the age old question: who am i?

[haibekah]

i don't really know where i should post this, so i'm just going to here. i've been gone for quite a few months, but no one seems to have noticed/cared so whatevs.

so i'm 18 now. an official adult. i've changed absolutely everything about me. everything that i've wanted to be, for the most part, i now am. i actually think i'm starting to lose my mind. nothing feels real anymore. oh yeah, but it's probably because i'm constantly getting high. i don't even remember what it feels like to go a day without smoking weed. i know what you're all thinking: "but weed isn't habit forming." true. except i now have absolutely no idea what reality feels like, or perception of right & wrong. i don't give a shit anymore.

before i started going to this new school i was shy, reserve and held my virtues and morals close to me. now, i really couldn't give two shits about what the fuck people think. i use my body to get what i want, i flirt with teachers, go to school high and have sex atleast once a day. now, you might think i'm encouraging or condoning these activities, but i'm not. i'm actually really struggling with my identity and what is/isn't real.

today i got sent to my principle's office because i've been skipping school quite a bit just to get high. i walked out of that place like nothing happened. who am i? i can't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.

girls that wouldn't even look twice at me talk to me now. they act like i'm not a total loser anymore. they acknowledge my existence.

guys stare at my ass, and check out my tits. and i love it. the attention sends a rush of adrenaline through my body. there's just something about feeling sexy that takes over my whole body.


my issue? who the fuck am i. what would someone tell me to do in a position like this? to my teachers, and all in authority above me, no one notices. no one knows the battle i'm having with myself on the inside. even if they did, i'm sure they couldn't give two fucks anyways.

i've been considering calling a mental crisis help line, but i've never done that before so i don't know what to expect. if you guys have any suggestions, or good ideas please let me know.

[1_21Guns]

calling one might be an idea hun, your 18 years old and lifes too short to keep this up.
try to get off the weed, you don't need it, its just hazing every feeling you have in your body, you already can't feel anything anymore and you have no idea who you are.
do you really want the rest of your life like this?
go try and get some help, talk to somebody, anybody.
craving attention is okay, but theres better ways to get it than what you do.
and i'm sure if people knew they would give two fucks, you just have to give it the shot.
good luck.

[haibekah]

i know i don't need the weed, but the feeling of being swept away from reality is so much better then going through each day sober. i hate being sober. talking to people doesn't work. i've tried and tried and tried. no one gets it. it's just too personal and deeply embedded in me.

i actually think you're totally right about me craving attention. i never thought of it like that. it6 actually makes sense.

[1_21Guns]

i know i don't need the weed, but the feeling of being swept away from reality is so much better then going through each day sober. i hate being sober. talking to people doesn't work. i've tried and tried and tried. no one gets it. it's just too personal and deeply embedded in me.

i actually think you're totally right about me craving attention. i never thought of it like that. it6 actually makes sense.

correct me if i'm wroing, but i bet you cant remember what your life was really like before you started weed.
now nothing feels as good without it, reality just doesn't feel good anymore?
nothings ever so far embedded in you and your life it won't go away.
so talking doesn't work? try to find another method to stop.
you have to want to stop, to stop. because you need willpower.
and if you think lifes better with it, you dont really want to stop all that much.
people somewhere will understand hun, its just finding them thats the hard part.

[Fiction]

I know this feeling. Your not the only one who feels like this. I think you just need to stop and think. I agree with Natalie aswell, you need to stop the weed. Weed isn't making you feel more real, or helping you know who you really are. Pm me if want to talk. I understand how you feel :)

[CaliKid24]

i don't really know where i should post this, so i'm just going to here. i've been gone for quite a few months, but no one seems to have noticed/cared so whatevs.

so i'm 18 now. an official adult. i've changed absolutely everything about me. everything that i've wanted to be, for the most part, i now am. i actually think i'm starting to lose my mind. nothing feels real anymore. oh yeah, but it's probably because i'm constantly getting high. i don't even remember what it feels like to go a day without smoking weed. i know what you're all thinking: "but weed isn't habit forming." true. except i now have absolutely no idea what reality feels like, or perception of right & wrong. i don't give a shit anymore.

before i started going to this new school i was shy, reserve and held my virtues and morals close to me. now, i really couldn't give two shits about what the fuck people think. i use my body to get what i want, i flirt with teachers, go to school high and have sex atleast once a day. now, you might think i'm encouraging or condoning these activities, but i'm not. i'm actually really struggling with my identity and what is/isn't real.

today i got sent to my principle's office because i've been skipping school quite a bit just to get high. i walked out of that place like nothing happened. who am i? i can't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.

girls that wouldn't even look twice at me talk to me now. they act like i'm not a total loser anymore. they acknowledge my existence.

guys stare at my ass, and check out my tits. and i love it. the attention sends a rush of adrenaline through my body. there's just something about feeling sexy that takes over my whole body.


my issue? who the fuck am i. what would someone tell me to do in a position like this? to my teachers, and all in authority above me, no one notices. no one knows the battle i'm having with myself on the inside. even if they did, i'm sure they couldn't give two fucks anyways.

i've been considering calling a mental crisis help line, but i've never done that before so i don't know what to expect. if you guys have any suggestions, or good ideas please let me know.

cannabis-induced depersonalization disorder. i have it too, haha.

[haibekah]

cannabis-induced depersonalization disorder. i have it too, haha.


haha, i love it too much though. i really don't think that it's the weed that's the problem. i know that sounds so cliché and like any other "drug-addict", but it's true. if anything i think it's helping. atleast, it feels like that to me. thanks for the support guys. vt is the one place i know i can come and talk to people who actually want to help.

i really don't want to stop smoking it, cause it makes me feel awesome. i think too much when i'm sober.