What do I do now

[MadManWithaBox]

The voice is gone. completely. After six years. what do I do now. I'm almost quite literally covered in scars. I've done some fucked up shit, but no more. no more licking up my own blood and vomit. no more pain. But I still don't know, quite what to do, now.

[1_21Guns]

put savlon on the scars and cuts. they will heal.
the suffering is over, at least for now.
so live.
take steps at a time, and live.

[MadManWithaBox]

But I already have plenty of scars. And they're as vivid as the day I made them, some more than 2 years ago. How much will they fade?

[1_21Guns]

i'm not sure, it depends.
try using bio oil.
but its expensive...

[MadManWithaBox]

I'm gonna keep them. All of them. But I still want to. Badly. But i also want to stop. Badly.

[1_21Guns]

you have nothing to punish yourself for anymore hun.

[MadManWithaBox]

but.. he said i did. All that stuff. I licked it up, i cut, i jumped, i did what i was tld, and for what. is the punishment over. what it never standing. i don't know

[1_21Guns]

he's gone.
you've suffered enough.
you dont need to suffer anymore.

[MadManWithaBox]

But what if he was right. he may be gone, the voice, and the image. but the scars are real. and the words i heard were real.

[1_21Guns]

hun we've talked about this remember.
what you heard was real.
but it was in no sense true.
he's gone.

[MadManWithaBox]

But its still there. the idea. even if it wasn't true, i can't shake it.

[1_21Guns]

you can shake it hun.
you just need to know and understand its not true.

[MadManWithaBox]

but what if it is true, and he was right all along?

[1_21Guns]

he wasn't hun.
nobody is those horrible things he said to you.
nobody.

[MadManWithaBox]

But then why did he see was me suffering, me licking up my own vomit, and blood, and wishing i was dead, why would he want to see that? is that why he left?

[1_21Guns]

i dont know why he left hun.
all i know is i said something and he went.
all we know is that he's gone, at least for now.
and you dont need that suffering.

[MadManWithaBox]

But then why did he do it he didn't gain anything from it what kind of person was he

[1_21Guns]

a very sick one.

[MadManWithaBox]

i didn't do anything to him. I didn't ask for him, I didn't wish for him. Yet he was there. All the time, crushing my head, telling me what a lowlife piece of scum I am, making me do stuff so I used to dream about death, before he told me I couldn't. why

[1_21Guns]

i dont know hun, i wish i had an answer for you. i really do.

[MadManWithaBox]

is it unreasaoble of me to want an explaination?

[1_21Guns]

No, its perfectly reasonable.

[MadManWithaBox]

Then how do I get it? its there, in my head. i have a clear head, for the first time in years, and all I can think about is him, and why he did it. those horrible things. he said i was the worst person alive. but i'm not. i just don't get why

[1_21Guns]

sometimes people do things without having real or good reason.
the best thing to do is accept and move on.
you dont need him to continue to clog your head.

[MadManWithaBox]

But he is. and now, with that I'm free, i don't how to live. I am fucked up beyond recognition. And he has to answer for it. but he;s just left.

[1_21Guns]

you'll have to learn then hun.
you'll get better.

[MadManWithaBox]

But i don't know how. I can't learn. Until I know.

[1_21Guns]

but if you never know.
you'll never live.

[MadManWithaBox]

But I don't know if I can.

[HeroesAndCons]

People are ass holes and thats that only a handful of people are good