Im scared of what I have done...

[Aceso]

Hey people,
I first self-harmed a while ago now, around three months, and stopped after a few days.
Now, a few weeks ago i have started again. This time, they arnt just little scratches, they are big red streaks across my upper legs and small but deep ones on other parts of my body. Im scared.
Im so scared of getting caught, of cutting in the wrong place or too deep...im scared of what im doing to myself.
Before it was easier. I felt guilty, i told someone. But now, even though i feel so embarrassed and stupid and guilty and selfish i just cant tell anybody. I want somebody to notice, somebody to help me because each day they are getting bigger and deeper, and growing over different places on my body.
Im also deliberatly depriving myself of sleep. Here is my routine:

9AM - Wake up.
9PM - Go to sleep.
10-11PM - My worst part. This is often around the time when i self harm.
12-2PM - Lie awake thinking/crying my eyes out and worrying.
2:30PM - Fall asleep
8AM - Wake up, snoose.

You see, its not really deliberatly taking away my sleep, i just cant get to sleep. And when i wake up, well, It takes SOO much effort to get up, and id rather sleep in the day.
My life has turned upside down, and i have lost everything i have known.
Sorry for the rant, i need to get this off my chest :(

[Syvelocin]

I understand what you're talking about. Some days, I just wish I could sleep forever and not wake up. It takes me a lot to see why it's worth getting up in the morning.

I used to not like the kind of reply I'm going to give you when I was about at that stage in self-harm, but I've found it really is true. As always, I'm going to advise you to talk to someone you trust.

I never thought what they would tell me on VT would be true, but after a year of self-harming and the cuts getting deeper and deeper, my last one my school counselor made me show the nurse just in case it needed proper medical care. I started with a pair of scissors making marks that looked no uglier than careless scratches that could have been done by a cat. And it always gets worse, no matter how astounding that sounds.

It gets scarier. I was quite frightened about this one on my arm, cause it keeps bleeding a little over periods of time and hasn't closed.

Talk to someone, try to get possibly a therapist or psychologist who specializes in patients who self-harm. It'll help a ton in getting better :)
Best wishes.

[screamtobeheard]

Sweety, you should definitely try to see a therapist or something. They can really help, and it sounds like you need it. I know how it feels to be scared of yourself. I think we all do, really. But try to do what's best for yourself and get help. PM me if you ever need to talk.

[Aceso]

Thankyou all!
I mean i think i might have told someone but one problem is that i POMISED my mom i wouldnt do it again...and i have been battling for so long, i just cant tell one of my family.

There is one friend i could tell, and he would understand because he self harmed, but just feel so embarrassed and stupid :(
I even wore shorts, but because i have done it so high up my leg they were covered. I just want him to notice rather than me tell him...im also so scared of rejection or being treated differently. I really love him, and i dont want him to think im...special, i guess. If you know what i mean. I dont want to get rejected and i trust him with my life but i dont know if i can trust him about this, and i dont know what his reaction will be.

[Mike321]

I dont think you will get rejected by him, if he has self- harmed before he knows what your going through and how to help you.
Its not an easy thing telling someone your self- harming and you shouldn't feel embarrassed about it, if he's done it before you can feel more relaxed about telling him.
Just make sure you tell him how much you trust him and what his help would mean to you .
Having somone you really trust to help you through it makes it alot easier

[TakeMyHand]

I agree with Mike321, if he did too, then I definitely don't think he'd look down on you for it. I think you should tell him.

[LoveMe_HateMe]

i know exactly how you feel 'lost and broken', and i'm roughly in the same place as you (just not about the sleep bit, but my sleep is getting worse :(...i'm just not eating :/ not hungry anymore... and the bit about having someone to talk to...only he hasnt self harmed in the past :/)

i dont really have advice to offer...only things people have told me, which i'm sure you've already heard, about talking to someone you trust :/ but it's nice to know that i'm not alone and there are people in exactly the same posistion as me :/

if you ever need to talk, PM me, and i'll be here to listen if you want to and try to help if i can :) x

[Aceso]

Thankyou guys.
Okay, ill tell him. I am just worried incase he looks at me in a different way. I mean, instead of normal friends being over protective or more distant. But I will tell him.
Thanks everyone for your support - I cant PM yet as I am still too new but i would love to talk sometime!