Asylum
April 13th, 2010, 11:24 AM
so for a few weeks self harm free yay :) then... recently it's been almsot everyday... self harm... i know... it's not good.. i need to stop. the problem is the urges, hallucinations, and anxiety attacks. mostly anxiety attacks i rarely have hallucinations, but i did a few days ago... right now i've got a ton of stuff i'm dealng with.... half of my family is fighting and won't speak to each toehr.... this means i wont' see anyone on that one side for years again.. .this makes me really sad, because i just started to get t know them after not knowing them for 8 years of my life. and this makes my parents upset too... so they have been harsher verbally to me lately... :( and they are always angry, or upset. i'm empathetic i take on other people's emotinos... so i take on theirs. Of course my dad tells me this fmaily problem at a viewing... so i was not only crying for the death of the person but because of that. and it remindd me of my great grandma's funeral and how horrible that was... that scared me... so not only that i'm dealing with but the people's emotions in the room. i am emotionally drained by all of it. i've cried so much lately, that it's sort of a normla thing now. i cry in school, at activities, i can't sotp it, and i wihs i could because i don't want people knowing i'm upset... but through home and school and activities i put on my happy face.... :) sure it's a mask i wear, but i odn't want my mom thinking i'm depressed and need a psycologist again... yes i know people will say and psot you do need one! i cna't right now... parents made fun of me before for going to one and got really mean about taking me, and the psycologist i had stopped calling me for more appointments so :) i'm glad thats over, because it made things worse for me, not better. psycologists do nothing for me.. i've had a few in my life... and i'm not allowed to take meds anymore so if i was prescribed meds by one, i wouldn't take them, paernts and i are against them because bad experiences with ADD meds... made me depressed worsned anxiety, brought on suicidal thoguths.. so no more meds.. this site has helped me more then any pyscologst who hasn't experienced what i have... so thank you people on this site.
ok back to rant...
i feel like i've given up hope, its like i want to stop, but only because i'm hurting people and because gosh forbid my parents see it. i don't want to feel this way, but i do... i mean i have tried to stop this week, but it seems as though i'm giving up too often and too soon. its not just i feel bad... *slice* i deal with it for hours. i also suppress htings so i am getting every emotion i suppressed now. brekaing down a lot. you would think that i wouldn't be able to think when i'm upset but i can... i have found places on my body where just in case i had a doctor appointmen she might not look under my socks.. and shoes... so mostly there... i dont know... sorry non of what i said probably makes sense... but i feel awful and alone... especially with the new communication rule compueter is takne away at 10 and phone so that leaves me alone... this sort of bring more anxiety because i feel like if i'm trapped or soemthign is going to hurt me in my room easy communication thing to use. just use the phone, because i automatically assume i won't be able to scream. however i know its not going to happen... but i get awfully paranoid about it.. last night i was freaking out about it... and i needed to tlak to someone. i wanted to self harm... and i needed to talk.... i couldn't... so i drew a picture which i'll post. but like my parents just took 2 things away from me that heled prevent Self harm and now its gone, so arghh. i ended up just picking the scab off my wrist which bled more then expected.... the wound got wider too.... hwoever picking the scab was better then cutting... after that i forced myself ot try to go to sleep around 3... of course i coulnd't... sorry for the rant
ok back to rant...
i feel like i've given up hope, its like i want to stop, but only because i'm hurting people and because gosh forbid my parents see it. i don't want to feel this way, but i do... i mean i have tried to stop this week, but it seems as though i'm giving up too often and too soon. its not just i feel bad... *slice* i deal with it for hours. i also suppress htings so i am getting every emotion i suppressed now. brekaing down a lot. you would think that i wouldn't be able to think when i'm upset but i can... i have found places on my body where just in case i had a doctor appointmen she might not look under my socks.. and shoes... so mostly there... i dont know... sorry non of what i said probably makes sense... but i feel awful and alone... especially with the new communication rule compueter is takne away at 10 and phone so that leaves me alone... this sort of bring more anxiety because i feel like if i'm trapped or soemthign is going to hurt me in my room easy communication thing to use. just use the phone, because i automatically assume i won't be able to scream. however i know its not going to happen... but i get awfully paranoid about it.. last night i was freaking out about it... and i needed to tlak to someone. i wanted to self harm... and i needed to talk.... i couldn't... so i drew a picture which i'll post. but like my parents just took 2 things away from me that heled prevent Self harm and now its gone, so arghh. i ended up just picking the scab off my wrist which bled more then expected.... the wound got wider too.... hwoever picking the scab was better then cutting... after that i forced myself ot try to go to sleep around 3... of course i coulnd't... sorry for the rant