Doll
April 17th, 2010, 11:27 PM
I know I'm depressed, and I have been for a while, and I guess I have the right to be. Considering my family and what they do. But lately, it's just been kind of odd.
Like everything is fake, and none of my emotions are actually real. Like it's a movie, and everything is rehearsed and planned. Like nobody's really hurting me, I'm not really in pain.
But I am, and I feel like I'm lying. I don't really know why. I feel guilty for feeling at all, like I'm just faking it for attention. I don't want attention, I'd rather be left alone. The only person whose attention I want doesn't want anything to do with me, but oddly I'm okay with that.
Everything's just kind of turned upside down. My boyfriend cheated on me, and I didn't even care. I haven't talked to him. It wasn't a, "F*ck you, I don't care!" kind of thing, I just... Didn't really feel anything towards it. I wasn't angry, or upset. I wasn't happy or anything, of course. I was just kind of indifferent.
I don't cry anymore, when things happen. My parents fight all the time, and my brothers on drugs and he's an alcoholic, so of course he's always threatening to kill people and whatnot.
Apparently I "don't know how to be nice". So I'm a fake brat? I don't even know.
Has anyone ever felt like this before? What is this? Or am I just crazy or something?
Like everything is fake, and none of my emotions are actually real. Like it's a movie, and everything is rehearsed and planned. Like nobody's really hurting me, I'm not really in pain.
But I am, and I feel like I'm lying. I don't really know why. I feel guilty for feeling at all, like I'm just faking it for attention. I don't want attention, I'd rather be left alone. The only person whose attention I want doesn't want anything to do with me, but oddly I'm okay with that.
Everything's just kind of turned upside down. My boyfriend cheated on me, and I didn't even care. I haven't talked to him. It wasn't a, "F*ck you, I don't care!" kind of thing, I just... Didn't really feel anything towards it. I wasn't angry, or upset. I wasn't happy or anything, of course. I was just kind of indifferent.
I don't cry anymore, when things happen. My parents fight all the time, and my brothers on drugs and he's an alcoholic, so of course he's always threatening to kill people and whatnot.
Apparently I "don't know how to be nice". So I'm a fake brat? I don't even know.
Has anyone ever felt like this before? What is this? Or am I just crazy or something?