too much *warning: rant*

[LoveMe_HateMe]

well, just found out my uncle's in hospital cause of a heart attack and in the critical unit thingy bit. i hope to god he pulls through, i dont think i could handle it. just the whole situatuation is bringing back all the feelings/thoughts of when my nana went last year, i just dont want to go thorugh that again. recently i've been thinking about her and i really miss her, she didnt deserve to go, she was such a lovely woman, never moaning or complaoing about anything even though she had problems with her hips, knees, hands and she went to dialysis, yet she never complaind. i wish i was as strong as she was. i dont deserve this life, i want to give it all up. i actually dont see what i have to live for. everythings just getting too much for me. i;m finding it difficult to focus on anything, i cant be bothered anymore and i have my gcse's this month. and i;m always tired. i just want to give up, give in and just end it all. and i know thats selfish and i don't think i'd ever have the guts to do it but the want to do it is there.

and i feel so alone atm, i feel deserted by my friends, at this moment i actually have no one to talk to...fuck knows what my friends are doing, boyf is probably aslleep or playing one of his games....then again not sure if i want him knowing how low i actually feel and all my other mates ive fucked it up with them and dont trust them enough to talkl to them about me. so yeah, atm i feel fairly unwanted and unloved, which really doesnt help my shitty mood which has just gone downhill from since i woke up.

sorry mini rant over

[Scarface]

Sounds like you're going through an awful lot right now, but don't ever think that taking you're life or thinking that you don't have a purpose will fix everything, because it won't. You are making the right choices by coming here and talking about it. you're "friends" don't really sound like friends. Real friends would be there for you no matter what. You shouldn't worry about them that much. You can make new friends that will care about you and have you're best interest at heart. As for you're uncle I am so sorry to hear that, I know it has to be hard to see someone you love suffering. I have gone through it a few times myself. It's a hard process to go through, but it's a part of life everyone is born they live and they pass. When his time comes just know that he is in a better place and remember only the good times with him, because those memories will last a lifetime. Please keep you're head up and stay strong be in a positive mentality. If you need someone to talk to I'm always here

[LoveMe_HateMe]

i'm past caring at the moment, i just want to go downstairs and get a knife and cut myself, i want to see, feel the blood. i dont care that my boyf will be dissapointed in me, i dont care that he'll go tell my parents, and me dissapointing him was the only thing that has stopped me from not doing it in a month. i dont have the will power to not do it. i want to feel that something else, that rush, ya know? i want to feel something other than this unwanted-ness, numbness, sadness.

i always trust too easily, too quickly. and i'm really shy when it comes to meeting new people... i'm worried ima fuck it up with my boyf, when i'm tired, my temper is always really short and in the past couple of days ive snapped at him more times than i have in the past 7 months of us going out and i'm scared that cause of me he'll get fed up and leave me :/

[ExEmoBlood]

If he leaves you after 7 months of dating because you snapped at him, then that's pretty childish.

I understand what you mean by you just wanting to feel the rush. When you're numb for a long time you begin to long for any kind of feeling. Even pain will do. But you can't let yourself. You don't deserve to feel pain. So, don't settle for it.

I wish I could help you more. I truly do, but I can't do much on my side if you are so easily willing to just give up. I understand pain. Every type of it-- Emotional, physical and mental. So, don't think that I'm some ignorant person just telling you to stay positive. I've been through misery and suffering. I know how it is. I know how releaving it was to just cut and take my mind off of it for a while. Believe me. I was a fanatical cutter. And if I can change, can stop; then I know that you can.

Do you know why I chose the screenname "ExEmoBlood?" It serves as a reminder of what I overcame. And everytime I see it I feel proud. You didn't cut yourself for a month. Did you not feel proud of yourself? If so: then, imagine that feeling of proudness multiplied by 10. I haven't cut in nearly a year, now, and it does me proud that I've made it so far. And I mentaly beat the shit out of myself to drill it in to my thick skull that I am determined to not do it again. Ever.

Your mind is a powerful tool. Use it. Every time you have a single negative thought-- KILL IT. Right then. Right there. And, trust me, it's not bullshit. I do it every day. And it helps.

Now, keep in mind that you're still going to have problems. Life, for some reason, is this big fucking stage, on which we humans dance and sing this pitiful 5-star drama performance. It's everywhere-- you can't escape it. So, don't assume that anything is going to be a cure-all. You. Have. To. Work. At. It. Every. Single. Day. BUT! Once you start I garuntee you that you'll, at least, notice a small improvement in your attitude. And since you've chosen to make me your friend: I'll be here to help you every, single step of the way. This I swear.

I also promise you this: You. Can. Do. This.

[LoveMe_HateMe]

i don't think he would leave me, just that fear is there, like one day he'll wake up and think i'm not worth it etc...

i dont think i am actually that easy to give up on things, its just that yesterday i was in the crappiest mood i've been in a while. BUT! so far today i'm actually okay :D so hopefuly this will last for abit ^_^

[ExEmoBlood]

Well, just as long as you take my advice into consideration (consider it at the very least) then I'll be "okay," too.

[LoveMe_HateMe]

I will do, and as i've just said in my other thread I'll try and keep it mind ('til I feel like shit again then, knowing me, it'll all just go down the drain >_<). Thank you :)