Necrophilia Fucked Your God. - Poem.

[AllThatIsLeft]

Lie down to die,
Lie down and smile.
Breathe in the sulfur,
say hello to your ruler.
What if He was a girl?
what if evil was good?
What if Satan was hot?
What if hell felt good?

Die and be born,
Die, rest at home.
What if goodness drove you mad,
what if your saviour was a lie?
What if God was just a joke?
You are dead, who is God?
Take a knife and cut your skin,
Let the fire flow from within.

Dance with the dead,
fuck with a corpse.
Open your mouth and bite me,
I said bite me.
Don't be afraid,
Pain is what I love.
Blood be my lover.
In this world there is no wrong,
only freedom, and what feels good.

SO hurt me,
and be free.
Let the pain fuck me in.
Tonight we shall die,
In your bleeding arms I shall rise.
So do me, like I'm dead.
Touch me with your nails.
Tell god, you fucked me.
I'm the goddess of your sins.

[Shadoukun]

Poorly written.

[Sith Lord 13]

I really enjoyed this. Very nice.

[pixie1234]

Poorly written.

what did you find poorly written about this?? i personally thought it was really good. i would struggle to write that and people say that writing is one of my strong points
xx

[Skeletal-Chic]

well that was depressing and kinda pretentious, though I'm one to talk

[AllThatIsLeft]

Thanks for that Ashleigh.

and how was that depressing?? O.o

pretentious i can see how tho :P

[Skeletal-Chic]

I'm not sure what exactly it is but it struck me as being kinda nihilistic :P

[AllThatIsLeft]

I keep questioning you came across that.

[Skeletal-Chic]

Well, and this is just how I interpreted it, but the first Stanza made it seem pike the speaker was bored with life as it was and that all we do is die then are born again in an endless cycle. Then in the second last line in the 2nd stanza made me think that the speaker beleives that there is no such think as morality or justice. That's how I saw it anyway :)

[AllThatIsLeft]

2 stanza is right.
First one is more like doubting your knowledge, for what you think is.

if you get me.

[Skeletal-Chic]

awww crap I go the stanzas mixed up xD I didn't mean 1st and 2nd, I meant 2nd and 3rd
Sorry!

[deadpie]

OH YES. My favorite subject ever! I love you so much Paula!

God + Necrophilia = Good

[Skeletal-Chic]

God + Necrophilia = a trip to the counselor *nod nod* :P

Jokes :D

[Cosmic]

I'm struggling to find any meaning in a lot of the words. There are several contradictions and several phrases which seem redundant and/or make no sense. Allow me to show a few examples:

What if God was just a joke?
You are dead, who is God?

What relevance is being dead... and since when was the persona's target dead? This seems to come out of no where and seems to be attempting more than the words themselves can muster.

Dance with the dead,
fuck with a corpse.

Again, where did this come from? We start off with you seemingly questioning God, and out of no where you've moved onto necrophilia... and I can't see a connection.

What if Satan was hot?

As opposed to cold? I don't think I've ever seen him portrayed as anything other than the ruler of a world of fire and heat... And if you've gone for hot in terms of attractiveness, I would advise you avoid colloquialisms in writing, which is typically an intellectual art, so colloquialisms seem out of place.

...And then there's the portrayal of the person you're addressing as the dead one in the beginning, which is later contradicted with the portrayal of the person as the one in control doing the fucking and you being the dead one:

Lie down to die,
Lie down and smile.
Breathe in the sulfur,
say hello to your ruler.

... So here we have the persona's target dying, followed later by:

So do me, like I'm dead.
Touch me with your nails.
Tell god, you fucked me.

Which suggests you as the dead one. I'm sure you can understand why I'm not able to read through these inconsistencies with any sense of coherency.

There are also a few flow issues which off-set the often poignant rhyme scheme, most notably:

Take a knife and cut your skin,
Let the fire flow from within.

Removing the "from" in the second line would aid the significance of the line a lot, though again the image as a whole appears very random in the context of faith and necrophilia - now we have self harm as well?

I think you've got talent, I can see you're working with images and trying to express internal processes. But I really think you need to try and stay focussed on an issue and roll with it, without worrying about bringing so many things into one poem. I see aspects of many things here, held together by nothing more than the fact that they're in the same poem. Try and condense your thoughts and expressions and consider working more with motifs, which can help you work along the same line throughout.

[AllThatIsLeft]

Thanks alot for that. Enjoyed it =]