Poem.

[samo]

had to write poetry for English, and this is what came out. feedback would be cool.<3

Hanger

On a hanger, bears my soul
Ready, waiting to take its toll.
Trembling with an unknown fear,
Beginnings of one first tear.
Naked, bare;
Rough hands reaching to tear
The fragile seam
My mind has concocted in this dream.


On a hanger, bears my soul
Ready, waiting to take its toll.
Translucent fingers quivering
While in the cold, my empty body lays shivering.
Eager for warmth to return,
Aching for its keen burn.

Lastly, my soul
Slips, falters, like a new-born foal.

Hanger, swaying
Praying
For its feeble soul to see the light
And the hanger’s nurture and might.
Bravery,
A long-awaited treat, savory.

Foal stumbles back home,
From my mouth a moan;
Soul and me
At last a we.

[misery_business]

Beginnings of one first tear.
Naked, bare;
Rough hands reaching to tear



i like, its really good, but i think that first paragraph you could choose another word other than tear, my opinion.:)

[samo]

oh, geez. I didn't even notice that. thank you.(:

[Cosmic]

I think it's very impressive that you've worked along a motif for this, and I particularly like the unification of persona and their soul at the end; that's really quite a stylish ending.

Regarding where you can improve:- work on flow and line length. I think a lot of this comes down to something that I too was guilty of when I started writing poetry; you're keeping in all the bulk and not actually adding to the meaning by doing so. In other words, I think you should perhaps work on stripping down your words and removing excess phrasing. Allow me to do a line as an example:

"Translucent fingers quivering
While in the cold, my empty body lays shivering."

becomes:

"Translucent fingers quivering,
My empty body shivering"

Note that because you've mentioned an absence of warmth in the subsequent lines, it's already implied that you're in the cold currently so there's nothing gained by actually saying it. Also note I've matched the syllabic count of both lines which adds flow and brings emphasis to the rhyme. The phrasing is also matched; we're given the verb in both instead of in your version where the verb becomes an adverb (we're told how the body is lying). So you can see that by paralleling phrasing and syllabic count, you can create quite an effective method of expression.

Now obviously you don't want to necessarily be so formulaic throughout; the beauty of free-verse is that there is no structure; you can write it as you want. But utilising these techniques can really help elevate your message to a new level of clarity.

I hope I've helped some-what. :)

[samo]

You have, thank you so much. This is really one of my first tries at poetry, so I really appreciate your advice. I'll make sure to remember all of that so I can improve. :)