I can't take this guilt.

[screamtobeheard]

I feel like I'm always posting something on this mental crisis forum. This one's kind of long...

I'm overwhelmed with guilt. I hate myself so much, it's ridiculous. My life is fine. Yet stress, my mom, not so great friends, and just overdoing everything just seems to be taking a toll on me and giving me problems. First the whatever the heck's wrong with my moods. All the time. Then they got worse and the cutting. That's all quite awhile ago. Now we've got my self image issues. And the fact that I usually end up with negative calories for the day because I exercise obsessively and under-eat.

Alright, I could deal with all those things. Sure, I hate my life, but I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is the fact that what I'm doing to myself this time, in this torrent of self destruction, is hurting my best friend. The only person who knows about all this, the only person who would understand that underneath all this crap, I'm still the same person I've always been. It's killing me because I can see how much I'm hurting her. And that's the last thing I want to do. I'd rather die than be the one causing her pain. And I hate that I'm selfish enough that I can't stop doing this to myself even for her! I don't know why I can't stop. I think because I hate myself. I'd rather be dead, but that's one thing I'll never do. I could never kill myself. I could never do that to anyone I love. But I can't stand the guilt I have for putting her through this anymore. I just don't know what to do...

[Sith Lord 13]

Amanda,

There are no simple answers to this problem. It's tough. I mean, of course there is the simple answer of don't do it, but that isn't exactly easy. Is there anyone you could speak to, either a school counciler or a therapist? Even a trusted teacher could help you get on the right track to getting help. There are problems too big for us to handle on our own. This may be one of them.

If you would like, feel free to pm me. I'd like to be able to help you.
Alex

[screamtobeheard]

I have teachers that I trust alright, but for some reason I can't really let myself get close enough to people to trust them enough to talk to them about this stuff. I'm terrified of them thinking less of me, or telling my parents.

[My_Toes_Are_Cold]

First of all, eat something. By not eating, you slow your puberty. In fact, the beautiful body you might get at the end of puberty is becoming more emaciated while you starve yourself.

Being an 18-year-old male, I can personally state that guys really do not give a shit about looks. The idea of what females have to be in order to be beautiful is really only reinforced by shallow males (who aren't the majority) and females who think they know what males want. The majority of women I have had intimate relations with were fuck-ugly, by Western standards, and they all were able to get my motor humming.

Being sexy isn't about looks, it's about sexuality. While some people might not approve of this half of the post, the sexiest woman I ever met was in her 40's, morbidly obese, and neurotic. Did she physically turn me on? Not really, no. But her body language, her attitude, and her personality was amazing. That's my two cents on image.

If you are concerned with your friend, the best thing to do in that situation is to just talk about it. I remember I was really guilty about upsetting another friend over my own issues with throwing my grief on them. I told them I was really sorry, I told them it was something I felt guilty about, I told them I loved them, I told them I appreciated them, I told them I was sorry for throwing more emotions at them... and 100% of the time I have torn off all my inhibitions and protections to friends I trusted have ended in a more intimate relationship. Guilt goes away when you get it off your chest.

If you can't have an intimate relationship with your best friend than they are not your best friend. If your friend doesn't want to be there to listen to your woes, they aren't your friend. Most friendships in adolescence are about support, whereas childhood friendships are based more off shared activities. Don't give me any fucking nonsense about not being able to find friends because they are always out there. I am angry, bitter, I complain constantly, I insult people constantly, I swear constantly, I smoke, I drink, I never shut up, and I'm overly opinionated; yet I have found a host of friends at college. If you don't think you can find friends at school or in reality, you can always find support from people on this forum, and while I am probably just the creepy old guy that's been on Virtual Teen since he was 12-13 I offer my support to you if you ever need it.

[screamtobeheard]

I do eat. Just not as much as I should. And I exercise a lot. And I don't do anything because of what other people want. I'm doing it so I can be happy with myself. Clearly, that isn't working. But, all the same, I'm not going to do something like this to myself because I think it will please other people. That's not how I work.

I've talked to her. She knows I'm sorry and that I love her. And she says she doesn't mind. I just feel like it's selfish of me to take advantage of the fact that she cares. Yes, I know. I'm ridiculous, but I can't help it.

[My_Toes_Are_Cold]

She's your friend. She acts as support in hard times. ;)