dissapointment

[rubyred91]

i have been cutting on and off for 2-3 years now even thought it feels like forever
and i stopped for nearly a year and i thought that was the end it didnt occur to me id be here again
but i am and its really hard
the cutting is not as bad so that kinda makes me feel like i dont need to stop.

i feel so dissapionted in myself and i think thats a major factor of why i keep doing it.

i feel like i have let down the people who did the most for me last time and i feel i cant confide in them because they will hate me.

i just need someone who understand what im going through as non of my friends have ever self harmed and tbh i dont think they have ever thought about it and thought that i might be doing it

i just dont want peoples opinion to change towards me.
i want people to understand
i dont want to feel like i have have to hide my emtions and emptyiness because its too deep for people to handle
AHHHHHHH am going insane

[Aspiringanonymous]

It's a good thing that you've decided to join and reach out for help here, Jenny. :hug3: Welcome to VT. Many of us here have been through the experience of self-harm, and are now in varying stages of recovery - we will all be happy to listen to what you have to say.

If you are feeling disappointed - rather than letting it be a reason to give in to every urge, why not fight against it, for a better state of being if anything. The urges are overpowering you now, but it doesn't need to have its way. Resist it - because there is a better way to exist. I'm sure you have caught a glimpse of it before, prior to the relapse. You've already attained a reasonable extent of freedom from self-harm already, all you need to do is find it again.

Even though you mentioned that the physical damage is not severe, the relapse has certainly affected your mind in a negative manner, and that is something to definitely be weary of. Once the mental will is weakened, the extent of damage, physically and otherwise, can only steadily worsen. Be careful - it will not seem to be a big deal at first, but that is the strategy by which it aims to gain control of the entire consciousness - by gaining one's relative trust and relaxed inner guard.

Indeed, sometimes it may seem like - and indeed be that - one's struggles are too complex and/or unconventional to be really comprehended accurately by anyone. One should never give up searching for that understanding and mental companionship, but even if it has yet to yield any substantial results, there are ways to make up for that still. Express yourself creatively, or even through random rants not necessarily intended for others to respond to. If others cannot understand you, then it's up to you to understand yourself, and take good care of yourself in every aspect.

I am always here if you wish to talk about anything further, in private.

May you find strength and clarity of mind.

[Amyxoxo]

i just dont want peoples opinion to change towards me.
i want people to understand
i dont want to feel like i have have to hide my emtions and emptyiness because its too deep for people to handle
AHHHHHHH am going insane

I have to say that sadly for a minority, there opinion will change.
This is sad as you haven't really changed just your actions.
They didn't care that you done it, when they didn't know. Why should it change when they do know?
I suggest that you go to a councilor to talk about these problems to, they will understand. It isn't to deep for them.
:) xx