I just feel so beyond repair and wasted. It's my fault. I know it.

[1_21Guns]

I keep hoping alcohol might wash everything away, wash me away.
but it never does.
I keep hoping the painkillers might stop the pain for a while.
but it never does.
I try to stop eating, because I just want to have some control over something after everythings spiraled out of control.
but I just can't help myself.
I just want to feel better for longer than an hour.
but I never do.
I just want to die.
but I never do.

I don't even know why I just want it all to stop.
15, lay in bed with a bottle in my arms. Hardly a healthy sight.
I'm talking to a friend, I was going to tell her how i'm feeling.
but I can't, she's happy.
I'm not letting my state pull her down.

Why won't it all just stop.
Why won't I just stop.
Everything i've lost contol of was my fault alone.
Everything that's happened because of that was also my fault.
It's my fault. and i'm sorry.
I hate this, I hate myself.
I don't understand myself anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore.
Is it really too much to ask just to feel real again?

[Kahn]

If all of this was truly your fault, than it is your responsibility to fix it. Help is but a tool, something you cannot take for granted. I am glad you seek help here.

Just because your friend is happy, doesn't mean you'll pull her down. Having the mood of someone happy being around may help your mood a little. If she is happy, she should be willing to help a friend in need.

Your alcohol problem needs to stop. When I used to drink, everything would be worse since I would always need too have that drink, and whenever I couldn't it would be hell. I know what you are going through, and my determination I defeated it. Do not hate yourself, since you brought yourself this pain. It is pain you deserve if you have truly brought yourself this.

I'm always here to PM, and I am always willing to lend a hand. Hope this helps.

~Adam

[Kaya]

"Things will eventually work themselves out as you get older." thats what people always tell me. I PM you. Im always here to talk.