Suicide Note.

[TigerLily]

So I went to see my mother in hospital today. I usually don't, it's not easy for me, but today I did. I still don't really know why. Most of the time I don't get told whether she's admitted or not, or where she is, or anything really; they think it's best to keep these things secret from me for my own good.

But I went this afternoon, and now I'm so scared. As soon as I stepped in those disinfectant reeking corridors I was scared; I still don't know why. But then I saw her, she looked terrible.. her arms are black and blue, and I'm sure she's been cutting again. She looked tired and at like a decade older than her real age; she looked fucked up.

I quicky looked around her room and saw a piece of paper with her scrawled handwriting; I tried to read but she stood in the way. I knew it meant something, deep down this is just the same thing repeated over and over as far as I can remember, so I lied about using her bathroom after the rest of them starting walking out of the ward, then after they were out of eyeshot I read her fucking suicide note.

I could recite every word here, but I don't want to. I must have read at least 20 or so drafts of the same thing over the years, but it's still too hard. She said her marriage was over and her children weren't hers, so all she had left was her God. And that she should just be with Him, because she had nothing left here. She didn't even mention any names besides her psychiatrist.. "I hope I succeed or Fiona will be disappointed". It was barely half a page, pretty much illiterate, and I can't get it out of my mind, I've only just got back from the fucking and it's just on repeat; over and over and over again. I guess it's why I'm writing this; just to try and make some bloody sense of it all.

I don't know if she wrote it before getting admitted, or five minutes before we arrived. I don't know if she's going to attempt again, she's done it dozens of times in the past.. and even though I keep getting told it'll never happen, it would have happened by now, I can't get out of my head that if she did, I'd be her murderer. And what's stopping her trying right now? And even if she doesn't mean to die.. there's still the risk. It's logical, right? If you try that many times, you've got to fuck it up once.

And it's Good Friday right? This woman is fucking insanely religious..
I'm scared she'll try and imitate her fucking God.

I need to get out of here, I just keep blasting music and trying to drain her out of my mind; I don't know what to do. The scariest thing is, she acts so damn normal when I saw her.. I don't even know what to think anymore.

I'm fucking petrified; I'm scared of losing her by the morning.
Because she wouldn't fucking come back to life by Sunday, would she?

I need to get away, I couldn't give less of a fuck that it's pissing it down outside; I need to run. I need to be held even more.

I just want this to pass, because its the waiting that's the hardest. I tell myself she's just bullshitting like she has before, that it's all the drama, every other little supposed 'reassurance' they gave me when I was younger..

I'm not crying, I'm just numb. Even reading the fucking thing, I was numb. Maybe this makes me even more cold-hearted than I thought; fuck knows.

I'd be her murderer..

Ffs.

[Brayden]

I understand the situation you're going through, from a different angle.

I've tried to kill myself 4 times now, and I literally just got out of the hospital after overdosing on a combination of drugs. I view my life as worthless, and I feel that I have accomplished nothing so far in life. I am a lot like your mother.

You feel 'numb' and 'cold' because she's done this so many times that it almost feels routine. It doesn't make you a monster, or a bad person to feel the way that you do. You've just gone through the worrying, the sadness, the anger and everything else associated with your mother's suicide attempts so many times before that you've probably hardened yourself for this. You're not letting yourself hurt this time, because you've already gone through enough of the hurt. (Imagine you were diabetic and had to check your blood sugar regularly; at first pricking your finger hurts and it's a pretty big deal but then it eventually falls into routine and the pain is no longer even noticeable.)

You're not your mother's murderer. You didn't make her this way, she's sick. She has a disease and it's not your fault, her fault, or anyone else. Some people just find it hard to deal with life, and apparently your mother is the same way. You can't fix her, so don't try. The only person that she can fix is herself. So you're free to worry about You, and only You. Let yourself feel your emotions, don't hold them in. If you have something you need to say to her, a question you need to ask, Say It.

If you ever need to talk about things, you can PM me whenever you like and (hopefully) I'll respond.

[TigerLily]

Thanks Brayden

It's just all the reasons she gave: her divorce, not seeing me and my sister etc., I caused. I got her to leave our house due to her routine abuse of my sister and I, I told my dad about it all.. and that's what caused everything recently, she says so herself.

[Your life is never worthless, if you ever want to talk :hug3:]

[Brayden]

Well if she was abusing you and your sister, you did the right thing by getting yourself into a better situation. Just because she didn't end up better for it, doesn't mean it wasn't the right thing to do.

And I'm just going to take a wild stab at this, but is your mother Bipolar?

[TigerLily]

Claims to be; I gave up on trying to understand what she is now tbh.
At first she was diagnosed simply as 'depressed', then bipolar, and now borderline personality disorder.

[georgiamay]

i understand what you're going through to some degree. my mum attempted suicide when i was about 6. my mum is bipolar, and she was also an alchoholic. She's "recovered" now, and she's on medication, but i'm always afraid that she'll slip back into it again.

don't worry, you're not your mothers murderer. it isn't your fault that she's sick.

i'm so sorry you feel so numb, but i couldn't have put it any better than brayden, but all i can say is that it's normal to feel the way you do, but you dont need to! none of this is your fault! if you ever need to talk just PM me. talk about your feeling, dont bottle them up. talk to a friend about it, or maybe a councellor? i dont know. seriously, if you ever need to talk or vent or anything, i'm always here x

[TigerLily]

Thanks Georgia,

But tbh I can't talk to friends about it, I don't want them associating me with her, and if I get any kind of counselling social services will get involved.. long story.

[CuriousDestruction]

you can talk to a therapist. they don't have to go to social services usually. also, if you have a priest or something of that sort, they will counsel you without judgement and keep your confidentiality till they die.

[TigerLily]

^ Thanks, but yeah, due to malicious accusations by my mother they would go straight to social services, I really don't want to talk about it so I guess you'll just have to take my word.

And I'm really not religious =/

[Amyxoxo]

I understand both your sides.
I know what it is like to go to the hospital and not know anything, to try and figure it all out by them. I know that it is hard, it always will be hard so is life but it is how we deal with things that count.
I have someone in hospital now whom is very close to my heart. She tried everything to get away from this life. She didnt eat for a year, only drunk wine. Overdose's, cutting, hanging, you name it she has tried it. However, I cant imagine how it would feel to read something like that. Not have her tell it to you, not some lie but something that she didnt want you to see so it was personal. I really so feel sorry for you.
However I know what it is like to be in her shoes. I know what it is like to lie there in a hospital bed and not want to be here at all. Nothing even crosses your mind (well my mind) about who you will leave and what damage it will cause for them.
She is safe a presume in the hospital, if anything (I'm really hoping not) but really if anything does she will be in the safest hands, wont she. I know that it will be hard if anything does happen but how many more times do you want to see her like this, really. Dont you want yours, hers and everyone else's pain to go away. I know that it is a horrid thought and you cant think like that way but that is what I was thinking in the same position as your mothers.
God bless you, her and your whole family.
Amy
I know what it is like, PM me if you want to talk.

[nick]

Mothers. wtf.

Hugs and kisses, thats all

[TigerLily]

Thanks Amy and Nick(:
I'm feeling better about it now, keeping myself distracted helps.
And wtf pretty much sums it up<3

[TigerLily]

She died last night.

[Harley Quinn]

She died last night.

Rachel..:hug:
I'm around if you need to talk..
<3

[Amyxoxo]

Im so sorry, you know that everyone here is around to talk. xx

[nick]

Rachel, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you're OK, you no you really had no choice over what happened in the past. I'm going to be out most of the day, will be in this evening if you want to talk.

All my love,
Nick

[TigerLily]

Rachel..:hug:
I'm around if you need to talk..
<3

Im so sorry, you know that everyone here is around to talk. xx

Rachel, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you're OK, you no you really had no choice over what happened in the past. I'm going to be out most of the day, will be in this evening if you want to talk.

All my love,
Nick

Thankyou<3

[Hyper]

Well it doesn't sound like you & your mother we're the best of friends but.. A parent is still a parent.

It doesn't take a psychiatrist to see by your description that your mother had lost most of her sanity.

Hope You do well and can move on.