you've had it pretty tough, losing two friends to suicide. But that doesn't mean you can't make new friends, or that your life won't get better.

However, it does seem that you really need help, it might not make the world pink and flowery and perfect, but it will make it a lot better.

[Taylorxbox]

you cant commit suicide. Its just... not.. right. Your life is full of stress and you really need help. Losing your 2 best friends has to be the hardest thing in the world, but you dont have to be added to the death list.

I cant do anything about it, but you just can't do that to yourself. :(

This would be a post for an Admin.

I can't help on this one :( :(

[abs072889]

Thanks, but really don't waste your time trying to talk to me out of it, there's a very very slim chance it would work. Thanks for atleast reading it, that's all I really wanted, was for someone to know...the guilt i live with every day. I had a nightmare last night about my two best friends, they were pissed cuz i didnt keep my part of the pact, I want them to be happy again.

[delta]

Thanks, but really don't waste your time trying to talk to me out of it, there's a very very slim chance it would work. Thanks for atleast reading it, that's all I really wanted, was for someone to know...the guilt i live with every day. I had a nightmare last night about my two best friends, they were pissed cuz i didnt keep my part of the pact, I want them to be happy again.That was a dream, made by your subconsciousness based on your thoughts and feelings, not on actual truth. People you know are usually (for me at least) quite different in your dreams than they are in real life. I can't know for sure, but I'm fairly certain they wouldn't want you to commit suicide as well.

[misery_business]

wow you have gone through alot :(
But suicide is NOT the answer ! :) Please don't do it.
There are people who care about you wether you know it or not. Things are bound to get better, I know you don't know any of us but we are here to support you :)

[abs072889]

forget it, there is no one who cares about me, other than two people who are no longer living. i give up.

[delta]

forget it, there is no one who cares about me, other than two people who are no longer living. i give up.I care! I have never met you, and probably never will, but we can still be friends online, right?

And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one on VT who cares!

[abs072889]

COULD HAVE been friends, but now I wont be around long enough to form a friendship. thanks though.

[delta]

COULD HAVE been friends, but now I wont be around long enough to form a friendship. thanks though.You know, seeing that you have made a new post makes me happy, 'cause it means you are still alive! But then reading your posts makes me stressed, because I care! I don't want you to die!

And won't you at least try? I'm more that willing to be your friend!

[Taylorxbox]

This just isn't the answer.

If I could, I would stop you, but I can't do that.

There is only one thing I can say, people do care about you.

There was a kid in my class who had a similar incident. He would get bullied all the time and had to be pulled out of school. He thought no one cared about him so he went to comit suicide by jumping a ramp with a bike and killing himself. After he did it, everyone was crying in our district. People did care about him and there are people out there that care about you.

Suicide is not the answer. Dont Do It

[abs072889]

i'm still talking because i feel rude leaving in the middle of a conversation. darn you people are distracting me.

[delta]

People care more than they let show! Remember how you felt/feel after your friends committed suicide - you don't want anyone else to feel like that, do you? And they will, because everyone you have had contact with cares, even if just a little. (I care a lot BTW)

i'm still talking because i feel rude leaving in the middle of a conversation. darn you people are distracting me.Distracting you is better than letting you die.

[abs072889]

I felt terrible after they died. Horrible. I could hardly function. They were all I had. and now... No one would feel that way about me, except them, and they can't anymore.

[misery_business]

And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one on VT who cares!

he's right ! we all care, trust me !
we can't fix your life but we could at least try and im not talking about just me and this dude that keeps posting on this thread :) i mean everyone!
You can make great friends here, just please don't give up ! :(

[delta]

I felt terrible after they died. Horrible. I could hardly function. They were all I had. and now... No one would feel that way about me, except them, and they can't anymore.As I said, the people around you do care, and they will feel like that, maybe not as much as a best friend would, but it would still hurt a lot. And I would feel that way.

[abs072889]

you guys aren't going to give up are you?

[misery_business]

you guys aren't going to give up are you?

Im not part of this conversation but... noo !!

[delta]

you guys aren't going to give up are you?I'm stubborn. I don't give up on anything important. Neither my own life, not trying to keep you from killing yourself. One life, one chance, that's all we get. And there should still be a lot left of yours, you shouldn't waste it! Think of all the good things that might happen!

[abs072889]

Everyone in my life walks away. gives up. you should do the same.

[delta]

Everyone in my life walks away. gives up. you should do the same.No. We should show you that not everyone walks away, some people stay for a long time, some people stay for (a long) life. And I'm not going anywhere.

[abs072889]

im going somewhere.

[delta]

im going somewhere.Don't. As I said, I won't give up! You should stay alive, live and enjoy life, make new friends that last... As I also said, you can start with me!

[abs072889]

bye hun. thanks.

[delta]

bye hun. thanks.Don't do it! I don't want to lose a friend I have just made! And don't thank me until I have actually convinced you not to commit suicide! And don't die before then!

[abs072889]

wow you're stubborn. you've only known me for a few minutes couldn't you just erase the memory, then you wouldn't lose a friend.

[delta]

wow you're stubborn. you've only known me for a few minutes couldn't you just erase the memory, then you wouldn't lose a friend.I have a very good memory. And yes, I'm very stubborn. I hope I will get to know you for more than just a few minutes!

[abs072889]

I gotta get going now, im running outta time, my roommate will be home from work soon.

[delta]

Maybe befriending someone as stubborn as me will be a good thing, as I won't give up on you!

I gotta get going now, im running outta time, my roommate will be home from work soon.Then wait for him/her!

[abs072889]

wait for her why? I can't wait for her, if she comes home I wont be able to do it today. I wont do it when she's home, i refuse. it's gotta be now.

[delta]

wait for her why? I can't wait for her, if she comes home I wont be able to do it today. I wont do it when she's home, i refuse. it's gotta be now.That's why you should wait for her. Then you'll buy yourself time to think things over and calm down. And hopefully decide to not take your own life after all.

[abs072889]

I don't need time to think. I know what I need to do. thanks again. and although you didnt say much misery_business you still said something, and that's more than a lot of people I know would do. So thank you too.

[delta]

I don't need time to think. I know what I need to do.You think you know what you need to do. thanks again.I said, don't thank me until you've decided to not commit suicide! and although you didnt say much misery_business you still said something, and that's more than a lot of people I know would do. So thank you too.Are you really sure about that? Have you tried?

[misery_business]

I don't need time to think. I know what I need to do. thanks again. and although you didnt say much misery_business you still said something, and that's more than a lot of people I know would do. So thank you too.

I can't really say anything right now, im not the best at giving advice, Im only 13 soo...
it's your choice but you don't know how many people it would hurt. your only 20 , your life is bound to get better than worse. please please please don't do it !! :(

[delta]

Just the fact that you posted here at all is proof that you're not 100 % sure. If you had been, you would've been dead long ago. And since you aren't, you should stay alive.

[delta]

You didn't actually do it, did you? :(

[misery_business]

oh god please post something !! :(

[delta]

oh god please post something !! :(That's what I've been thinking the last 45 minutes... :(

[HellHound]

Goodbye...hope you meet your friends wherever you end up.I lost my best friend too.i know how hard it is.if ur still alive i wont tell you not to do it.just think of the people u hurt on vt.the ones that care.hope u reconsider in the last minute...

[blah_x]

omg this is so sad :(.
if only someone in the real world had been there 4 her like u guys on VT were.. yu are good people and ii hope yu get what yu deserve :)

[delta]

If I could have been there, I would! :(

And I still count you as a friend!

[allsoulsareblack]

im going to tell u not to life isnt all sunshine and lollipops i tried to kill my self by od on paracetomol and my pernts came into hospital and ive never seen them like that there blamed them selves if i arived 30 mins later than this i wouldnt be here wen i od i have never felt that ill 100 times worse than any illness other than life thertning ones 3 days after i was let out of hospital my sisters friend hung hereself and evry one who new here was virtuly depressed im not fine but i have found the love of my life daimen im trying to stay sain but the meds that have helped me so much are making my sick forts worse suicide is painfull and lengthy and deeply effects friends and faimly

[Aly.C]

oh no :( this is so sad..
I hope.. she didnt do it :( oh no..