Dear Ana

[Zeh Crazy]

This is my story.

As a kid, I had always been chubby, just overweight enough to where other people noticed. It never bothered me as a kid. I just kept on eating and eating, gaining pound after pound. Kids ridiculed me about my weight from 2nd grade and on. It hurt really bad, so bad, especially at that age. But I just couldn't stop.

So, in 7th grade, I began what I called a diet and what everyone else called starvation. I ate about 300 calories a day for a year and I lost 40 pounds. I did what everyone had been telling me for years I couldn't do. I had ended the family curse of being fat in myself. In 9th grade, I took it a step higher, only eating a protein shake a day. But I fell into binge eating and gained all my weight back and more.

My disorder is different than others. I can do so well and starve myself for almost a week, and then eat until I pass out from my sugar being too high. When I am fasting, I have learned to conquer the shakes and the horrible, yet satisying hunger. The aching. It all gives me strength. Sometimes I think I don't deserve to eat. I hate eating in front of people. I will go an entire day without eating just because I'm scared. People have commented on my eating habits. But I'm not quitting.

They don't know how far I'll go. I want to achieve my dream: to be thin, and lithe, and beautiful...

[screamtobeheard]

hun, you should really see a professional about this. you need to eat. i don't know you or what you look like, but i'm guessing you already are thin, lithe, and beautiful, you just can't see it. and even if you still want to lose weight, there are better, less damaging ways to go about it. this isn't healthy for you, and you need to get help with it. feel free to PM me if you need to talk about it at all.

[Scarface]

I know how the whole "diet" thing goes. I have struggled and can relate to you. The thing about fasting though as that when your body is done burning all the fat it starts to go to the muscle and that can cause osteoarthritis and be excruciatingly painful. Also as you described when you quit fasting that you gained all your weight back and more because your body is not used to digesting that much calories so it take more time to digest. Thus storing it and creating fat.

I know that dream of being thin and beautiful, but I took it to an extreme and would ignore the burning feeling that I would get in my belly and would drink mass quantity's of water to feel substance. Protein shakes don't give you all the vitamins throughout the day that you essentially need.

You should try taking a teen multi-vitamin and eat more fruits and veggies. Instead of eating nothing regiment your diet and write everything you eat down that way you can keep track. I know how it feels to not want to be able to eat in front of people because I would cut my food into tiny pieces and separate it across my plate it was really bad. Eat a nice health breakfast to start off your day you can still have your protein shakes just add a banana or a bowl of oats. That way you get a little more into your system and the oats are really good for you.

It's very hard to stop because once you start seeing results you want more and more, but this is not healthy, it's destroying your body and bringing you down physically. You just have to start off small by eating little things at a time throughout the day and add some exercise even if it's jumping jacks, running in place just to get some activity, but don't over do it to the point of exhaustion.

Don't beat yourself over what has happened in the past just look at what your doing now and try to make a change for your healths sake. Hang in there and think positive, think about internal beauty and have better thoughts about yourself. You can do this. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm always here, shoot me a VM anytime.

[Zeh Crazy]

I hate this. I hate how my willpower is always wavering. How I can never be happy with myself or why I was given this body. Why can't I be pretty and thin like other girls, with a body a guy/girl will admire? I am a failure.

[nomadzhao]

You should try taking a teen multi-vitamin and eat more fruits and veggies. Instead of eating nothing regiment your diet and write everything you eat down that way you can keep track. I know how it feels to not want to be able to eat in front of people because I would cut my food into tiny pieces and separate it across my plate it was really bad. Eat a nice health breakfast to start off your day you can still have your protein shakes just add a banana or a bowl of oats. That way you get a little more into your system and the oats are really good for you.

[enjoying_my_insanity]

you are NOT a failure!!! you are beautiful because of your personality, what you need to do is eat healthy, eat 6 small meals instead of binging with 3 large meals. also exercise, work out for about 20-30 mins doing gentle workouts to build muscle. do not overworl yourself and eat a lot of protein! good luck! :)

[Zeh Crazy]

This is all such good advice...But I'm not ready to let go of Ana yet. Once you have these thought patterns about food, it is hard to get them to go away. Most likely, I will have this all my life.

[BeautifulDisaster]

People can actually recover fully & live a life without their ED's. It is possible. It may always be there lingering in the back of your mind & you'll remember what it was like when you were ill, but you won't suffer anymore, at least, not as severely as you do now.

You'll be able to breathe again.

In the end, it is your choice to recover & not let this control you any longer.

I hope you one day choose to do so.

Good luck.

[Filipe]

as much as i support you in being something you want to be proud of... REMEMBER.. beauuty is in the eyes of the viewer... And you have a great heart... Therefore you are beautiful... The appearence.. It's just cliché.. :)

Tell me if you need anything
-hugs-

[Zeh Crazy]

I can't do it anymore. I can't continue to let myself eat like a fat pig. I hate all the stares I get. People say that no one's staring, but I can fucking see it. I don't get any support in my struggle. I've been fighting it alone. I want to do what's right, but I know if I do, I won't lose weight the way I want to. I'll still be fat. So I have to starve.

[Zeh Crazy]

So...About two years later from my last post. And I have lost 30 pounds from what I weighed then. I'm still fat and technically overweight according to a doctor. Sometimes it seems that I just keep giving up everything and get nowhere. I eat regularly, but it's restricted. I want to go a step further. If I listen to a doctor that puts me on a standard 1,500 calorie a day diet, like it's supposed to be for a teenage girl, I will gain weight, because I eat less than that now. On average, I eat about 800-1,000 calories a day. I don't know what to do. I've shot my metabolism.

I don't think I'll ever really get over this. It's too strong. This disorder has been a part of my life, the behaviors, thoughts, everything, for so long. All of my teen years and some of my childhood years have been consumed by this. I've heard that once you have an ED, it's with you for the rest of your life, even in some small way. ...All I can foresee is a never-ending battle with this, punishing myself for being inferior.