urges are back

[LoveMe_HateMe]

i think ive been doing quite well for past week/ week and a half, been feeling quite good actually, not been cutting or self harming but. now. today nothing seems to be going right today and my feeling of nothingness is back.. i feel like i need to cry but there's no tears coming and i just feel empty inside. i miss my boyfriend not seen him in like 4/5 days ( i nknow its not actually THAT long but for the past coupld of weeks been seeing him nearly everyday) i miss my best friends too.

feel like there's a wall between me and everyone else, i just dont know how to break them down. i feel like ive annoyed or upset my boyf somehow but i dont know why/how and sometimes it feels like i make more of an effort to go see him. i love him and i know he loves me but sometimes i just dont feel it and it worries me. best friends... dont even want to get started on that bit.

but yeah i dont even know why im posting this...maybe its to keep me occupied for a bit so i dont do any harm to myself. i dont want to do it. dont want to see or hear the dissapointment in my boyf again if he sees ive done it. i dont want him to go to my parents if i do, do it again. i hate dissapointing people and that is the only thing from stopping me from doing anything right now. but im getting to a point where i just dont care anymore. i just dont know what to do with myself and my life anymore.

parents say i have the potential to be smarter than them and go to uni etc but feck off do i. i dont deserve anything that i have.. someone else deserves it more than me.. like people who actually do have proper problems not me. sometimes i feel like an attention seeker just wanting attention. i actually wonder if people can see through my fake mask. i wonder if certain people see how much it annoys/hurts me when they fucking brag about what bands they;re going to see and what festivals they're going to and how they're gonna see all my favourite bands. BLAH-BLA-FUCKING-BLAH. urgh..

sorry i'll stop now.. mini rant or whatever this is, is finite.

*edit* i can feel another mini break down coming and there;s no one here to calm me down or stop me from doing anything stupid...

[MadManWithaBox]

The most important thing for you to remember I think, is that even if you give into these urges, its just a temporary fall off the wagon./ You get yourself right back on up and try again, and keep trying, till you nailed it.

[LoveMe_HateMe]

i'm not really worried about that, the main thing is dissapointing the people i love and ebing a dissapointment to them :/

[MadManWithaBox]

Well they won't be disappointed, as long as you keep trying, cos they'll know its a hard thing for you. And they'll always love you. Love is a non negotiable thing my friend.

[LoveMe_HateMe]

but like my boyf is the only one who knows atm and if do end up doing it and he sees... im scared he'll leave me and i really cant and wont be able to deal with that.. definietly not at the minute. i'm scared enough of loosing him anyway without this fucked up part of me messing it all up. i'm actually scared.

[xgeekyrocksx]

if he loves you he wont leave you hun
when you get the urges try and write a diary, sing or go for a walk x
dont be scared he is very likely to accept you as you are...not telling him and keeping t from him might be making you worse.. hope all becomes well xx

[MadManWithaBox]

Well then you need to sit down and talk to him about it, why you're doing it, and maybe he can help you. And in accordance with the above post, if you get the urges, distract yourself, go for a walk, play for a video game, anything.

[Lemonlover934]

just keeping trying your best. you can get through it. your bf sounds like he really cares, so just maybe be open with him when you get urges. he won't leave you, it just hurts him to see you hurting, so keep trying,
And if you do fall he will be there. PM if you need anything x

[LoveMe_HateMe]

thanks guys :) i ended up not cutting..but only cause i ended up falling asleep... which wasnt really a good idea, had some wierd dreams :/

did however end up spraining wrist and ankle yesterday D: so dont think i'll urges to cut for abit...

[Mike321]

Glad you didnt cut, wierd dreams are less harmful that cutting is so it was probably a good thing :)
Hope you ankle gets better soon

[LoveMe_HateMe]

Thanks, but its kinda a good thing ive done my wrist/ankle in, cause i just hit that when i feel the urges.. it doesnt have the same effect as cutting but it does kinda hep :/