Do you think it was my fault or his fault for it being rape?

[justsomekid]

I have hard times with guys as a whole. I think they are too sneaky. I mean I had a bad history with them because I was like abused as a kid sexually by an uncle who was only 3 years older than me. Well I met this guy I finally let him get close to me as a friend. I trusted and I loved him like an older brother. I guess I developed a crush on him. We started dating and I didn't want to be close or anything he knew how distant I was with other guys friendwise let alone datingwise. Well I became close enough after a while. And I felt him pushed e a bit to get clser and closer you know but I was fine with it at that point Ireally loved him more than any past gf I had had. Last weekend we went to this party with a lot of older kids his age in senior and junior year. I go to a different school so people there jst thought I was his new gf that was 15 instead of how old I really am 13. Anyway I got drunk. not too drunk but drunk. After the party we had sex I guess. I don't remember it too well. But I remember saying no when we had sex. I freaked out I guess and told my parents I was raped. Eve though I know I did consent to having oral sex with him just not the actual thing. I feel like it was my fault putting myself in that position and then consenting to a sex act. But I still really felt hurt about it even though I feel I put it on myself.

[Hanyo]

Well... that's a complicated situation, but here's the technicalities of how it works:

If you told him no, he was wrong to do it with you.

If you were drunk, you're not capable of giving consent, so it was wrong for him to pursue sex with you.

If you're only 13, I'm pretty sure you're not legally authorized to give consent either, so he was wrong again.

That's the legal side of it.

As far as principle... well, he shouldn't have been trying to do it with you while you were drunk. He might have been drunk too, but that's not really an excuse. Depending on how forceful you were about saying no, he might not have clearly understood. If you said no very quietly and/or only once, he might not have heard you. If you said no but not very forcefully, he might have thought you were just playing hard to get but still wanted it (not a good excuse, but some people think that way). So, I say he was definitely wrong, I don't know all of the details, so he may have misunderstood what you wanted or were willing to do.

For your part... if you didn't want it, you should have made it exceptionally painfully clear that you didn't want it, from your post I can't tell if you did that. Also, you need to be on the lookout for dangers like this. Nobody has more control over your safety than you do. So, you should know that parties are potentially dangerous, drinking alcohol is dangerous, and being along with a guy is potentially dangerous, even if think you trust him. Alcohol can turn people into monsters... so if he starts drinking, that should be another signal of potential danger.

So you DID allow yourself to go into a dangerous situation, but does that justify what happened to you, or make it your fault? No. He still should have made sure you were completely ok with everything before he did anything to you.

But, if you actually agreed to do it, and then felt guilty afterward when you were sober and got scared and decided to call it rape, well, then it be your fault because you changed your mind after the fact. You can tell him to stop any point during the process, and he should stop, but after its already over, you can't really withdraw consent after the fact.

So I imagine by now your friend is in some serious trouble because you told your parents he raped you. You need to think hard and figure out with certainty if you told him no or not, and if you really wanted him to stop or if at the time you were actually encouraging him. Then you need to think about what you want to have happen out of this. Do you want him to be arrested and go to prison? That's a real possibility if you decide it was rape and you pursue it in legal channels. Or, do you just want him to listen to you and stop when you stay stop and go when you say go? Or do you just want to break up with him?? You need to figure out what result you want, and then that'll tell you if you should pursue the issue legally, settle with a stern talk and a beating from dad or just drop the issue.

Sorry you had to go through all of that, but I hope this may somehow help.

[chrissm]

If you clearly said no, and told him to stop, even if you had willingly gone alone with everything previously including the oral sex, then yes it was rape. However if the other guy had also been drinking his judgement might not have been too good either. Rape is never justified but you do have to accept some responsibility for getting into a situation where you lost control and made it more likely to happen. Its not your fault, I'm not saying that, and it was wrong, but I do feel that your actions contributed to the situation.

[justsomekid]

Well... that's a complicated situation, but here's the technicalities of how it works:

If you told him no, he was wrong to do it with you.

If you were drunk, you're not capable of giving consent, so it was wrong for him to pursue sex with you.

If you're only 13, I'm pretty sure you're not legally authorized to give consent either, so he was wrong again.

That's the legal side of it.

As far as principle... well, he shouldn't have been trying to do it with you while you were drunk. He might have been drunk too, but that's not really an excuse. Depending on how forceful you were about saying no, he might not have clearly understood. If you said no very quietly and/or only once, he might not have heard you. If you said no but not very forcefully, he might have thought you were just playing hard to get but still wanted it (not a good excuse, but some people think that way). So, I say he was definitely wrong, I don't know all of the details, so he may have misunderstood what you wanted or were willing to do.

For your part... if you didn't want it, you should have made it exceptionally painfully clear that you didn't want it, from your post I can't tell if you did that. Also, you need to be on the lookout for dangers like this. Nobody has more control over your safety than you do. So, you should know that parties are potentially dangerous, drinking alcohol is dangerous, and being along with a guy is potentially dangerous, even if think you trust him. Alcohol can turn people into monsters... so if he starts drinking, that should be another signal of potential danger.

So you DID allow yourself to go into a dangerous situation, but does that justify what happened to you, or make it your fault? No. He still should have made sure you were completely ok with everything before he did anything to you.

But, if you actually agreed to do it, and then felt guilty afterward when you were sober and got scared and decided to call it rape, well, then it be your fault because you changed your mind after the fact. You can tell him to stop any point during the process, and he should stop, but after its already over, you can't really withdraw consent after the fact.

So I imagine by now your friend is in some serious trouble because you told your parents he raped you. You need to think hard and figure out with certainty if you told him no or not, and if you really wanted him to stop or if at the time you were actually encouraging him. Then you need to think about what you want to have happen out of this. Do you want him to be arrested and go to prison? That's a real possibility if you decide it was rape and you pursue it in legal channels. Or, do you just want him to listen to you and stop when you stay stop and go when you say go? Or do you just want to break up with him?? You need to figure out what result you want, and then that'll tell you if you should pursue the issue legally, settle with a stern talk and a beating from dad or just drop the issue.

Sorry you had to go through all of that, but I hope this may somehow help.

that's what my parents said but I don't think my age played a factor at all. We worked well together.

No, I did break up with him but I don't want to take any legal action I told my parents about it but they acted like it was such a crime so I told them it didn't happen. However now that it's out people from his school the ones from the party are spreading rumors about us being together but we've both denied it was like that. It was just as friends. I just couldn't put him in any legal trouble I'd feel too bad about it I don't think he's really done anything that bad to harm me for him to face any charges to be honest. It just sucks now because there are all those rumors aroun where I live and now everyone inmy neighborhood and at school think that I had sex with him and that I'm gay. I mean I was looking forward to high school but now I don't know what to look forward to. But at least it's summer and vacation time I guess.

[MyNameIsJack]

dfdfasd

[justsomekid]

You weren't counscious so it wasn't your fault and maybe he wasnt counscious too. Next time I'm sure you'll not drink that much so you can remeber and take better desicions. Talk to him. Luck.

totally

[BlackBetty]

I wouldn't exactly call it rape. Because oral sex is a TYPE of sex, but not the real thing. I don't think you should tell your parents it was rape, because you was both drunk.

It would only be rape, if you remember 100% that you told him no, many times.

Just next time, be safer, and don't get drunk again.

Don't let this keep you from being with other guys. All guys aren't bad and that is very unfortunate that your uncle abused you.

[justsomekid]

I wouldn't exactly call it rape. Because oral sex is a TYPE of sex, but not the real thing. I don't think you should tell your parents it was rape, because you was both drunk.

It would only be rape, if you remember 100% that you told him no, many times.

Just next time, be safer, and don't get drunk again.

Don't let this keep you from being with other guys. All guys aren't bad and that is very unfortunate that your uncle abused you.

I remember saying no but I also remember now looking back that he was drunk out of his mind so I don't really blame it on him. I don't even think he remembers it.

[BlackBetty]

I remember saying no but I also remember now looking back that he was drunk out of his mind so I don't really blame it on him. I don't even think he remembers it.

If you remember saying no, then it could be classified as rape. But thats only if you turn it into the police (which I don't know if you are or not(

[Truth]

It's both of your faults. It was just the alcohol, sadly. You can't get drunk with a guy who's drunk out of his mind and then just say it was their fault, even though it's also their fault for drinking.

[justsomekid]

If you remember saying no, then it could be classified as rape. But thats only if you turn it into the police (which I don't know if you are or not(

I am not trying to

[Eskimo]

I think you shouldnt press any charges but I wouldnt go to parties for awhile until you can really make sure to drink responsibly and have safe sex. 13 is rather young for it though.

[Dark Vamp]

A no is a no. You might had wanted oral and not the other type of sex with penetration. Its still a no and he was supposed to respect that. When alcohol is involved however, there is always the possibility of impair judgment.

[justsomekid]

A no is a no. You might had wanted oral and not the other type of sex with penetration. Its still a no and he was supposed to respect that. When alcohol is involved however, there is always the possibility of impair judgment.


yeahthat'swha I'm realizing