I'm crying for help

[May-]

Ok, I cant take this shit anymore, I really need to let it out, hopefully you guys will read this.

Since my dad left home, my whole life changed. He left us 7 years ago, my mom changed a lot and for 2 or 3 years I couldn't tell things were different, but now I see they were. Anyway, when I was 13 I started to feel very depressed, I started to act so fucking tough and I used to be a bitch to pretty much everyone, it was my way out of the weird things I was feeling. When I was alone, I used to cry until there wasn't one single tear left. I'm a songwriter, so my songs were all about how I wish I could be fearless, yet the only thing I didn't fear was death. I wanted to die and no one knew.

That year went by and I thought it was just a phase, since I only cried a lot, never did anything stupid. But when I turned 14, a friend of mine moved away, the only girl I called friend in this world left me. I had no friends before her and I knew I'd never find someone like her ever again. I got so fucking depressed when I found out about it that I drank all the alcohol I could find, locked myself in my bedroom and started cutting. And I liked it. Holy shit, that was (actually, is) the best thing in this whole world, it eased all the pain I felt inside.

Ever since then I can't stop, not because of that friend, I still talk to her and I also have new friends now, but it's become my routine, everytime something goes wrong, I drink and cut. But until a few months ago, I used to make shallow, medium cuts, now I do it 10 times a day and it's getting deeper. I know I need help but my mother won't listen. Even the principal of my school has talked to her, but she doesn't care, she says I only need to have faith in God and wait for this phase to pass. She knows I've been feeling like this for years, but she doesn't know I cut, and I don't know how to tell her. Only one person knows, because he saw and asked what's wrong, I didn't tell him but he realized what it was.

I really needed to vent and I want to know what you guys think and, especially, how should I tell her I NEED to see someone who can help me. I have faith but that's not helping me at all.
Thank you so much u guys ;)

[derkderpderp]

hey?erm have you thought about just getting to like any child services?i dont know if you have them where you live in Brazil,but if there are,go to them,they may give you ways of dealing with your feelings in other ways.
I cut,so i understand what you mean when you say it feels good,but it isnt really,and im addicted,you may be,its not for me to say,but try,just TRY to tone it down a bit.
Instead of cutting,why not scream or shout,kick or punch,sing angry songs,draw or paint or something/anything you may like to do?

[May-]

Hey, first of all, thank you for reading my post.
Second, yes, there are child services here, I've thought of going to them before, but the problem is my mom..
I know it isn't good to cut. AT ALL. But when I feel the need to do it, I can't help it. I always have a razor in my pocket. I've tried to stop and I went almost 1 week without doing it, even when I thought I needed to, but lately I can't sleep, so I tend to think a lot and it leads me to horrible thoughts about life):

[derkderpderp]

no problem.ok im pretty sure your situation is frustrating,i know that the worst answer ive ever gotten for advice is to 'go to God',etc.
Evidently youve tried talking to her,it didnt work,so you may have to go to the child services anyway,they will help you and your mother,she may still be sad or angry about your father leaving,get her or a friend to go with you whenever you go for help.

Now about cutting,its awesome you know its bad,but yeah i get what you mean,but why not instead of keeping a razor in your pocket,keep something less sharp?im not saying keep cutting,on the contrary i know how hard it is to stop,i still havent stopped,but what im trying to say is if you gradually decrease the damage done to yourself you may break the 'addiction'

[May-]

Yeah, I get what you're trying to say, maybe I should try that, even though I know it's not going to be easy. I really want to stop cutting, so I'll do whatever people say. Thank you

[derkderpderp]

no problem,it will be hard,is there anyone you feel you can rely on for moral support?if so try to go with them

[May-]

There's one person, she's much older, she used to be my PE teacher, I adore her and she's been trying to help me ever since the first day she noticed I was sad. We always talk about it and she supports me more than anything.
There's the vice-principal, who's close to me, but I don't think she'd understand what I'm going through.

I wish I could show my scars to someone and say "I NEED HELP", because I've come to a point where I know I need help and I'll do anything to find someone or something that'll make this fade away forever.

[derkderpderp]

speak to her then,and let her know,as a teacher she'd understand,and im pretty sure she will help to get the point across to your mother.go for it.

[May-]

Thank you, I'll try.. I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I guess I'm just gonna show her instead of trying to explain everything.. hopefully she'll help me.

[derkderpderp]

good luck!