Log in

View Full Version : Haikus

Cosmic
May 4th, 2010, 07:57 PM
Here are some new haikus I've written recently. Hope you enjoy... Comments appreciated. :)

1.

Leave the passers by
To flow briskly around us.
And just look at me.

2.

Ten thousand tonnes fall
quick on bruised heart and bruised mind.
The words you fire.

3.

Deep rusty red from
The sky tells little at dusk.
Yet you seem altered.
Haven
May 4th, 2010, 09:13 PM
I think they're generally really decent, especially for haiku's. You did really good. :)

The only issue I have is with the third haiku in the first line - "Deep rusty red from" only consists of four syllables, rather than five. Other than that, great job.

I quite like the first one a lot. :)
Simple yet vivid.
Cosmic
May 5th, 2010, 07:13 AM
I think they're generally really decent, especially for haiku's. You did really good. :)

The only issue I have is with the third haiku in the first line - "Deep rusty red from" only consists of four syllables, rather than five. Other than that, great job.

I quite like the first one a lot. :)
Simple yet vivid.

Hey thanks for your comments, but "deep rust-y red from" is 5 syllables. :)

Glad you enjoyed the first one!
Haven
May 5th, 2010, 01:58 PM
Hey thanks for your comments, but "deep rust-y red from" is 5 syllables. :)

Glad you enjoyed the first one!

:( why on earth do I count syllables weird.

But yeah, good job. :D
The Madness.
May 5th, 2010, 08:04 PM
I like the second one the best.

REALLY good. :D
Cosmic
May 6th, 2010, 07:35 AM
Thank you guys :D So first and second got a vote each... Poor number 3. :P
Kaius
May 6th, 2010, 07:44 AM
I'll go with number 3 :D Just as good as the other two, well done Declan
Asylum
May 6th, 2010, 09:36 AM
i just love haikus in general. they are all well written and I love them all. excellent work :)
Blood
May 6th, 2010, 02:02 PM
I like them. Nice work (:
Cosmic
May 8th, 2010, 07:01 AM
I'll go with number 3 :D Just as good as the other two, well done Declan

Woooohooo they're all loved by someone :P Thanks!

i just love haikus in general. they are all well written and I love them all. excellent work :)

I like them. Nice work (:

Thanks for your comments guys :D Didn't expect them to be so well received!
Harley Quinn
May 8th, 2010, 07:22 AM
I love 3 :D
SimSailorNick
May 8th, 2010, 07:42 AM
The first is great! It totally speaks to me. :D