Syvelocin
April 18th, 2010, 08:47 PM
Hey, long time no see, VT =P
I found the e-mail I used to come out to my friends in Oregon. It was dated 3/31/09, and according to this e-mail, I had already self-harmed a few times (so my estimation when I started SI has been a little off...)
I didn't know this had been going on so long. A year already. It feels like just yesterday, really, and now look at me. Today's cut was gaping for once, a half centimeter, and five centimeters in length. That's a record for disposable razor cartridges for me. And it scared me, though probably minor for some people, it's an ugly thing. But I deliberately didn't try to close it, because I want the scar. It excites me, to get this nasty cut a part of me. I'm proud and anxious to see how the scar turns out, but this one doesn't belong to me. The scar belongs to my dad. I don't think my parents realize how any one of my manic outbursts can trigger a cut like this.
I feel like everything's getting worse. I feel like my depression spells get deeper and deeper, my manic spells get stronger, my paranoia increasing, and my confidence with a razor escalating.
I quit my meds. And I'm not going back on them unless they somehow force them down my throat. I used to want to be "normal" again, now I cling to my illnesses like a crutch. I love them. I would never want to switch off my manic depression even if I had the ability to banish it.
I don't know why I'm writing this, like with every one of my topics on here.
I found the e-mail I used to come out to my friends in Oregon. It was dated 3/31/09, and according to this e-mail, I had already self-harmed a few times (so my estimation when I started SI has been a little off...)
I didn't know this had been going on so long. A year already. It feels like just yesterday, really, and now look at me. Today's cut was gaping for once, a half centimeter, and five centimeters in length. That's a record for disposable razor cartridges for me. And it scared me, though probably minor for some people, it's an ugly thing. But I deliberately didn't try to close it, because I want the scar. It excites me, to get this nasty cut a part of me. I'm proud and anxious to see how the scar turns out, but this one doesn't belong to me. The scar belongs to my dad. I don't think my parents realize how any one of my manic outbursts can trigger a cut like this.
I feel like everything's getting worse. I feel like my depression spells get deeper and deeper, my manic spells get stronger, my paranoia increasing, and my confidence with a razor escalating.
I quit my meds. And I'm not going back on them unless they somehow force them down my throat. I used to want to be "normal" again, now I cling to my illnesses like a crutch. I love them. I would never want to switch off my manic depression even if I had the ability to banish it.
I don't know why I'm writing this, like with every one of my topics on here.