sinking again...

[1_21Guns]

it's coming up to summer, a time where people are usually happier because of the sun and all the rest, but not me.
i'm just going lower, starting to wonder what the point in being happy is if all i'm going to do is crash really badly later.
schools just going to kill me, i'm sick of my friends fucking me over. i dont know who to trust. i know who i want to trust, but i dont know if i can trust them.
i keep typing those notes out, telling myself its so i'll never lose them. but maybe losing them would be for the best.
i was thinking last night, and i subconciously drew on my arm, something of a confused person but kinda abstracty.
i just dont want to sink again, but i also don't know how to stop it.
i dont see what i have to live for, even though i know theres a million and one reasons.
cutting doesnt even feel like it will help anymore, feels like a waste of time. but i guess that's a good thing.
i'm continually tired, always getting lost in my own thoughts, having to frequently ask people what they just said because i have no idea.
then i dont even know what i was thinking about, i just forget and it fades away like the rest of my life is slowly doing.
tbh, school itself is going to kill me before long. two GCSE exams next month, and thats only the start. I cant bring myself to revise, my whole life seems to just be done off chances.
i dont know who i am, i dont know where i'm going, i hate myself, i hate everything about me. every situation i'm is is just fucked up, or i find a way to fuck it up.
i feel like ending this with what i keep asking myself, whats the point? but tbh i already know the answer.
i'm just talking to everyone like normal, like everythings okay, but nothings okay.
everythings wrong wrong wrong.

[derkderpderp]

Hey,it sucks you're feeling how you are.
When i was doing my gcses last year i was kinda how you are,all hating the exams,not feeling up to revising,thinking whats the point,twas just another stress to me.
But hey?why not try to revise a little,after all at most its twenty exams plus coursework,and after that you can take a HUGE well deserved break in the holidays you get.
And about the whole how you're feeling,i think its amazing you can control it,i mean you want to end everything but you know it sucks and its a painstaking process for those it would involve.
So well done for being logical!
And from what i can tell (which obviously has a huge possibility of being far from the truth) you seem like you're bottling things up,i mean its great you're on here,but its not the same.
Why not take a day,at least,to vent and let everything out,scream,shout,go crazy,just let it all out!and towards the end of the period where you vent,try to do something you enjoy to occupy yourself,or go out with family or true friends and relish the time spent with them.

Now about trusting people,sadly a lot of people out there just fuck people over and act like fake friends,as you've evidently found out the hard way,now i think the best thing you can do is confront them about they are making you feel,at the end of the day theyve hurt you as it is,but maybe theyre acting the way they are due to ignorance,maybe they just dont know how you feel because you act indifferent.stop putting up with shite from them if they keep acting how they are.otherwise you can always make new friends.and you may not even see these people after your gcses what with college etc!
Chin up!
Hope my advice proves helpful.please pm me if you wish to talk further or if you want any other advice.or if you just want to sant or shout at somebody!