A gush post.

[wishingonastar]

Hey all,

This is my first post here, and it's gonna get pretty deep. Just a warning!

I`ve done a lot of research on cutting. I try to be a logical person, and I figured I'd collect my facts before coming to a forum like this. But alll the research in the world isn't helping me, and I think I just need to get my feelings out, and ask for someone's opinion.

Everything I read, it's about how cutting makes a person feel again, after being so numb. How the pain, the sensation, lets them feel again, lets them function. The thing is, that's not how it is for me, at all. And I know that every person is different, but there should be a base pattern, right? I shouldn't have such a radically different reason then almost every blog or information site of read.

When I feel that urge to cut, it's never because I'm feeling numb. I always feel like there's something dark and angry inside me, crushing my heart and making breathing impossible. Something that's going to suffocate me if it doesn't find a way out. I cut when I'm emotional, when I need something to numb me, not the other way around.

I find myself wanting people to know, yet doing everything in my power to prevent them from finding out. I'll be careless in revealing the marks, but make sure they're strategically placed where no one will look. I'll mention a deep attachment to a song related to cutting and how it affected me, but if someone asks me why, I manage to completely disregard the connection until they're fooled. I vow I won't bring up anything to do with it, but then, I do, and I hate myself for it.

It makes me wonder, do I actually have a problem, or am I just doing this for attention? It hurts to even ask that, but I need someone to be honest with me. What I know is when I'm in the bathroom, angry and furious over something that shouldn't matter, reaching into the drawer for that pair of scissors, all I'm looking forward to is the cut. Or more specifically, the burn I feel after the wound is made. The burn that lasts for minutes, that focuses me, calms me, until i can function again.

But as soon as that burn fades, thoughts about people finding out flick through my mind, my friends in particular. Yet, I know that no one can find out, ever. I'm a straight A student, athletic, with parents that would die before hurting me and friends that mean the world to me. It would kill everyone I love to know how far this has driven me. I have no reason to be doing this, no right, and yet I find myself drawn to it.

I don't really know the point of this post. Hell, I don't even know if this is 'true' cutting, seeing as I rarely break the skin, and the marks fade away. Half the time, it's not even scissors or a razor- just my fingernails, gouging the skin on my forearms/upper arms; never breaking it, but leaving dents that remain for a few days.

I don't know what to think. I just need advice. Hell, do I even need to stop? It's not like I'm leaving scars on my body, or in any serious chance of hurting myself; normally, any marks are gone within a week or two.

I'm trying to be brutally honest with myself, and those reading this, and I think I need that honesty back.

I'm sorry for rambling for so long, and seeing as it's 2AM where I live, I probably shouldn't be posting this at all. I'm not sure how coherent that was.

-wishingonastar

[Scarface]

Your intentionally hurting yourself so yes i do consider this a form of self harm. You seem to have a good life. Is there a void that you're trying to fill? I know how it feels to fiend for that next cut and then feel that fear of people finding out. It's a vicious cycle that never ends until you get some help. Maybe you could consider speaking with a guidance counselor or a psychologist. I am glad however that you sought help and came to VT that is a good start. It's not good to hurt yourself because your creating another problem for yourself and even though you have a moment of "numbness" it's only temporary. It never solves anything it only makes things worse. I hope you will in time quit and save yourself from further grief and marks. If you ever need to talk to someone send me VM I'm always here. I hope this helps

[ShatteredWings]

Don't think self harm isn't bad because it didn't start out with the typical deep crap.
That sounds about where i started, little past. It's self harm.
Some people cut for the numbness...
don't think that because it's not a textbook case it's not a problem

I'm tired right now, but just so you know someone read everything. I'll get a more thought out responce to you later

[Amyxoxo]

Here it is then ...
I couldn't really believe that you would just shrug something like this off because it isn't too deep or not really that important to you. Because when you self harm you never really know what you are capable of tbh.
We can answer if you doing this because of attention or not but why do you need to convince up that you are?
I suggest that you take a day off school, pull a sickie and think.
Don't let yourself do anything just sit and think.
Try to understand. This may take longer than a day but it will be a good start.
Try to write everything down, then in a couple of days, read it through again. Make sense or it.
Amy x

[Obscene Eyedeas]

Tbh i cannot tell if you are doing this for attention but anything you do to hurt yourself is considered self harm even if it leaves no permanent scars. you look to self harm for a few brief moments of numbness that should concern you hun it shows a lack of coping skills which you need to address. you need to take time to yourself to figure out why you do this and think back to the first time it happened and ask yourself why at that moment Did you do it?

you are seeking help and that is a good first step. the road ahead you should be pursuing is that of quitting for good and you may need to seek help and support for this. you seem to analyse all the little things deeply but you seem not to be focusing on the main aspect of why you started and why you still do. while you need logic to do this you must also approach this task while looking at the emotional side of this and emotions are not always logical. if you need any help you can pm me. or vm if you wish.

[dizzydinosaur]

I can identify with a lot of what you have said here; I self harm because I want to feel numb rather than the other way around. I also find myself wanting people to know, but doing everything possible to prevent them from finding out. I don't think it's necessarily for attention, I don't know because everyone is different, but I definitely don't.

pm me if you want to talk :) x

[starbrite5]

Everybody self harms for their own individual reasons, I doubt any two people's causes are exactly alike. And yes, that would be considered self harm. Most sources define self harm as behavior done with the intent to harm yourself, and include scratching within that. I think that perhaps you sort of want to tell someone, and that's why you give people the opportunity to work it out. I did that around certain friends up until I finally just came out and told them.

[Antonioc]

Don't do it man. I felt exactly the same as you about 3 weeks ago... small things, not even leaving marks. Then, I started leaving ones that only stayed for a day or two. By then my best friend had found out, and she decided to steal all my compasses, which didn't really help. Two weeks ago, I spent the week making cuts that didn't always bleed, but left very visible bright red cut marks. After about 4 days, I realized basically every inch of my right arm was covered (I've never been able to cut my left arm :S )with bright red marks, lol. I really didn't want anyone to see. Well guess what? I was playing basketball with one of my friends that Sunday, my sweater-sleeve rolled down, and he saw my arm. He promised not to tell anyone... and by Tuesday, half the school knew. I managed to put it off for about half a week :), but last Friday my parents were being cruel to me, as usual, but this time they wrecked a night I had been looking forward to for a looooong time (one of the last nights I'll ever spend with one of my best friends), and yeah. In a moment of stupidity, I hrabbed a razor. In my fury, I couldn't even notice the cuts I made somehow, so I slashed away more. Within the minute, it was bleeding more than I've ever bled. With a sh-tload of bandages, I covered it up, ,and in about a quarter hour it stopped, but it was too late. I'd started again, and couldn't control myself. When I'm angry/sad, cutting makes me feel good again. To think that I was so close to stopping... Oh well.


Moral of the story^
Don't SI. Since I've started, I've practically destroyed my arms in a few days. The only days I don't do it are the days I spend all day with my best friend, and she's constantly out of town, so it isn't often. It may not seem like alot, but it will build up.

[ShatteredWings]

Mkay. i have a habit of dissecting posts. It's how i keep thoughts organized.

Everything I read, it's about how cutting makes a person feel again, after being so numb. How the pain, the sensation, lets them feel again, lets them function. The thing is, that's not how it is for me, at all. And I know that every person is different, but there should be a base pattern, right? I shouldn't have such a radically different reason then almost every blog or information site of read.
1) not really different trains of thought
2) people cut for different reasons. Personally i want what you're going for, numbness. Ironic, considering cutting is painful (to normal people -.-) but the end result can be the absence of.

I find myself wanting people to know, yet doing everything in my power to prevent them from finding out. I'll be careless in revealing the marks, but make sure they're strategically placed where no one will look. I'll mention a deep attachment to a song related to cutting and how it affected me, but if someone asks me why, I manage to completely disregard the connection until they're fooled. I vow I won't bring up anything to do with it, but then, I do, and I hate myself for it.
So i'm not the only one who does that. lol.

It makes me wonder, do I actually have a problem, or am I just doing this for attention? It hurts to even ask that, but I need someone to be honest with me. What I know is when I'm in the bathroom, angry and furious over something that shouldn't matter, reaching into the drawer for that pair of scissors, all I'm looking forward to is the cut. Or more specifically, the burn I feel after the wound is made. The burn that lasts for minutes, that focuses me, calms me, until i can function again.
Does it effect your life?
Do you hide it?
if it effects you , yes you have a problem.
if your hiding it and not telling people i don't think it's for attention. You *get* something out of it, regardless of how healthy it is.

I don't really know the point of this post. Hell, I don't even know if this is 'true' cutting, seeing as I rarely break the skin, and the marks fade away. Half the time, it's not even scissors or a razor- just my fingernails, gouging the skin on my forearms/upper arms; never breaking it, but leaving dents that remain for a few days.
Ugh, this 'real cutting'/'real *issue*' gets on my nerves.
If i thas an effect its a problem

I started with biting and brusing myself. It turned into my arms looking like i've been attacked by some vicious animal

I don't know what to think. I just need advice. Hell, do I even need to stop? It's not like I'm leaving scars on my body, or in any serious chance of hurting myself; normally, any marks are gone within a week or two.

Yeah. you need to stop. As i've already pointed out it's problem. Just 'cause its' not "bad" yet doesn' mean its not a problem, or that it wont esclate