charchilp
April 9th, 2010, 01:19 PM
Sorry, this is gonna be a really big post, but if you stick through it and read it i will be REALLY greatful... Some people might also say this falls under sexuality, but i put it here because im more worried about the suicide aspect then the gay aspect.
I have been thinking about killing my self lately, which is strange for me. it used to be that suicide was a completely alien concept to me and i couldnt understand why anyone would do it, but right now, as far as I feel, the only thing stopping me from suicide is that I'm a wuss for pain.
I've halfassed it a couple of times, like falling asleep with a plastic bag over my head (It slipped off) and overdosing on Melatonin (I had six times the limit dose, and I cracked them open to break the extended release, and i was still only a little drowsy when i woke up. Pff cheap ass medicine)I hate myself even more for wanting to kill myself because of what it would do to my parents and my family, for having to put them through that. I've been turning it over in my mind, trying to find a way to make it look like an accident, but im too cowardly to try anything.
The feeling started when i started to believe i might be gay. I was only turned on my dudes, even though i really liked many girls. This point was when my depression was worst. But despite this, I wasnt sure i was gay because i was reading that sexuality was also emotional attachments, and i had only been emotionally attached to girls. But then, I learned from my brothers girlfriend that one of the kids on my crew team, a really hot senior in my boat, a jock and popular kid in my school, is gay. He's only come out to a few people, including the girl that hes going out with right now (ironically), my brother, and my bros girlfriend. I'm not even sure if I really believe it because my bros gf has a tendency to exaggarate. My brother is the only person I've even remotely come out to, and I've tried to bring it up to find out if this guy is really gay but again im too cowardly...
For a while, i was really happy because finally i saw that someone could live with being in the closet and be popular and cool, and by now i was completely in love with him... but then i got even more depressed because i realised "wow, even among gay people I would i wouldnt be able to get the guy i loved".
And to make it even more confusing, a few weeks ago i got drunk for the first time at a crew party and made out with this hot girl there (It was a pity make out, actually, everyone else had their bf/gf who they were kissing and i was all alone) I really enjoyed it and thought it was pretty hot (even though she was laughing, she is, after all, two years older then me). Now i dont know what i am, and more then anything i would like solid ground.
I have been thinking about killing my self lately, which is strange for me. it used to be that suicide was a completely alien concept to me and i couldnt understand why anyone would do it, but right now, as far as I feel, the only thing stopping me from suicide is that I'm a wuss for pain.
I've halfassed it a couple of times, like falling asleep with a plastic bag over my head (It slipped off) and overdosing on Melatonin (I had six times the limit dose, and I cracked them open to break the extended release, and i was still only a little drowsy when i woke up. Pff cheap ass medicine)I hate myself even more for wanting to kill myself because of what it would do to my parents and my family, for having to put them through that. I've been turning it over in my mind, trying to find a way to make it look like an accident, but im too cowardly to try anything.
The feeling started when i started to believe i might be gay. I was only turned on my dudes, even though i really liked many girls. This point was when my depression was worst. But despite this, I wasnt sure i was gay because i was reading that sexuality was also emotional attachments, and i had only been emotionally attached to girls. But then, I learned from my brothers girlfriend that one of the kids on my crew team, a really hot senior in my boat, a jock and popular kid in my school, is gay. He's only come out to a few people, including the girl that hes going out with right now (ironically), my brother, and my bros girlfriend. I'm not even sure if I really believe it because my bros gf has a tendency to exaggarate. My brother is the only person I've even remotely come out to, and I've tried to bring it up to find out if this guy is really gay but again im too cowardly...
For a while, i was really happy because finally i saw that someone could live with being in the closet and be popular and cool, and by now i was completely in love with him... but then i got even more depressed because i realised "wow, even among gay people I would i wouldnt be able to get the guy i loved".
And to make it even more confusing, a few weeks ago i got drunk for the first time at a crew party and made out with this hot girl there (It was a pity make out, actually, everyone else had their bf/gf who they were kissing and i was all alone) I really enjoyed it and thought it was pretty hot (even though she was laughing, she is, after all, two years older then me). Now i dont know what i am, and more then anything i would like solid ground.