Failure

[Aspiringanonymous]

I can't even stand by my own principles. I'm disappointed, disillusioned, distressed, tired as crap.

I'm sick of resisting when I know that it will be in vain. It will snap at any moment, the only reason it hasn't, is because there has been no precise, complete opportunities within my external environment to assist the process. But there will be, and it will happen. I've known it for a long time; but the haunting awareness has never been this intense.

All I need to do is take that first step. Make that first cut. Forget everything I've ever learned or chose to stand for, to believe in. This is a world full of broken dreams and crippled dreamers, I am only joining the ranks that are growing day by day.

So, I'm sorry if I don't seem to have any more insightful replies to make around here. I have nothing left to say.

[Hyper]

Well to me it looks like you have the right principles, just that your spirits broke.. Just to remind.. You know what you're losing and you know how hard it is to get there I don't think there is a person out there who has lived a little and sometimes felt that they can't go on fighting whatever tries to bring them down.

But cliche cliche, there always is a way and standing by your own principles is a damn fine thing to do and no trying hard for something can never be all in vain.

[Brighter.Tomorrow]

When we try to put so much effort into something, we strain ourselves. Relax, things do get better after time. "It's always darkest before the dawn." "For it's out of the silence that we learn to sing."

Being in a "Bad" place as most call it, isn't really bad. You can learn alot of things from it, you just have to have to will to keep kicking, when it looks like the fight is lost.

And to be simple about all this...
Maya-Leaf need to be happy and take vacation to Hawaii! =D (Talk to Ant about paid vacation to hawaii.)

[1_21Guns]

I can't even stand by my own principles. I'm disappointed, disillusioned, distressed, tired as crap.

I'm sick of resisting when I know that it will be in vain. It will snap at any moment, the only reason it hasn't, is because there has been no precise, complete opportunities within my external environment to assist the process. But there will be, and it will happen. I've known it for a long time; but the haunting awareness has never been this intense.

All I need to do is take that first step. Make that first cut. Forget everything I've ever learned or chose to stand for, to believe in. This is a world full of broken dreams and crippled dreamers, I am only joining the ranks that are growing day by day.

So, I'm sorry if I don't seem to have any more insightful replies to make around here. I have nothing left to say.

Maya, that first step is a step backwards and you know it. Everything you took so long to make yourself believe just forgotten? You don't need things like that, you're better than it.
So what if it happens, i'll be truthful and admit i don't fully understand what that part of your post means, but whatever could give you that push, isn't worth your anger and upset.
Everyone has thier ups and downs, I know I probably haven't been much help, but yeah, if you ever need to PM me to vent or whatever, i'm always here Maya, always.

[Aspiringanonymous]

Hope is the one thing I lack most. I used to have hope, when I was younger, of that 'better life' away from the people that perpetuated the misery. But then I got there, and as time went on, it just came to me how blissfully ignorant my beliefs were. There is no better life, only misery shifted into a different form. Some term this 'existential depression'; the misery of awareness.

I could go through all the reasons and experiences that led me to the conviction that I will 'fail' - believe me, I have tried to prove it wrong, and block it out completely when almost every situation I would get myself into ended up strengthening it instead. But I don't want to waste your time.

I sense it right now, as I sit here - the fragility of the clear consciousness, the one that can account fully for itself, free from external, irrational influence. Something dark and dangerous in a position I cannot yet pinpoint, seems to be on the verge of a breakthrough. My strength is faltering, and my supportive barriers are wearing out.

With knowledge of weakness comes a crippling self-hatred. I am disappointed in the world, in humanity, yes; but much more so in myself.

[1_21Guns]

Hope is the one thing I lack most. I used to have hope, when I was younger, of that 'better life' away from the people that perpetuated the misery. But then I got there, and as time went on, it just came to me how blissfully ignorant my beliefs were. There is no better life, only misery shifted into a different form. Some term this 'existential depression'; the misery of awareness.

there's always hope, always. we just lose belief that there is any when our lives become so miserable it's practically unbearable. Misery is something that yes will follow through our whole lives, but we are alive, and even though it's not easy, we should make the best of it.

I could go through all the reasons and experiences that led me to the conviction that I will 'fail' - believe me, I have tried to prove it wrong, and block it out completely when almost every situation I would get myself into ended up strengthening it instead. But I don't want to waste your time.
you can, if you wish, your not wasteing my time. PM me if you so wish, i'm damn sure most of those reasons aren't actually your failure.

I sense it right now, as I sit here - the fragility of the clear consciousness, the one that can account fully for itself, free from external, irrational influence. Something dark and dangerous in a position I cannot yet pinpoint, seems to be on the verge of a breakthrough. My strength is faltering, and my supportive barriers are wearing out.
The reason you haven't given up completely yet shows you still have some hope left, and your strength never completely runs thin, your stronger than you think, you've just lost the belief that its worth fighting.

With knowledge of weakness comes a crippling self-hatred. I am disappointed in the world, in humanity, yes; but much more so in myself.
you have nothing to be disapointed in yourself for, or if you do, being disappointed in yourself will get you nowhere, it's not going to erase the reasons you were dissapointed, just make you lose more belief there is hope than before. Maya, everything has it's ups and downs. You were right to have those beliefs of a better life, because there is one, and deep down you still believe it.

Sorry I wasn't much help, kinda in a rush XD