I'm actually enjoying myself?

[munchausen]

I want to know why sometimes self harm just feels so fun, I'm not going to lie and say I haven't had fun with my self harm ever but it's very rare. Usually during the time I self harm I feel some kind of strong negative emotion, during the emotion begins to dissipate and after I get strong guilt followed by a sense of relief and sometimes actual happiness the length of time varies but it's never longer than just a day. When I do have these little fun sessions of self harm I get a bit... creative.
I love art, I always have and always will. So when I'm feeling like having fun I tend to indulge in some rather more extreme habits of self harm, I used to be really bad with this and it's kind of hard to admit this even on here but. I carve pictures into my skin and used to use blood to draw on paper. The pictures on paper are horrible I can't ever stand to look at them if I find one I always bin it straight away. The pictures on my skin though are a whole different story, I find most of them quite beautiful. Especially the flower on the inside of my right forearm, nowadays it's pretty faint and there are some cuts, (well the cuts on here are no more than 2/3mm deep, I only recently started cutting my forearm and have managed to avoid cutting too deeply on the underside of my wrist. Pretty sure my caution about that wont last much longer though I'm starting to worsen again.) over it so it's kinda hard to make out. I just wanted to know why I get like this. like I said it's really really rare and only when something serious happens and when I calm down I just feel disgusted with or sorry for myself like it was someone else who was doing it and not me and it worries me that I might end up like that again because I'm starting to go back to the way I was.

[Aspiringanonymous]

I can recall similar experiences in my own dealings with self-harm, so it probably is not as uncommon as it seems. It's a good question - what are the dynamics behind it - something I have never actually stopped to consider, but I will do what I can.

Perhaps it is different for you, but from what I can remember - it begins with a mental breakdown of sorts, leading to almost a trance-like state of little to no apparent self-control - and it is here that the acts of self-harm are performed, when one's scope of consciousness is limited to only what is at hand. Mentally isolated from the threatening external world, one seeks to follow that innate desire to comfort the damaged psyche and dilute the presence of whatever negative emotion had originally accompanied the hurt. Sometimes, simply the act of self-harming is enough to fulfill this purpose, but other times, it may not be - after all, it is an act which converts emotional into physical pain - but the pain is still there, in one form or another, and the scars act as reminders of that.

But, in the experience which you have described, the physical manifestation of emotional pain is not more pain, but rather an apparent display of admirable creativity - for the mind which has limited its awareness to only the present moment and no more, has not the ability at that time to see through the deception. It is one where suffering is momentarily forgotten altogether, and comfort is found through the creation of what is perceived as art.

But that, too, as you are aware of - is a dangerous delusion, though no more dangerous than any other perception of benefit from self-harm.

That is all I have to say in regards to your inquiry, but by all means, if you wish to discuss anything further, feel free to contact me privately.

Take care, and stay safe.

[Amyxoxo]

like I said it's really really rare and only when something serious happens and when I calm down I just feel disgusted with or sorry for myself like it was someone else who was doing it and not me and it worries me that I might end up like that again because I'm starting to go back to the way I was.

You said it all there!
You wonder why you do it, to deal with these emotions^^
So you feel like your having fun because of all the different chemicals that are rushed around your body, I'm sure that maybe fun is a extreme phrase but I can empathize with feeling good.

[munchausen]

You said it all there!
You wonder why you do it, to deal with these emotions^^
So you feel like your having fun because of all the different chemicals that are rushed around your body, I'm sure that maybe fun is a extreme phrase but I can empathize with feeling good.

I'm sorry I've worded this awkwardly, I was more wondering why I went to these extremes occasionally over something which I would normally only cut a few times over? I mean usually cutting or burning is enough to help me cope so doing something this extreme makes little sense to me.

[Amyxoxo]

Oh lol sorry.
Maybe it is because sometimes when you feel certain emotions you have to do something like this to cope.
You said before that it happens when something serious happens or you calm down.
As I said you said it all in your post lol. :P

[jacknife]

You should not necessarily be disgusted by or ashamed of the idea of enjoying self-harm as there is nothing inherently "wrong" with it.

So long as you recognize that the idea is potentially dangerous and could lead to very harmful things (such as too much cutting, or people finding out and alienating you, etc.), you should be fine. Just remember you are in control of what's going on. If the art you create on your flesh belongs to you, then so does your body - and it might not want you doing such things to it.

It can be a tough line to walk, so keep in mind that if you have the power to create "beautiful body-art" then you also have the power to do other things, perhaps even more beautiful - and perhaps without sacrificing your flesh in the process!

Only you can really know where to draw that line.

[munchausen]

Only you can really know where to draw that line.

oh but I really don't

[jacknife]

oh but I really don't
It's just a matter of weighing your personal goals and deciding what to sacrifice for them. If you are already afraid that you may end up a certain way if you continue down "this path", then you recognize the risk involved in continued self-harm. Some people can walk that tight-rope line and harm themselves without becoming "addicted" to it, while others can not. It sounds to me like you are saying you are rather addicted to the process, in which case abstention from it is your best bet to avoid the feelings of guilt and self-pity.

My main point was that you need to decide what goals are most important to you and work towards them. This will help you in life in general as you will be able to exercise self-control and learn to use your strength more efficiently.