Depressed about sexual confusion

[darkman]

Hello all. Um, I've come to this forum in hopes of finding other teens and adults that can potentally help me out with my problem that I seem to have had for years now. It's about my sexual confusion, I'm just not sure about my sexual orientation and it's bringing me much grief and sorrow. I've felt that I have a potential of being gay for a while now, I've just recently started to not only be attracted to females, but now also males. Recently, I've pretty much tried to accept that I'm bisexual, but no, my mind and heart are so confused, I feel for one sex, then I feel for another, and it keeps changing and it's driving me insane. I've met a girl that has strong feelings for me but I don't seem to feel the same way for her, I thought I did, but I don't. We have just met only a few days ago, but we've been talking a lot and grew to know each other and she's been opening up to me. I'm very confused as it's hard for me to have the same feelings. I'm very confused, sometimes I want her and sometimes I have no feelings. I don't know what I should do. I want to want her, but then I just don't and it's making me pretty damn depressed. Am I a homosexual? Am I bisexual? Am I straight and just having problems? I really don't know, but it's just making me angry and sorrowful for years and I really want an answer, but then again, I don't because I'll have to live with it the rest of my life (that is if it's what I hope I'm not). What should I do in this situation? Is it possible to change one's heart/sexual desire? I know that might be a silly question, but I'm pretty desperate here. Also, I'm 18 years old now and puberty should be pretty much subsided... Thanx for all of your help.

[TheWizard]

There is no need to label yourself. Its proably just your hormons driving you crazy. Lots of teens feel the same way and most of them end up str8. BTW, puberty often doesn't end until your early 20's.

[Hyper]

21 is the last normal age of complete end of puberty :)

Anyway indeed no need to label yourself.. You could just be curious and confused. And you cant change the way you feel. If you dont want to be gay then dont be gay. If you dont want to be bi sexual then dont be bi sexual. If you dont want to be straight then dont be straight. Simple as that hopefully your confusion will pass and youl realise what you want.. And this girl well if the time and need comes then you should just reveal your situation to her.

[darkman]

Ah, ok, I'm glad to hear that it's not all over yet. I know it's not good to have to label oneself, but homosexuality and bisexuality just isn't something that I want to pursue, not to bash any homosexual or bisexual people, if it's something you want to do and you feel right about it, you shouldn't be stopped, but it's just not something for me. Thanx you two, I appreciate the advise and help, I hope it'll pass too. and yes, eventually I'll have to reveal my feelings to her soon, I'll try to give it more time and hopefully she'll grow on me because it's like she's everything that I thought that I wanted in a girl. Nice, sweet, caring, smart, pretty, and wants me, what more can I ask for...? :/

[TheUnicoe]

i think theres more to relationships then physical attraction... it sounds like you trying to label yourself is just making you more confused.

The truth of the matter is, you cant FORCE feelings. For example, if you wanted to be straight but still were crushing on a guy, saying your straight doesnt make you any less gay. So... just have crushes.

[helpisneeded]

hi, im going thru the exact same problem atm, n im the same age as u wer then. tbh n i dont mean to speak bad of those who are, but i wud rather kill myself, and hav thought about it rather than be gay. or considered hypnosis. all i seemed to do was obsess about it over and over again. n things that hav afftected me also are the fact that the media seems showing alot of homosexual men, its become widely accepted, i hav a gay uncle n it scares me that its in my genes as a person. i also hav a girl thats exactly like u hav/ had. i get scared of having gay mannerisms. i pick up on small things on tv which look gay and gay ppl in general scare me. i am just totally against it in my mind, i mean not that those who are are in some way disturbed or anythin, lyk u sed, its jst not me to be that way inclined. also over the last year alot of girls i know hav turned bi-sexual, i had a very traumatic break up with a long term girlfriend of many years who i loved. also i hav lost alot of family and friends and generally i feel lost and confused in the world seeing how ppl really are nasty to one another. even when i get up from bed it lays on my mind, ive cried many times with not understanding why ihav the same sexual desire and libido i once had for girls. without being big headed i used to be absolutely mad about girls and especially sex with them. but then one night i was out in town wiv a load of m8s n i tried pills for the first time and since then its just changed my who outlook on life. i think its more confusion than anything else. but last night i had a dream that my gf was taken away from me n it really hit home that i luv n do hav sexual desires towards her. jst cant understand why my body is doin this to me??? there are many many other factors that plague my mind that i obsess upon all day. i jst want to be the way i was and sory but i do treat this (atleast for me) as some sort of mental disorder that i hav created by myself by trying to analyse it to death about what makes ppl hav sexual desires towards one another, im dorry i hav absolutely nothing against gay ppl, its jst not for me. really hope it clears up. life really seems alien to me atm. i think if i jst let my mind rest i will be okay.

[byee]

Sexual orientation isn't something you either 'choose' or can change. You are who you are. The question is determining accurately exactly who that is.

One of the ways to do this is to get involved with people and see what comes up for you, inside. What your feelings are, what your thoughts are, what your urges are. It's difficult to determine if your lack of feelings for any one particular person (of either gender) is reflective of your gender orientation, or simply that you don't 'click' with that person.

As you get older, it's easier to seperate true desire from hormonal craziness, and at 18 or 19 I'd think that the feelings and urges you have might be easier to understand. What about therapy? Maybe exploring all this with a professional might help clarify for you what's going on?

As a P.S., this topic regularly comes up, alot of guys worry about their orientation, and a while ago I responded with my 'Rule of 3 A's' (in a moment of playing 'Junior Psychoanalyst'), which I thought was a pretty good explanation of what I think you need to have to take into consideration when trying to sort out your own orientation. You might want to search for it, I think it might help you.

[helpisneeded]

the end bit of that last post didnt seem to make much sense. Anyway i thought last week that my gf was pregnant as she was extremely late on. Cos silly me didnt use protection once or twice. Now sex wivout protection is still as good as it used to be. However when i use protection it seems like its totally shit. Excuse the language. I also have something more to add. For example even tho i know how to hav sex n everythin that goes with it i, i know this sounds crazy, i dont understand sex?! Strange i know. I have absolutely no self esteem when thinking about sex but when it comes to it i know exactly what to do. Its like when i used to think about sex it used to get me really turned on but now its jst lyk. Sex.... Big deal so what! Ive done everythin already i can think of to a girl and really enjoyed. But it sorta feels like watchin a repeat on telly. Ya know... U know wat to expect. Anyway ive really drifted from the point. Sometimes when im wiv me dad i jst wanna say 'dad im scared of bein gay' jst to relieve tension from my mind. But i know as soon as i say it that i wont mean it. And somethin else! Goin to town clubin. Gay ppl theyre everywhere! It scares the shit outta me cos its lyk d ppl out of mobile phone adverts. I was actually in a gay bar on saturday night but it was jst where i was meetin a few girlie mates. But then was kicked out for not bein gay. Strange when im this insecure. When i kiss and get really carried away wiv my gf i know i really like it, but then somethin creeps into my mind when i start to think bout it 'how can u enjoy this when ur so insecure about ur sexuality' n it knocks me off my stride. I look at girls and see how absolutely gorgeous some of them are but i think 'i couldnt even imagine shaggin one of them' lyk gettin close to them enuff to do it. I jst reckon im bisexual. N if i can make peace with it i will b okay. It feels lyk sum1 else inside my body. A stranger i dont understand. Definately someone who is not me. Since i was little all i ever wanted was to have a wife and kids in my own home. N then one day it jst stopped after my last serious gf. God knows my current gf turns me on n i find sexual. Ive always been a deep thinker n sum1 said ' does being so deep make any one person depressed?' it was my a level english teacher. N ive always found that if i cant find an answer then i will obsess about it till i find an answer. But what if there isnt one?

[Never_Forget]

It's your hormones. I have a friend that I trust totally and he's like my only true friend and I'm sorta between crush and love as a great friend even though I do love girls... Don't worry about it, I'm not ^^

[thesphinx]

If you guys have questions feel free to make your own thread instead of posting in old ones.

[yayMaddy]

Ugh.. I've been there. In fact, I am there.
Half the time, I'm totally aware that I'm straight, but the other half, I'm confused and get anxiety. I'm also pretty sure that I may have a hormonal imbalance.. God knows what that's been doing to me. Just like "Helpisneeded", I've got this horrible hate of the thought of being "Gay". I'd rather kill myself than be gay. The truth is, when you're hearing someone else talk about their confusion, it's a lot easier to listen to... Because you're going through the same thing and you can help each other.


Another thing I'd like to say, if you're in my position, and you've fallen in love with boys multiple times, one being recent, than you're probably not gay. It doesn't make sense.

I thought I'd put that out there.. Just going through a lame-o anxiety phase again.

[byee]

Thanks for sharing this, Maddy. I think it reminds us that puberty and hormones and that whole sexual thing affects girls, too. But, like guys, I think you've figured out that sometimes what you're feeling (or fearing) is just puberty and the way all those new, powerful urges and thoughts and stuff can influence what we think of our selves. But, i think there's a difference between what we're thinking about because we're 'under the influence', and what's really so.

It might be best, regardless if you're a boy or a girl, to not jump to any concluions and just wait and see. Your sexual orientation is much more than the sum of those urges and feelings, regardless of how strong or believable they are.

[yayMaddy]

Another thing that I've learned from talking with my mom, is that you don't change orientation.. From when you're born that is.. Like you can't turn gay.. That either you are or you aren't. And if you've been attracted to the opposite sex all of your life, than what you're going through now is just hormones.. As you just said.

I'm just confused.
He's just confused.
Life is confusing.

[byee]

I think you're confused because you want to know something about yourself when you don't have enough info to draw a confident conclusion.

I think your mom's partially correct. We are who we are, and we can't really change it, nor do we consciously 'choose' it. People don't choose to be gay, and they don't choose to be straight either. It's just the way we are. and why that is, or how it happens is really unknown.

I think it becomes clear, though, at some point in later adolescence which one we are. And before then, there are too many other factors that can be misinterpreted for one or the other (usually, the 'other'). With time and maturity (and experience) we can figure out which one we are. But until then, why stress about it?

[yayMaddy]

Why stress about it? Well unless you've been in one of our situations maybe you wouldn't be saying that..
That is definitely not something I would be happy about. Maybe because it doesn't seem right, or because it doesn't feel like you. To be honest, I'm not sure. I would never be interest in dating, kissing, hugging, or having sex with a girl.. So why do I get worried all of the time?
In fact, typing that sentence seemed a little off.

[byee]

Why stress about it? Well unless you've been in one of our situations maybe you wouldn't be saying that..
That is definitely not something I would be happy about. Maybe because it doesn't seem right, or because it doesn't feel like you. To be honest, I'm not sure. I would never be interest in dating, kissing, hugging, or having sex with a girl.. So why do I get worried all of the time?
In fact, typing that sentence seemed a little off.


My point is that if there are so many other things that could be causing you to question who you are, why are you stressing about it? It's not like you've reached some clear, confident conclusion about this. You're worried about the potential of something maybe possibly happening.

I understand that you wouldn't want to be gay, and these thoughts are very stressful. Maybe if you put a different spin on them, if you adjusted your perspective (that it might NOT mean what you fear), then you might be able to not feel so worried and stressed.

How old are you, btw?

[yayMaddy]

I can see what you mean a little clearer now..
Mainly, if I start "embracing" my fear (as my mom says.) I feel that I'll be absorbed in it. I just don't know what's going on... I'm confused and desperate for my hormonal imbalance to settle itself down. It's just fluctuating emotions most of the time. I'll start to get irrational thoughts, and it's not like this is the first one.
First it was Cancer.. That ended in a few years.
Then it was some unknown virus that disfigured my skin. To be honest, I don't even know why I was afraid of that one now..
Then it was Diabetes. I've got friends who are diabetic and I'd be crushed if it happened to me.
Now it's homosexuality. I've got reasonable, and logical explanations to my confusion, but half of the time.. I let my anxiety symptoms push all of the logic out of my mind.

I'm fourteen.

[byee]

Hmmm...so, it sounds like your questions about your sexuality aren't necessarily some new found awareness about yourself, but rather a pattern of you worrying about things, you have a history of what your mom calls 'embracing your fears'.

Maybe you need to address the underlying cause here, your anxiety about things in general? When you do that, perhaps your other fears will diminish, you won't grind over so many things.

In the mean time, knowing this about yourself, that you tend to worry a lot and 'embrace your fears', you might also tell yourself that what's going thru your mind, what you're thinking about or feeling isn't necessarily accurate, but rather a reflection of all that anxiety, which can be a bit irrational at times. Maybe reminding yourself that it's just not true might work.

[helpisneeded]

oh no this week has been so unbelievably bad! I cant seem to differentiate between what is friendship and what is liking someone. I really need some bloody closure on this now but i just cant stop questionin myself. I want my bloody sex drive back for girls. I feel that i dont have the confidence to actually be able to go and meet girls talk to them and jst in general i wonder if i would able to get a hard on if a girl asked me to shag her even tho im havin regular sex wiv my current gf. But even when im performin oral sex this shootin thought comes across my mind 'how do u know u even like this when u r so scared of bein gay' n it just knocks me off pace. Argh! I feel so fuckin pissed off wiv myself 24/7 i just want to beat the insecurity out of me! Humans need closure! I need closure. This isnt me at all! I always know what i want. But men is not on that list! Its like if i say to you now. Dont think of the colour red, what do you do, you think of the colour of course. And all i do all day is think about now being gay. And that if i do allow myself to not think about it then obviously ive given in and i am therefore gay. So im in a catch 22 situation. I know im still young and not yet set in any one particular way but this is just cripplin me now. All i want to do is enjoy my gf and her body, and i do until i get these intrusive thoughts. I also start to twitch when i see a toned lads body. I am not toned n hav always wanted to be. So then this sends me into even deeper bouts of depression. I dont know myself n its drivin me crazy! N the worst thing is, ive brought it on myself! The only sobering thought i give myself is that one day i will be dead and none of this will affect me. I feel the more i talk myself out of it the more talk myself in. I need to stop this vicious circle. Arent things like this supposed to happen wen ur lyk 14 or summit? Comments more than welcome anyway :)

[helpisneeded]

its supposed to say not being gay not now being gay btw. Typo. Im writin this off the internet on my phone on predictive text.

[byee]

Our Valerie ('Serenity') did a smashing sticky on this very subject, go read it, I think it will answer a lot of questions and hopefully put your mind at ease.

Sexual orientation isn't just about those thoughts or fantasies. It's mostly about how we see ourselves and how we see others, who we're emotionally attracted to. who we feel safe with, who we see ourelves growing old with. Sure, sex is there, but so are a lot of other important things, feelings and the like. You need all of that stuff to be gay (or atraight, for that matter). Just noticing muscles in a lad doesn't count!

At 14, so much is hormonal, everything seems sexual. It's easy to confuse those hormonally caused attractions and urges for something much deeper than just horniness. But, if you're liking your g/f, if you enjoy her and the relationship, chances are, it's just all those hormones confusing things. Give it time, try not to be too preoccupied by it, and it ill sort itself out.

[thedudeman]

i know what your goin through
i have sexual confusion to, i remember talking to my bisexual friend(girl) and she started talkin about a guy giving me head and i grew uncomfortable, then i talked to girls dirty and even talking about kissing my friend lauren turns me on, her lips just get me so squichy and well shaped, i have been in love with women, but as a child i expirimented with men and the guy i expirimented with still had some sexual attraction, i went through a phase where i found large lips on men attractive and imagined recieving oral from them, i just liked big lips and some of the guys around me happened to have huge ones, probly wouldnt have if theyh werent, i fantasized about having sex with a monkey and for a long time a little girl, but always got bashful and grew crushes on girls never really guys, well occasionallly a man crush but thats just something you develop on almost anything your very very close to, shit i even fucked my stuffed animals, i think most men go threw this, its almost a right of passage in sexuality, im not sure if im straight, i may be or i may be bi or i may be gay, there are people who are homo and then turn out straight, there really is no pattern kid, just enjoy what you wanna enjoy now and know in all likelihood you will come out the other end either straight or bisexual, and if you are bi you will probly lead towards women, so that means the good news is, bum da da dummm, you can choose to only pursue your attraction to women, find a woman you can be truly deep with and be totally open about your bisexuality, some women love this because bisexual men are men who are totally open with there feelings generally but still are sexually attracted to women, and occasionally men, it will be irritating but thats only one possibility, just remember, guys r horny, we fantasize about dating and fucking almost everything, at least i know i did, and sometimes still do, so dont take it to seriously

at least you dont live in the hood like me, i cant even express this less i want to get ridiculed or beat the fuck up, plus im a white boy, so if i can survive this, you sure as hell can, just be strong and realize you will most likely, 80% chance, turn out 100% straight, or you may always have slight attraction to men, rlly who gives a fuck, think about this, the people who make fun of you for your sexuality, would you wanna be there friend? a person that makes fun of WHO YOU ARE? hell fuckin no, its the same thing as droppin a friend who hates you for your hairstyle or how you dress, ignore the haters, cuz the people who embrace your trueself will always be the important people

[Triceratops]

This thread is 3 years old, please do not bump.

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