I Have A Little Problem... or two...

[guacamole24]

Hey, I'm Zack. This is only my second time posting in the Mental Crisis Forum, the last being almost a year ago, so...
This time is somewhat of an update from a year ago, but not really.

I'm still feeling unbelievably insecure. My sexuality is not the way I want it to be, I feel like I'm too selfish, I feel like scared quite often about things that are not likely at all to happen... and I think I'm an obsessive masturbator... honestly.

Starting off, I think I'm gay. That probably sounds cliche, but I'm really scared that it's true. I find guys attractive. SO attractive. And I'm convinced that everyone is gay until I take a really check. Then I realize, 'Oh wait, that's right, nobody here is gay. I'm gay. And I live in SC. Not so big on the gays.'

Plus, my career choice (rap music) is not big on the gays, either. Just a little bit off a problem.

Here are my choices where that is concerned;
A) I could just tell everyone I'm gay to start with and never make it anywhere in the industry.
B) I could ease into it... wait until my career has started up, then come out. Still won't result well.
C) I could hide who I am as far as sexuality forever, or at least from the media. But how?

Second thing, I always feel like I'm too selfish. I feel like I never do enough for anybody else, and too much for myself, even though I know deep down that I'm a nice person. That really bothers me sometimes.

Third of all, I'm really scared about things that could happen but probably won't. I am almost always afraid of anybody I love getting hurt. I would be devastated, obviously. Every time I think of anything bad ever happening to anybody I love, my heart race speeds up tremendously. And my worst fear are guns.
I'm not that scared of death. I'm not even as scared of life as I am guns. They are the center of fear in my mind, and they come up in my mind too often.

Last of all for now, I think that I'm obsessively masturbating. And this part is really weird.

For the past three, four years, I have mastered the art of masturbating in class. I rub myself through my clothes. I've done it so many times. So many times. And I'm really trying to stop. It sounds disgusting, and it is.
What if somehow that product of my masturbation comes in contact with somebody else somehow... what then?

Please comment and know how hard it was for me to write this. Thank you.

[My_Toes_Are_Cold]

I sometimes look at cocks when I look at porn, but I'd probably never go near one in reality unless I was really drunk and I really liked the guy. I have never had sex with a man. In fact, I have only had sex with women and I love it. Sexuality is a weird thing and our society tends to try and make it a concrete thing. Sex isn't concrete at all. Sex is such a versatile thing and you shouldn't worry about it at all... as long as you aren't breaking any laws you shouldn't give two shits about what anyone says. Who cares if you like penises? They're pretty fucking awesome; but so are vaginas. Until you are thrown into the situation, you will never really know.

In my opinion (and my gay roommate's), nothing is more frustrating than a gay person who is flamboyant about it. Remember that this, and my entire post, is opinion. Don't be afraid of it and don't be ashamed; at the same time, you don't have to shout to the world that you are homosexual. You can, if you really want to, since I can't stop you. If anyone gives you shit for being gay then tell them to fuck off. In the great words of P. Paul Fenech: "we're all fucking crazy, but we ain't sad". I'd rather be happy with everyone thinking I'm insane than be unhappy while everyone thinks I'm normal according to their standards.

Don't worry about society. I'll give you a hint: it's all a crock of shit. ;)

As for your selfishness... who cares? Who do you have at the end of the day? Yourself, that's who. There is a limit, of course; you don't want to be telling your wife and children to fend for themselves while you hoard your paycheck. When my friends call me and mention anything to do with me driving them (I'm a fucking free taxi driver because I get guilt-tripped so easily) I get wary. Only recently have I started to tell people to fuck off.

I'm not going to tell you what is right and what is wrong because any normal person should be able to use their common sense to determine that. The fact that you question it shows that you have common sense.

Don't worry about shit that could happen but probably won't. I had an anxiety disorder for years based on that. It's not fun. I will not go into details because it's such a long story; suffice to say: just because it could happen does not mean that it will.

Masturbation only becomes a problem if you're doing it in public. I've done it in public, though, so I'm not a paragon of morality. To be honest, I would suggest that you try to keep your hands off your penis. I have an issue with that myself because I always have my hands down my pants, and always have since I was in First Grade, but it's just a matter of self-monitoring. If you catch yourself doing it in public then you should stop yourself. It's harder than it sounds, but you just have to do it.

Do not worry about people thinking you are weird. Like I said: society is a crock of shit.

[guacamole24]

Thank you so much. Your encouragement really helps. I'm trying to start to care less about what people say.