Just have a think...

[Triceratops]

The question: "why do you self-harm?" is enough to put most cutters on edge. Now, coming to think of it, why exactly do you self-harm? I mean - excluding the obvious reasons - just try to think a bit deeper, as in how different it makes you feel during and after. It's super hard to explain what I'm thinking of right now.

I always used to think that I self-harmed to make me feel better - which was true, of course. However, I didn't stop to think why it made me feel temporarily neutralised.

I've pinpointed my behaviour down to the little self-worth I had, and how I felt like I was absolutely nothing. To run a blade down my thigh or arm made me feel pain - like I deserved it - but the pain also made me feel like I was actually there, and that I wasn't nothing, because if I was nothing I wouldn't be able to feel the agony. Do you follow? Furthermore, self-harm made me feel so independant; which was one of the KEY reasons for my addiciton to it. I felt like I couldn't fit in and be happy like the rest, so enduring this self-inflicted pain made me feel like I didn't need to be like them, as I was solely independant, and that I had this control which I probably wouldn't find anywhere else.

I should stop there before I go into lots of detail, but generally I find that self-harming has shaped me up to be a better and much worse person at the same time. I can never say that I'm a happier person than I was before, because I would be lying. But, I'm working on it, and ONE FUCKING DAY I'll make it. I may feel isolated from others in this, when it comes to my life, but I just want to hope and believe that I'm going to break through and beat this.

[Brighter.Tomorrow]

I think I used to cut, because I controlled it.
When cutting you control how long it is, how deep it is. You're controlling the pain; Which is what I loved about it.

But after a while I learned, it's not helping me or my problems. So I slowly took on one problem at a time. And it got better, it was hard, but after a while everything calmed down.

This sounds mean, but so many people look to others for help, when in the end, you have to get over it and help yourself, others can only tell you what you already know.

Great post. =]

[Syvelocin]

I can't stop thinking about why things are. What the frik is life? What makes us exist vs. being non-existant? What if it's all a dream?

That's my problem right now. I make myself feel so dead. Recently, my reason is to feel something. To be alive, a concept I can't wrap my head around.