Rooster
July 11th, 2006, 11:21 PM
I was with a girl named Chatham (pronounced Cha-dum) for a year. Our relationship started at a time that we were both suffering through. My father had just died in a car crash, and she had just found out her mom and dad had been lying her whole life. You see, her mom was with a man for a while, and wanted kids. He left her, but she still wanted a child, and so she went to the sperm bank and was artificially insemeninated. Thus, Chatham came to be. Her mom met Peter when Chatham was 1 or 2, and so he became her father. This isn't a bad course of events, but they never told her, and so she locked herself in her room for days and began cutting. Back to me at this same point, I got back to school the next day I had it after my dad died. I was shocked. No one ever really liked me, but I was stricken with even more depression than I already had when I got there. You see, I go to a small school, where everyone knows eachother. But no one said I'm sorry, or I'm here for you, or anything, but four people (2 friends, 2 really nice girls that were sorta friends). My friends abandoned me too. I already had hated life and wanted to die while my dad was alive, but this was too much. I shut out the rest of the world. My grades fell from B to F, I lost faith in myself, I just wanted out. About this time Chatham developed a little thing for me. I always asked her why. She said 'cause I was "Hot and dangerous" (I'm the self proclaimed Jesus of the Anarchy. I wrote a song calling upon my rite as Jesus). Her friends kept that stupid little "Please go out with her" thing for weeks. I always just roared "Go fuck yourself!" or something like that. I had my own problems. I couldn't babysit some stupid girl who lives on the hill with all the other rich kids. I had fires to set and such.
Then one night a school dance came. I'll keep it short to save time, but she asked me to dance with her on a slow song, I said no, she cried, I apologized and explained that I wasn't ready for anyone else in my life, her friends came over, I literally roared like a beast so loud the room went silent and they fell over. Then at the end of the night Stairway to Heaven was playing, and she was dancing with one of her girl friends just to keep busy. I felt bad, so I approached her and said "Can I cut in?" She looked like she had been offered gold. We just held eachother and swayed to the song. Then one of her guy friends came over to gawk. So I kicked him in the shin, and he fell over. Chatham thought this was the funniest thing. So she joined in and we beat the shit out of this random kid. Everyone in our grade was gathered around us because The Jesus of the Anarchy was dancing with the female class clown of sorts. Then the song ended and the lights came on. She turned her head because her friend was saying something, and when she looked back I was gone. I had silently slipped away into the crowd. Later on in the year, she gave me a note that apologized for her obnoxious friends and thanked me for my generosity.
I realized that night that she had something to her. I mean who else would kick the shit out of someone to Led Zeppelin with me? I decided to give her a shot. So I asked her out. She obviously was more than willing to say yes. We mostly talked on the phone, and got to know eachother quickly.
Then she went to some far off summer camp for a few weeks. We wrote eachother frequently. In her letters she admitted to cutting and stuff, but she stopped because, and I quote her for saying a quote from me, "I didn't want to live anymore, but you became my purpose, and from that I grew." We both got so much stronger. I missed her all summer.
She came back and were both busy with school. So we couldn't call much, and couldn't see eachother because she never told her parents. Her parents are very protective. They aren't the biggest fan of the anti-establishment, anti-christ, anti-conformist, anti-everything, boy friend. Because of lack of communication, and fear of her parents. We decided to split up.
One week of sitting alone in the dark, reading her old notes and letters, and listening to Stairway to Heaven then ensued. It turns out though, she was testing me for that week. I called her, and the answering machine went on. I didn't want her parents to listen to the message and know about me. So, I held the phone to a stereo speaker and played Stairway. As it turned out, she was there and picked up the phone. I said how stupid I was and begged she'd consider taking me back. She said yes, and it was almost smooth sailing.
She wasn't allowed to talk on the phone like right after school, but we did anyways to avoid her parents. After a while I convinced her to come clean about it. She told her parents about me.
This opened up a whole new world. We started seeing eachother outside of school. This of course meant hanging out at her house (not mine though because neither of us wanted exposure to my meltdown family). The first time was incredible. I met her parents who liked me until they found out later on about exactly what kind of person I was. I grew on them though, because I didn't do anything wrong in their home (to their knowledge) and I was good with Chatham's kid sister Keira. Anyway the first time there was great. We went for long walks and talked. Then we were standing in the trees on the side of the road. I recognized this spot from a dream from the previous week. In this dream we stood in the exact spot, and she came towards me as to kiss, but then everything went white and I woke up. She then said, "I want to do something that could help us, but I don't know if I should." I was pretty much positive what she was talking about. But I couldn't just say "Aw, gosh darn it! You wants to kiss me doncha? Pucker up!" We went back and forth hinting at it for 2 hours. It got dark and walked back to her house. Her parents scolded us for being outside too long or some dumb shit like that. So we waited outside for my mom to pick me up. I told her I loved her and that it didn't matter that nothing happened. She grabbed my collar and pulled me in. We had to stop just as quick as it started because we her heard her mom coming through the garage. So we went back to waiting. My mom got me and I went home.
We had many visits like that over the next months, and I got a little more action over time (still a virgin though). We talked often. I have a record of saving her house from suicide, cutting, demonic possesion, and fire (all long stories). Things were awsome.
Then things went sour. She seemed kind of sad when she talked to me. I sensed her losing her feelings for me. She insisted it was her irregular period. But I didn't buy it. Months went by and things didn't improve. She seemed distant and started cutting again.
Then the worst happened. She sent over her friend who said word for word "Chatham's dumping you. She said that she doesn't have time for you anymore with all the docters and therapy." I sat down at my lunch table, with my two only friends who would even sit with me, and watched Chatham chatting with her friends like nothing happened. I tried to be ok. I wanted to be ok. But I shut down. A look of the very deepest hate came across my face. The kind that makes you turn and run when I look you in the eye. They did run. I was like a force that moved the world devoid of my space. Everyone was like "OMG what's happening?!" I stayed silent. I went to my classes and never said a thing. Then the end of the day came.
The weekend didn't make me feel better. Chatham called that night to say that she was sorry and that she wasn't sure she made the right choice. I told her that as angry as I was, I still wanted her to be happy (I meant it) and that she should do as she feels is right. We kept talking that weekend. The last call I asked her to take me back one last time, to see if I could well. Have her back. She said some kinda shit like that we were "taking a break" in her eyes. I knew better though.
School was the worst. As it turned out I had died. "OMG! But I heard you lit yourself on fire!" or "Holy fuck! But I thought you had ODed on painkillers and swigged red wine." Even my friends had already taken me for dead. Maybe I really was dead. No one was where I was but me. I was alone.
As it also turned out. Chatham was talking trash about me behind my back to my friends. "I wanted him gone for months." "I really wish he had died." She was saying all this stuff when I had done everything for her that whole year. This person I had loved was running a smear campaign against the crippled shadow that was me.
Since then I've shut myself out of the rest of the world. I typically stay inside and write music. I go whole weeks without even speaking a word. I only leave when I have to, or to go to concerts. I've moved on, but I'm still looking for the shattered peices of myself.
Then one night a school dance came. I'll keep it short to save time, but she asked me to dance with her on a slow song, I said no, she cried, I apologized and explained that I wasn't ready for anyone else in my life, her friends came over, I literally roared like a beast so loud the room went silent and they fell over. Then at the end of the night Stairway to Heaven was playing, and she was dancing with one of her girl friends just to keep busy. I felt bad, so I approached her and said "Can I cut in?" She looked like she had been offered gold. We just held eachother and swayed to the song. Then one of her guy friends came over to gawk. So I kicked him in the shin, and he fell over. Chatham thought this was the funniest thing. So she joined in and we beat the shit out of this random kid. Everyone in our grade was gathered around us because The Jesus of the Anarchy was dancing with the female class clown of sorts. Then the song ended and the lights came on. She turned her head because her friend was saying something, and when she looked back I was gone. I had silently slipped away into the crowd. Later on in the year, she gave me a note that apologized for her obnoxious friends and thanked me for my generosity.
I realized that night that she had something to her. I mean who else would kick the shit out of someone to Led Zeppelin with me? I decided to give her a shot. So I asked her out. She obviously was more than willing to say yes. We mostly talked on the phone, and got to know eachother quickly.
Then she went to some far off summer camp for a few weeks. We wrote eachother frequently. In her letters she admitted to cutting and stuff, but she stopped because, and I quote her for saying a quote from me, "I didn't want to live anymore, but you became my purpose, and from that I grew." We both got so much stronger. I missed her all summer.
She came back and were both busy with school. So we couldn't call much, and couldn't see eachother because she never told her parents. Her parents are very protective. They aren't the biggest fan of the anti-establishment, anti-christ, anti-conformist, anti-everything, boy friend. Because of lack of communication, and fear of her parents. We decided to split up.
One week of sitting alone in the dark, reading her old notes and letters, and listening to Stairway to Heaven then ensued. It turns out though, she was testing me for that week. I called her, and the answering machine went on. I didn't want her parents to listen to the message and know about me. So, I held the phone to a stereo speaker and played Stairway. As it turned out, she was there and picked up the phone. I said how stupid I was and begged she'd consider taking me back. She said yes, and it was almost smooth sailing.
She wasn't allowed to talk on the phone like right after school, but we did anyways to avoid her parents. After a while I convinced her to come clean about it. She told her parents about me.
This opened up a whole new world. We started seeing eachother outside of school. This of course meant hanging out at her house (not mine though because neither of us wanted exposure to my meltdown family). The first time was incredible. I met her parents who liked me until they found out later on about exactly what kind of person I was. I grew on them though, because I didn't do anything wrong in their home (to their knowledge) and I was good with Chatham's kid sister Keira. Anyway the first time there was great. We went for long walks and talked. Then we were standing in the trees on the side of the road. I recognized this spot from a dream from the previous week. In this dream we stood in the exact spot, and she came towards me as to kiss, but then everything went white and I woke up. She then said, "I want to do something that could help us, but I don't know if I should." I was pretty much positive what she was talking about. But I couldn't just say "Aw, gosh darn it! You wants to kiss me doncha? Pucker up!" We went back and forth hinting at it for 2 hours. It got dark and walked back to her house. Her parents scolded us for being outside too long or some dumb shit like that. So we waited outside for my mom to pick me up. I told her I loved her and that it didn't matter that nothing happened. She grabbed my collar and pulled me in. We had to stop just as quick as it started because we her heard her mom coming through the garage. So we went back to waiting. My mom got me and I went home.
We had many visits like that over the next months, and I got a little more action over time (still a virgin though). We talked often. I have a record of saving her house from suicide, cutting, demonic possesion, and fire (all long stories). Things were awsome.
Then things went sour. She seemed kind of sad when she talked to me. I sensed her losing her feelings for me. She insisted it was her irregular period. But I didn't buy it. Months went by and things didn't improve. She seemed distant and started cutting again.
Then the worst happened. She sent over her friend who said word for word "Chatham's dumping you. She said that she doesn't have time for you anymore with all the docters and therapy." I sat down at my lunch table, with my two only friends who would even sit with me, and watched Chatham chatting with her friends like nothing happened. I tried to be ok. I wanted to be ok. But I shut down. A look of the very deepest hate came across my face. The kind that makes you turn and run when I look you in the eye. They did run. I was like a force that moved the world devoid of my space. Everyone was like "OMG what's happening?!" I stayed silent. I went to my classes and never said a thing. Then the end of the day came.
The weekend didn't make me feel better. Chatham called that night to say that she was sorry and that she wasn't sure she made the right choice. I told her that as angry as I was, I still wanted her to be happy (I meant it) and that she should do as she feels is right. We kept talking that weekend. The last call I asked her to take me back one last time, to see if I could well. Have her back. She said some kinda shit like that we were "taking a break" in her eyes. I knew better though.
School was the worst. As it turned out I had died. "OMG! But I heard you lit yourself on fire!" or "Holy fuck! But I thought you had ODed on painkillers and swigged red wine." Even my friends had already taken me for dead. Maybe I really was dead. No one was where I was but me. I was alone.
As it also turned out. Chatham was talking trash about me behind my back to my friends. "I wanted him gone for months." "I really wish he had died." She was saying all this stuff when I had done everything for her that whole year. This person I had loved was running a smear campaign against the crippled shadow that was me.
Since then I've shut myself out of the rest of the world. I typically stay inside and write music. I go whole weeks without even speaking a word. I only leave when I have to, or to go to concerts. I've moved on, but I'm still looking for the shattered peices of myself.