</3

[TigerLily]

Seriously, I can't do this. It's just one fucking thing after another. And their just getting worse each time.

Six months ago, I said things were going to get better, the same six months before that. I mean fucking hell, I've been saying that my whole fucking life, right? There's only so much I can take, I don't pretend to have any great strength here. I have my breaking point, and I think I passed it a while back.

I don't want to sleep, nor eat, nor have any motivation for school or thinking positively or any of this. I don't see much to be positive about tbh. And before thinking I'm some pathetic emo whiney kid, my problems are pretty fucked up by anyone's standards. All-nighters cutting and drinking sound like a fucking good plan right now. I just want to escape.

Runaway where no one knows my name, where this shit doesn't follow me like a shadow. But I can't, so this'll have to do.

I really don't fucking care about hurting myself, or making things worse for myself, because I hate myself in every way. I feel so guilty, and I don't want to feel otherwise. These small punishments are nothing like what I deserve.

I miss her more, not less. It doesn't get easier. It was seven weeks on Sunday, and even now it's still setting in. Last night was up there with the worst of my life, definitely, crying for hours on end into her clothes. It's too much.. it's all just too much, I can't cope anymore.

I want to go back to starving and fainting, insomnia and cutting, everything from last year. I think about comas a lot, and though I'm not stupid enough to ever act on these thoughts (I should know what happens when people do stupid shit, huh) I still think and want it too much.

I can't tell anyone this. I've got this new fear of being abandoned lately.. it's cutting me off from all the people who love me, I'm sure. Tbh, I'm sure I'll regret posting this in the morning, but I'm kinda desperate right now. I just need to get a fucking grip, but I'm too pathetically weak to even try or want to.

I fucking miss you.</3

[nick]

That shoulder and hug are still waiting for you. Try and stay strong Rachel, it will get better but its going to take some time. <3

[TigerLily]

I'll have the shoulder and hug<33
Idk, logically I know you're right. But I think something's going to happen next, something worse. I'm scared someone else is going to die, someone closer to me, or get seriously ill, or something. Like a cycle. Idk, I'm fucked up.

[Scarface]

You're right this is a never ending circle of misery. You seem to be going through an awful lot at the moment. You have to step back and breathe. Take things one drama at a time. You could get overwhelmed and end up like you said you were last year and I hope it never gets to be that way again.

I know what it feels like to have a broken heart, I had a boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and he broke up with me and it haunted me for a very long time. What I realized is that I can't go through life dwelling in what happened yesterday even though it was dramatic and it hurt me I had to look forward.

You know that abusing substances and cutting never help. They are just a temporary numbness to what's going on, but when you come to, you realize your problems are still there and now you have either a hangover or several cuts and scars to hide it doesn't help in anyway. You have people that you can turn to and I could be one of them if you wanted. You can push through this it may all seem so overwhelming, but once you get passed it without hurting yourself you will reach a mile stone and be proud that you got through it without doing harm to yourself or others.

You can do this just have a little confidence in yourself that you can make it through these tough times. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm always here. Feel free to PM/VM me anytime. Good luck

[TigerLily]

You're right this is a never ending circle of misery. You seem to be going through an awful lot at the moment. You have to step back and breathe. Take things one drama at a time. You could get overwhelmed and end up like you said you were last year and I hope it never gets to be that way again.

I know what it feels like to have a broken heart, I had a boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and he broke up with me and it haunted me for a very long time. What I realized is that I can't go through life dwelling in what happened yesterday even though it was dramatic and it hurt me I had to look forward.

You know that abusing substances and cutting never help. They are just a temporary numbness to what's going on, but when you come to, you realize your problems are still there and now you have either a hangover or several cuts and scars to hide it doesn't help in anyway. You have people that you can turn to and I could be one of them if you wanted. You can push through this it may all seem so overwhelming, but once you get passed it without hurting yourself you will reach a mile stone and be proud that you got through it without doing harm to yourself or others.

You can do this just have a little confidence in yourself that you can make it through these tough times. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm always here. Feel free to PM/VM me anytime. Good luck

Thankyou<3
And I haven't broken up with anyone, the </3-part was about my mother's suicide. [I learned guys are shit for me anyways, lol, that was the 'drama' before this one, though i'm still not over it, but it's irrelevant and miniscule compared to this]
This is worse than last year anyway, I just haven't done as much stupid shit about it, if that makes sense. Idk how long that'll last for though, I've already drank and cut tonight anyways, so it's probably fucked.
I sound fucking annoying and attention whorey >_< i'm sorry
*hug*

[Scarface]

Thankyou<3
And I haven't broken up with anyone, the </3-part was about my mother's suicide. [I learned guys are shit for me anyways, lol, that was the 'drama' before this one, though i'm still not over it, but it's irrelevant and miniscule compared to this]
This is worse than last year anyway, I just haven't done as much stupid shit about it, if that makes sense. Idk how long that'll last for though, I've already drank and cut tonight anyways, so it's probably fucked.
I sound fucking annoying and attention whorey >_< i'm sorry
*hug*

*hugs* I am so sorry to see that please don't let what your mom has done influence you in anyway or to see that her decisions were okay. It wasn't your fault. Just please hang in there I am sure what you're going through is difficult, but don't give into those desires. Yeah guy's can do a "fuck all" in your life I had it happen.

Please know you have people here willing to help and if you need to talk I'm always here hun, You're not alone.

[Gumleaf]

it's only natural to have those feelings rach. like i have told you before, things will get better. it won't be straight away, but they will get better. you will never stop missing her, loving her and crying because she is gone. but the pain will ease in time and life will be easier to live. you are still grieving rach and until the grieving time has passed, things will seem bleak, with no hope and your mind will convince you that there is more pain to come and that the easiest thing to do is to let it consume you.

right now you are in an environment where everything you see and do reminds you of her. remember the story i told you about how i lost my grandparents? i can really sympathise with you. when my pa died, my grandma still lived in the same house for another year afterwards. everytime i went there i had to hide while i cried and cried. my pa was interested in video photography and i would watch all his home movies and i would cry more and more. the pain wouldn't go away. when my gran moved, the pain eased a little, but the memories have never gone away. i still miss him, think about him and cry about him, and now my gran too since she died.

but what i'm trying to say is rach, the pain will ease in time, but until then your mind is going to be brutal. i know you are strong rach, you inspire me and you aren't alone. as inviting as the cutting and drinking options sound, it's just your mind being dirty with you. you will reach the other end, and you will come out of this. your mind will convince you otherwise, but your friends can see past that. you are loved and cared for and it breaks me to pieces seeing you in so much pain. i can't take the pain away but i can share my love with you. :hug3:

[TigerLily]

it's only natural to have those feelings rach. like i have told you before, things will get better. it won't be straight away, but they will get better. you will never stop missing her, loving her and crying because she is gone. but the pain will ease in time and life will be easier to live. you are still grieving rach and until the grieving time has passed, things will seem bleak, with no hope and your mind will convince you that there is more pain to come and that the easiest thing to do is to let it consume you.

right now you are in an environment where everything you see and do reminds you of her. remember the story i told you about how i lost my grandparents? i can really sympathise with you. when my pa died, my grandma still lived in the same house for another year afterwards. everytime i went there i had to hide while i cried and cried. my pa was interested in video photography and i would watch all his home movies and i would cry more and more. the pain wouldn't go away. when my gran moved, the pain eased a little, but the memories have never gone away. i still miss him, think about him and cry about him, and now my gran too since she died.

but what i'm trying to say is rach, the pain will ease in time, but until then your mind is going to be brutal. i know you are strong rach, you inspire me and you aren't alone. as inviting as the cutting and drinking options sound, it's just your mind being dirty with you. you will reach the other end, and you will come out of this. your mind will convince you otherwise, but your friends can see past that. you are loved and cared for and it breaks me to pieces seeing you in so much pain. i can't take the pain away but i can share my love with you. :hug3:

i lvoe you
:hug::

[TigerLily]

Update: School rang up my dad today bout missed deadlines and not turning up to lessons and shit (it's ridiculous tho, i still do shitloads of work, it's just because i go to a really fucked-up grammar where like everything is over-exaggerated and anything less than straight As and A*s is a failure >_>). anyways, he has a nice little bitching session with them, then i got pulled out of class to be given all this shit about needing counselling, dad agrees with them. so idk how i'll get out of it, i dont want to go at all, but dad won't let the issue drop.

[Gumleaf]

well taking the school part out of it, if counselling is going to be thrown upon you, it might be more beneficial to try and embrace it. i understand how and why you wouldn't want it. all this stuff is hard enough for you to talk about to a bunch of people hidden behind a computer screen let alone to someone sitting in front of you. and for counselling to be beneficial you would have to overcome that. all i'm saying is don't disregard the idea completely. i really think that you could benefit from it if i'm honest, especially if it's ongoing. i can tell you from my own expereince with a counceller that it's not easy and that some sessions can be hard and you really feel like that you don't want to be there. but the sessions when you walk away feeling better about life with some plan on how to deal with things and make yourself happier makes it worthwhile. just think about that rach, i really think it could be the first step of making your life a little happier.

[TigerLily]

Stephenn<33333

Thing is, I don't want it to be beneficial, I don't want to be happier, not yet. I want to breakdown, I want to be punished. It's my fault.
I don't see why I should get to be happy when she's incinerated six feet under.
And I don't want some randomer therapist lying to me to make me feel better.

[Gumleaf]

well it wasn't your fault, it's your mind convincing you that it is as you go through it over and over again but i'm not going to say any more about that. and it's a good ploy by your mind to tell you that therapy will be a waste of time and they'll only tell you things you want to hear and stuff. i used to think that, i went into sessions when i first started last year disregarding it. therapy isn't about sugar coating and telling you what you want or what they think you need to hear, its about dealing with why you feel how you do and how to turn that around. i'll just leave you with this sweetheart, do you really think that she would want you to be feeling like this looking down on you now?

[Asylum]

Rachel, I am so sorry hun :( i know it's really, really hard, and I can't imagne what you are dealing with. I know this is a hard concept to grasp right now, but things Will get better. You are not alone hun. I don't know if you are religious... but God has not an wil never abandon you. I know those words dont' help if you don't believe in God.. but you still are not alone even if you do't believe in God.. we are here for you. Maybe not physically, but we are still here to listen nd to help you. Counseling will help. They aren't lying. Just know you will get through this. Have hope.. there is a reason and a purpose for everything.. even when we can't see it.. you will come ut of this stronger then ever before.. it wasn't your fault... that was your mom's decision.. it had nothing to do with yu. like Gumleaf said counseling should help with that. don't punish yourself for soemthing your mom did... try to stay strong hun. pm me if you need me. try to stay with friends on weekends and such to keep your mind off it. Distraction might be best.

[Kaius]

I'll have the shoulder and hug<33
Idk, logically I know you're right. But I think something's going to happen next, something worse. I'm scared someone else is going to die, someone closer to me, or get seriously ill, or something. Like a cycle. Idk, I'm fucked up.

I know this may not be what you wish to hear, but i know how you feel. When my uncle passed away a few years ago i became the same way, in a way i still am. The worry it causes is one of the biggest problems, the fear of something happening prevents you from being able to do very much just in case. You're not fucked up, not at all. You're just in a delicate position right now and what you need is someone to talk to, and to be there for you. If you need anyone to talk to you can find my details on my page. I promise you, one day it will slowly heal, not entirely, but it will get better gradually, you just have to try and keep going until that day comes

[TigerLily]

Rachel, I am so sorry hun :( i know it's really, really hard, and I can't imagne what you are dealing with. I know this is a hard concept to grasp right now, but things Will get better. You are not alone hun. I don't know if you are religious... but God has not an wil never abandon you. I know those words dont' help if you don't believe in God.. but you still are not alone even if you do't believe in God.. we are here for you. Maybe not physically, but we are still here to listen nd to help you. Counseling will help. They aren't lying. Just know you will get through this. Have hope.. there is a reason and a purpose for everything.. even when we can't see it.. you will come ut of this stronger then ever before.. it wasn't your fault... that was your mom's decision.. it had nothing to do with yu. like Gumleaf said counseling should help with that. don't punish yourself for soemthing your mom did... try to stay strong hun. pm me if you need me. try to stay with friends on weekends and such to keep your mind off it. Distraction might be best.

Thankyou for those kind words<3
I believe in God, though I don't think our beliefs are exactly the same.
I don't think good comes from everything, or that it justifies the pain something causes, or that God decides our ultimate fate. But thankyou anyway, I appreciate it(:

I know this may not be what you wish to hear, but i know how you feel. When my uncle passed away a few years ago i became the same way, in a way i still am. The worry it causes is one of the biggest problems, the fear of something happening prevents you from being able to do very much just in case. You're not fucked up, not at all. You're just in a delicate position right now and what you need is someone to talk to, and to be there for you. If you need anyone to talk to you can find my details on my page. I promise you, one day it will slowly heal, not entirely, but it will get better gradually, you just have to try and keep going until that day comes

Thankyou Aaron, I'm sorry to hear about your uncle<3
I don't know, I hope that doesn't happen in the future. When I'm depressed etc I don't really overworry, as much as underworry. The "urgh, fuck it, i couldn't give less of a shit" attitude sets it, which helps me go into self-destruct mode.
Thankyou again, means a lot(:

[1_21Guns]

Seriously, I can't do this. It's just one fucking thing after another. And their just getting worse each time.

that's life, as much as we hate it. that's life.

Six months ago, I said things were going to get better, the same six months before that. I mean fucking hell, I've been saying that my whole fucking life, right? There's only so much I can take, I don't pretend to have any great strength here. I have my breaking point, and I think I passed it a while back.

at least you never lost hope, the whole of your life you never lost hope. you dont need to pretend to have great strength, because you do have it. despite passing your breaking point, you still didnt give in, your still here.

I don't want to sleep, nor eat, nor have any motivation for school or thinking positively or any of this. I don't see much to be positive about tbh. And before thinking I'm some pathetic emo whiney kid, my problems are pretty fucked up by anyone's standards. All-nighters cutting and drinking sound like a fucking good plan right now. I just want to escape.

that's a tempory escape which will solve nothing, just make you feel better for a little while which will in turn make you feel worse. nobody thinks your a pathetic emo whiney kid hun, you know in the back of your mind that will help you to no degree.

Runaway where no one knows my name, where this shit doesn't follow me like a shadow. But I can't, so this'll have to do.

wouldnt we all just love to run away from everything? be free. but we can't. we have to take what we have and make the best of it, no matter how rediculosly impossible this seems.

I really don't fucking care about hurting myself, or making things worse for myself, because I hate myself in every way. I feel so guilty, and I don't want to feel otherwise. These small punishments are nothing like what I deserve.

one day, you will care about hurting yourself, and you'll wish all these days you spent hurting yourself never happened. you deserve nothing for what you have done, especially not what you are doing to yourself. as nobody deserves this.

I miss her more, not less. It doesn't get easier. It was seven weeks on Sunday, and even now it's still setting in. Last night was up there with the worst of my life, definitely, crying for hours on end into her clothes. It's too much.. it's all just too much, I can't cope anymore.

i'm not sure what this parts about, but loss takes a while to accept, everyone knows that, and theres nothing wrong with it. she wouldnt want you to be like this because you've lost her.

I want to go back to starving and fainting, insomnia and cutting, everything from last year. I think about comas a lot, and though I'm not stupid enough to ever act on these thoughts (I should know what happens when people do stupid shit, huh) I still think and want it too much.

do you really want that though, or do just want to get away and this is the only way your mind seems to think its possible? because its not the only way hun.

I can't tell anyone this. I've got this new fear of being abandoned lately.. it's cutting me off from all the people who love me, I'm sure. Tbh, I'm sure I'll regret posting this in the morning, but I'm kinda desperate right now. I just need to get a fucking grip, but I'm too pathetically weak to even try or want to.

I fucking miss you.</3

your not pathetically weak, and you do want to try. or you wouldnt be posting this would you? hold on to those people you love. even if it feels like your going apart.
good luck hun, and i hope things get better.