Our House

[Cosmic]

A piece I've just written. Hope you enjoy! As always, please do comment and critique.

Our House

The tumbling wisps of
skin-coloured smoke,
Crawl urgently from
Half-brick, half dust.
And I, torn into flickers of grey,
Merge with the sunset…

You say you want
To forget about it,
Yet broken between a fix.
Well here you leave me
Broken-minded,
Left between the bricks.

All you ever wanted;
All you ever cared;
It left me on my own
Buried and ensnared.

A memory that you never knew,
A memory you never will…
Printed in black, printed in white,
The one you had to kill.

[Cosmic]

Bump, please do feed back guys! I'd really appreciate your opinions, ideas and any criticisms you might have.

[nick]

mhm, no one feeds back on my poems on a certain other forum.

Anyway I like it. I like the flow, the language and the scan of it. Not sure that I understand it though.

[Cosmic]

mhm, no one feeds back on my poems on a certain other forum.

Anyway I like it. I like the flow, the language and the scan of it. Not sure that I understand it though.

If you mean Gov, it might help if you don't post several poems at once... that can become quite overwhelming for anyone. Allowing people to digest your writings one at a time might help. Also, if you were digging at me, I always try and devote a lot of time and detail to my critiques of people's writing, which means I don't have time to critique many people. So I'm sorry if I don't reply to your work.

Glad you like it anyway. :) The poem is intended to express the idea of how someone leaving can break up a home... signified by the clinical use of "house" and the idea of bricks and dust being the materials that bury and entrap the persona.

Hope that makes some sense now. :)

[Skeletal-Chic]

i liked it, very thought provoking imagery though I'm not to sure on the meaning :)

Also, are we allowed to bump poems and stuff? I didn't think so, but what the hey :)

[nick]

... Also, if you were digging at me...
No, I wasnt having a dig at anyone in particular. But we all get disappointed at lack of feedback sometimes, doesnt make us all break the rules on double posting. Anyway, thanks for the explanation.

[The Batman]

No, I wasnt having a dig at anyone in particular. But we all get disappointed at lack of feedback sometimes, doesnt make us all break the rules on double posting. Anyway, thanks for the explanation.

You can bump your thread if it's been a while and no one has responded. So there are no rules being broken.

[Cosmic]

No, I wasnt having a dig at anyone in particular. But we all get disappointed at lack of feedback sometimes, doesnt make us all break the rules on double posting. Anyway, thanks for the explanation.

I'm not sure you could make that more bitchy if you tried... Have I done something to upset you?

[Harley Quinn]

Guys, come on stay on topic. It's about the poem not a double post.

[nick]

I'm not sure you could make that more bitchy if you tried... Have I done something to upset you?
No, not at all. Sorry if it came over as bitchy, that wasnt intended.

[deadpie]

I think dis be good yo homes. Although the 2nd and 3rd don't measure up to the 1st and 4th, but then again, it's better for your first and last stanza's to be the best in my opinion. So overall, good writing yo dawg homie.

[Perseus]

I liked it. Thought provoking.

Your grammatical errors with your interjections were messing with my head, though. Gettin' all compulsive here. :P

[Cosmic]

I liked it. Thought provoking.

Your grammatical errors with your interjections were messing with my head, though. Gettin' all compulsive here. :P

I'm not aware of any grammatical errors... do please give examples. I can't fix them otherwise. :)

[Perseus]

I'm not aware of any grammatical errors... do please give examples. I can't fix them otherwise. :)

"Well" and "yet" can be argued, just depends how you say it. Haha, I'm such a grammar nerd because of my compulsiveness of it. :P

[Cosmic]

"Well" and "yet" can be argued, just depends how you say it. Haha, I'm such a grammar nerd because of my compulsiveness of it. :P

There's nothing ungrammatical about either of those. :s It may not be to your tastes; but they're certainly correct in phrasing.

[Perseus]

There's nothing ungrammatical about either of those. :s It may not be to your tastes; but they're certainly correct in phrasing.

I'm not trying to argue with you, haha, but how so? "Well" how you used it is an interjection. That's how I see it.

[Cosmic]

I'm not trying to argue with you, haha, but how so? "Well" how you used it is an interjection. That's how I see it.

An interjection by definition is a word which holds no grammatical ties with the rest of the sentence... In my poem they're used very much as apart of the line. And it's not arguing; it's exploration and learning. I disagree with your criticism so I'm questioning it - there's nothing wrong with us doing that.

Let's look at what the stanza is saying. Square brackets signify me adding words to clarify meaning:

You say you want
To forget about it,
Yet [you're] broken [or torn] between a fix.
Well here you leave me
Broken-minded,
Left between the bricks.

I'm not sure what about that doesn't make sense to you, really. The target wants to forget about it, yet here they are torn between solutions. The word "well" signifies a declarative on the state of the persona. I don't see anything ungrammatical about that, and they certainly don't act as interjections.

[Perseus]

See, the way I see it as is this - "Well, here you leave me
In the way I see it is the "well" is emphasizing the "here you leave me" part. My brain still screams at me "interjection" at that "well". The "yet" part was me just being stupid, haha. I realized afterwards that it means not what I thought it meant.

[Cosmic]

But note how you have added a comma to the phrasing, which isolates the "well" which I did not do. I can't help but think this lack of grammar is in your head in this instance, sorry. :P

[Perseus]

But note how you have added a comma to the phrasing, which isolates the "well" which I did not do. I can't help but think this lack of grammar is in your head in this instance, sorry. :P

Now I'm confused, haha.

[Cosmic]

You said you see it with a comma after the "well"; but there is no comma after the "well" so rather than it being grammatically incorrect, it's your adding of punctuation that's not there which changes the meaning. ;)

[Perseus]

You said you see it with a comma after the "well"; but there is no comma after the "well" so rather than it being grammatically incorrect, it's your adding of punctuation that's not there which changes the meaning. ;)

I said that there should be a comma there, not that there is one there. Haha, this is so confusing.

[ashleighhxbby]

A piece I've just written. Hope you enjoy! As always, please do comment and critique.

Our House

The tumbling wisps of
skin-coloured smoke,
Crawl urgently from
Half-brick, half dust.
And I, torn into flickers of grey,
Merge with the sunset…

You say you want
To forget about it,
Yet broken between a fix.
Well here you leave me
Broken-minded,
Left between the bricks.

All you ever wanted;
All you ever cared;
It left me on my own
Buried and ensnared.

A memory that you never knew,
A memory you never will…
Printed in black, printed in white,
The one you had to kill.





OH MY GOSH!
I absolutely LOVE it. The diction is amazing and it created a picture for me in my head. Amazing imagery. (: I'd very much like to save this to my computer.. do you mind? I'd cite everything, lol. I don't steal other's work. You're really good.
-Ash<3

[Cosmic]

OH MY GOSH!
I absolutely LOVE it. The diction is amazing and it created a picture for me in my head. Amazing imagery. (: I'd very much like to save this to my computer.. do you mind? I'd cite everything, lol. I don't steal other's work. You're really good.
-Ash<3

You are more than welcome to! I'm so glad you enjoyed it that much, that means a lot to me. :)

[ashleighhxbby]

sorry for the late response, it's really, really good.
I like reading other's works, it's just an inspiration, you know.
Keep on writing.(: