Frankenstein's Bride
May 24th, 2010, 07:39 PM
Advice please.
It's took me along time for me to admit this and even now i'm still ashamed and embarrassed but I know this can't go on. When I was 11-12, My granddad (dad's dad) got cancer and a short while later my gran (mum's mum) got it too. Before this I was always out hanging with friends and never indoors. When they got cancer it meant that everyday i would have to go to the hospital and I couldn't see my friends. This went on for a year until my granddad died and then three months later my gran died. I was upset of course but I was more upset by the fact I had the chance to be there when they died and i chose not to. It makes me sound like a right bitch but when you've been to the hospital everyday (and all day during the summer holidays) and you're given the chance to not go, you're going to want to take it.
I was fine and happy until my second year at high school (So that would make me 13/14?). Then everything started to change. Every month I would have a week or two of sheer and utter despair but it wasn't that big of a deal. Everyone needs to be down sometimes and I was always such a happy girl other than that. Other than my growing obsession with my looks.
Third and fourth year is where my little "down" weeks intensive. Me and my friends were servery persecuted for being goths. We stuck together but it still made my obsession with my image suffer. I will be frank and say that I am obsessed and unhappy by the way I look, I'm pretty sure I have BDD as i have all the symptoms and I have an obsession with plastic surgery. So imagine being pelted by rotting food, glass, coins and being spat on. How would you feel? Now imagine how I felt with all my self confidence issues and self loathing? not too good. At the time i never told any of my friends about my issues with my image or my "down" weeks. it wouldn't have mattered anyway, they all were "depressed" and "self harmers". They went on about their problems and whenever i tried to mention mine they told me i had no right to feel the way i felt. My friend's had a horrible habit of turning everything into a melodrama which resulted in me getting kicked in by five girls (for pulling a girl of my friend) while my friends watched not even thinking to help. I was plagued with threats and I felt frightened to leave my house not to mention my confidence reached an all time low. Everyone seemed to hate me and want to hurt me. On top of this, the school put me in classes away from my friends so i was alone most of the day at school with people that would yell abuse at me. Outside of school things weren't much better but i got some enjoyment and got the idea that maybe i wasn't as repugnant as I thought.
Outside school I had a few number of friends and had a troupe of admirers all claiming to love and adore me. This made the other girls jealous and spiteful Even though I never lead any of the guys on. I felt good about all the flirtation and compliments but soon I began to hate them. They didn't care about me or how I looked, I was practically the only virgin left and they all just wanted to screw me. On top of this most my friends were poor and I'm quite well off, intelligent, well manner and well spoken so they hated me because i was "posh". My "down" weeks were less frequent during this time but my obsession with my looks had lead me into tight lacing and caused me considerable pain but things were going alright. Of course not for long.
One of my dearest and best friends and admirers got himself into trouble. He slept with the village bike who happened to be underage. So what? everyone in that group did that. My Bf at the time was an alcoholic (nice guy) who would give under aged girls booze so much so that they couldn't speak and then would rape them. He was a sweet and king guy but was a C*nt when he was drunk. Anyways, the day after the event the girl goes about saying who she's slept with and no one cares cause she's a hussy. So then she says she's pregnant, still no one cares as she has claimed this many times before. So then she says he raped her and happens to tell a security guard at the town. Of course he went to jail even though the police found out she had been lying. While all this was going on I stood by my friend because everyone knew he wouldn't rape anyone. I told everyone that they either chose me or that whore, because i wanted her to suffer for her attention seeking and lies. They all said they wanted to chose me but in reality they all confessed that they would chose her because she gave them money for drugs and booze and gave them sex. So i told them to f*ck themselves and i isolated myself from them completely.
At first I was strong and stood on my own two feet But it's almost been a year and now I'm crippled by my self imposed isolation. All my friends that i kept after splitting from most of my friends have betrayed me and now will converse with my ex friends. More so, they now seem to have forgotten all about me with the exception of the jealous friend (mention in another thread). So now I barely have any friends and they one i do have I hate or am jealous of. Why should they have friends and be happy and have bfs when they have always been so selfish and so nasty? why not me? why do people only see me as a trophy to be won?
Because I've lost almost all of my friends and I'm not allowed to see the one in jail, i barely leave the house. Whenever i do i normally get chatted up and if i am with friends they hate me more for it. I'm now lucky if I have a week where i'm not "down" and i cry myself to sleep most nights. I've tried to commit suicide three times and have planned to do it at least twenty times (one friend had the never to tell me that i was a bitch for trying to do it and then went on about her tedious problems). My parents constantly nag me about how it's "not normal" to be alone and in my room all the time and i should go out and make "normal" friends. Of course they have no idea all the stuff that's in my head. The constant suicidal thoughts, the self loathing, the utter despair and the longing for happiness. my mum hinted at that she imagined i must be sad but I told her i was fine. I can't tell my parents how i feel, they aren't sensitive to emotions at all. So I've never spoken to anyone about any of this before, because in all my life I've never had anyone I could tell things to. My parents always worked and never wanted me around too much, I've always had friends that have told me i'm worthless and stupid and ugly so i could hardly say anything to them and my other friend's didn't care.
In Any Case everyday is sucking the life out of me, I'm "down" most days now and have no desire to do anything, i don't care to much about my future, and i know that if things don't get better for me soon then i will try and take my life again. So please give me any advice you can. I'm too ashamed and embarrassed to go to therapy and i really would like the help. oxo.
It's took me along time for me to admit this and even now i'm still ashamed and embarrassed but I know this can't go on. When I was 11-12, My granddad (dad's dad) got cancer and a short while later my gran (mum's mum) got it too. Before this I was always out hanging with friends and never indoors. When they got cancer it meant that everyday i would have to go to the hospital and I couldn't see my friends. This went on for a year until my granddad died and then three months later my gran died. I was upset of course but I was more upset by the fact I had the chance to be there when they died and i chose not to. It makes me sound like a right bitch but when you've been to the hospital everyday (and all day during the summer holidays) and you're given the chance to not go, you're going to want to take it.
I was fine and happy until my second year at high school (So that would make me 13/14?). Then everything started to change. Every month I would have a week or two of sheer and utter despair but it wasn't that big of a deal. Everyone needs to be down sometimes and I was always such a happy girl other than that. Other than my growing obsession with my looks.
Third and fourth year is where my little "down" weeks intensive. Me and my friends were servery persecuted for being goths. We stuck together but it still made my obsession with my image suffer. I will be frank and say that I am obsessed and unhappy by the way I look, I'm pretty sure I have BDD as i have all the symptoms and I have an obsession with plastic surgery. So imagine being pelted by rotting food, glass, coins and being spat on. How would you feel? Now imagine how I felt with all my self confidence issues and self loathing? not too good. At the time i never told any of my friends about my issues with my image or my "down" weeks. it wouldn't have mattered anyway, they all were "depressed" and "self harmers". They went on about their problems and whenever i tried to mention mine they told me i had no right to feel the way i felt. My friend's had a horrible habit of turning everything into a melodrama which resulted in me getting kicked in by five girls (for pulling a girl of my friend) while my friends watched not even thinking to help. I was plagued with threats and I felt frightened to leave my house not to mention my confidence reached an all time low. Everyone seemed to hate me and want to hurt me. On top of this, the school put me in classes away from my friends so i was alone most of the day at school with people that would yell abuse at me. Outside of school things weren't much better but i got some enjoyment and got the idea that maybe i wasn't as repugnant as I thought.
Outside school I had a few number of friends and had a troupe of admirers all claiming to love and adore me. This made the other girls jealous and spiteful Even though I never lead any of the guys on. I felt good about all the flirtation and compliments but soon I began to hate them. They didn't care about me or how I looked, I was practically the only virgin left and they all just wanted to screw me. On top of this most my friends were poor and I'm quite well off, intelligent, well manner and well spoken so they hated me because i was "posh". My "down" weeks were less frequent during this time but my obsession with my looks had lead me into tight lacing and caused me considerable pain but things were going alright. Of course not for long.
One of my dearest and best friends and admirers got himself into trouble. He slept with the village bike who happened to be underage. So what? everyone in that group did that. My Bf at the time was an alcoholic (nice guy) who would give under aged girls booze so much so that they couldn't speak and then would rape them. He was a sweet and king guy but was a C*nt when he was drunk. Anyways, the day after the event the girl goes about saying who she's slept with and no one cares cause she's a hussy. So then she says she's pregnant, still no one cares as she has claimed this many times before. So then she says he raped her and happens to tell a security guard at the town. Of course he went to jail even though the police found out she had been lying. While all this was going on I stood by my friend because everyone knew he wouldn't rape anyone. I told everyone that they either chose me or that whore, because i wanted her to suffer for her attention seeking and lies. They all said they wanted to chose me but in reality they all confessed that they would chose her because she gave them money for drugs and booze and gave them sex. So i told them to f*ck themselves and i isolated myself from them completely.
At first I was strong and stood on my own two feet But it's almost been a year and now I'm crippled by my self imposed isolation. All my friends that i kept after splitting from most of my friends have betrayed me and now will converse with my ex friends. More so, they now seem to have forgotten all about me with the exception of the jealous friend (mention in another thread). So now I barely have any friends and they one i do have I hate or am jealous of. Why should they have friends and be happy and have bfs when they have always been so selfish and so nasty? why not me? why do people only see me as a trophy to be won?
Because I've lost almost all of my friends and I'm not allowed to see the one in jail, i barely leave the house. Whenever i do i normally get chatted up and if i am with friends they hate me more for it. I'm now lucky if I have a week where i'm not "down" and i cry myself to sleep most nights. I've tried to commit suicide three times and have planned to do it at least twenty times (one friend had the never to tell me that i was a bitch for trying to do it and then went on about her tedious problems). My parents constantly nag me about how it's "not normal" to be alone and in my room all the time and i should go out and make "normal" friends. Of course they have no idea all the stuff that's in my head. The constant suicidal thoughts, the self loathing, the utter despair and the longing for happiness. my mum hinted at that she imagined i must be sad but I told her i was fine. I can't tell my parents how i feel, they aren't sensitive to emotions at all. So I've never spoken to anyone about any of this before, because in all my life I've never had anyone I could tell things to. My parents always worked and never wanted me around too much, I've always had friends that have told me i'm worthless and stupid and ugly so i could hardly say anything to them and my other friend's didn't care.
In Any Case everyday is sucking the life out of me, I'm "down" most days now and have no desire to do anything, i don't care to much about my future, and i know that if things don't get better for me soon then i will try and take my life again. So please give me any advice you can. I'm too ashamed and embarrassed to go to therapy and i really would like the help. oxo.