backstageorbust
May 14th, 2010, 10:37 PM
I feel like an incredibly horrid, douche-baggy, selfish, hurtful person. The most horrid, douche-baggy, selfish, hurtful person on this Earth.
Why?
Well.
See, I dated a boy a while back, in October: it was great, pleasant, blissful, I was just all-around happy. Well, for the most part. I eventually lost some feelings for him and I broke it off with him two months into the relationship. I mean, he was a new kid in school and we barely knew each other when we started dating. I guess when I got to know him more there were quirks that I couldn't take at the time. But even today, he's still a really good friend of mine. In fact, he's admitted that I'm his favorite girl to talk to...
Besides his new girlfriend.
That's where the trouble starts. I don't know when, probably a month or two or three ago, but I started to get some feelings back for this boy. And I feel like udder crap because I broke up with him and now I like him again. Seriously, me? I remember the day he told me who he liked, and not even a week later the two were dating, because I and a few other girls helped him. That was... The end of April? Two weeks of bliss for them, so far.
No offense to them, but they're so awkward. They've hugged once or twice or thrice, in two weeks. And I hug him at least once a day. I'm afraid for him that he likes her more than she likes him but I don't know. I don't know anything. They're just... I don't know. AWKWARD. Nothing's really changed since they've gotten together besides they text a little more and talk a little more and hang out a little more... Everyone agrees about their awkwardness so at least I'm not the only one. And no one gives them very long. Except for one girl but she's in lah-lah land.
What kills is that he likes her SO MUCH and I'm just a selfish, horrible person and can't be legitimately, 100% happy for him and her. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing my friends happy and all, but... Eh. You know? There's the lagging feeling of low self worth where all I just feel like doing is breeeeaaaking down. She is such a better person than me. More beautiful, nicer, more outgoing without being an annoying spastic challenged person, and they're just so jadbuberlakjshqwer-perfect.
I just don't know how to deal with this: him being with her, her having him, me being here and caught in it. I talk to friends, sure, but I feel like I annoy them so much. Two of my apparently 'closest' friends call me obsessed, and admittedly I'm a tad crazy but it's just CLOUDING my conscience with those big ugly storm clouds. And it's storming in my conscience. A lot.
And also, they think I'm interfering with their relationship.
Uhm?
HE ASKS ME FOR FREAKING ADVICE, NOT MY FAULT HE ASKS ME AND NOT YOU. I'M NOT INTERFERING, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.
Moving on.
I sometimes talk to my friend's mom about it, she's like my second mom, but I don't like talking too much about it with her. Perhaps she'll think I'm crazy too. And my best friend EVER, I mean, EVER. I feel like I annoy her too. She's got so much going on and is borderline mentally insane and I feel like I talk too much about my trivial issues when she's got this whole other war going on. She doesn't need to be part of mine. :\
But ANYways.
Today, a whole group of us went roller-skating and they went out onto the rink, for couple skate, hand in hand. I was sitting with a friend and could have started bawling right then. And tomorrow, I have to go to a pool party with them there.
I feel like I can't get any better than him; I don't WANT any better than him. And he can do SO much better than me, as he already has.
If that doesn't scream "intensive therapy," I don't know what does.
Why?
Well.
See, I dated a boy a while back, in October: it was great, pleasant, blissful, I was just all-around happy. Well, for the most part. I eventually lost some feelings for him and I broke it off with him two months into the relationship. I mean, he was a new kid in school and we barely knew each other when we started dating. I guess when I got to know him more there were quirks that I couldn't take at the time. But even today, he's still a really good friend of mine. In fact, he's admitted that I'm his favorite girl to talk to...
Besides his new girlfriend.
That's where the trouble starts. I don't know when, probably a month or two or three ago, but I started to get some feelings back for this boy. And I feel like udder crap because I broke up with him and now I like him again. Seriously, me? I remember the day he told me who he liked, and not even a week later the two were dating, because I and a few other girls helped him. That was... The end of April? Two weeks of bliss for them, so far.
No offense to them, but they're so awkward. They've hugged once or twice or thrice, in two weeks. And I hug him at least once a day. I'm afraid for him that he likes her more than she likes him but I don't know. I don't know anything. They're just... I don't know. AWKWARD. Nothing's really changed since they've gotten together besides they text a little more and talk a little more and hang out a little more... Everyone agrees about their awkwardness so at least I'm not the only one. And no one gives them very long. Except for one girl but she's in lah-lah land.
What kills is that he likes her SO MUCH and I'm just a selfish, horrible person and can't be legitimately, 100% happy for him and her. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing my friends happy and all, but... Eh. You know? There's the lagging feeling of low self worth where all I just feel like doing is breeeeaaaking down. She is such a better person than me. More beautiful, nicer, more outgoing without being an annoying spastic challenged person, and they're just so jadbuberlakjshqwer-perfect.
I just don't know how to deal with this: him being with her, her having him, me being here and caught in it. I talk to friends, sure, but I feel like I annoy them so much. Two of my apparently 'closest' friends call me obsessed, and admittedly I'm a tad crazy but it's just CLOUDING my conscience with those big ugly storm clouds. And it's storming in my conscience. A lot.
And also, they think I'm interfering with their relationship.
Uhm?
HE ASKS ME FOR FREAKING ADVICE, NOT MY FAULT HE ASKS ME AND NOT YOU. I'M NOT INTERFERING, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.
Moving on.
I sometimes talk to my friend's mom about it, she's like my second mom, but I don't like talking too much about it with her. Perhaps she'll think I'm crazy too. And my best friend EVER, I mean, EVER. I feel like I annoy her too. She's got so much going on and is borderline mentally insane and I feel like I talk too much about my trivial issues when she's got this whole other war going on. She doesn't need to be part of mine. :\
But ANYways.
Today, a whole group of us went roller-skating and they went out onto the rink, for couple skate, hand in hand. I was sitting with a friend and could have started bawling right then. And tomorrow, I have to go to a pool party with them there.
I feel like I can't get any better than him; I don't WANT any better than him. And he can do SO much better than me, as he already has.
If that doesn't scream "intensive therapy," I don't know what does.