Ventus
April 1st, 2010, 12:57 AM
I'm going to be blunt, sorry for the novel:
Now I know why puberty sucks. It's not the growing, the angst, the hair, no, it's the fucking hormones that mess with your head.
One day you think of yourself as this guy, and the next day you're someone else.
My whole life i've thought of myself as growing up, getting married to a lady and having kids.
Now, it's different and i'm so confused.
It all started before and during the summer, there were two big people involved in my life at that time, for privacy sake let's name them; Girl X and Guy Y.
So before the summer started last year, I was best friends with Girl X, actually she was my girlfriend. She had my heart, my trust everything. Towards the last two weeks of our relationship, I noticed her lying occasionally (or at least I thought) and she was changing, she wasn't the girl I met. Eventually, the relationship ended with her somehow going my Facebook page and checking up on me. It wasn't her checking Facebook that bothered me, hey, I don't give a fuck about that, but that she didn't trust me enough to just ask me. Enraged and confused I ended it. Of course I felt bad, hell, I was sad too, but shit happens.
So a few months passed and I met Guy Y.
It basically started with him bluntly stating: "You're my best friend now"
Cheesy, right?
Anyways, I found out from one of his friends that he wanted to basically make-out with me. I didn't know what to say, think, or do. I was honestly just caught off guard.
Blah, blah, blah….
Eventually, for one reason or another curiosity sparked me and I was interested in Guy Y's idea.
Blah, blah, blah….
Towards the last months before summer, I felt as if I could trust Guy Y with anything, nothing physical had happened, but it felt nice to be able to talk to Guy Y about everything and anything. He had my full trust, almost as if he had replaced Girl X.
Summer came along, still, nothing physical had happened between me and Guy Y. I think we both wanted something to happen.
When it was a few weeks into summer, I felt as if I was losing Guy Y, he was ignoring me and everything, maybe I was clingy, whatever, but I thought he actually cared for me as a friend.
So I confronted him, and he dropped me.
A week later, I crawled back to him allowing him back into my heart as a friend.
Blah, blah, blah…
While in New York, Guy Y came to visit for a few days. The first night we were having those really corny deep conversations before sleep. He basically told me then and there that he had feelings for me; mind you that he had a girlfriend at that moment in time. This bizarre trust and emotional connection I had with him made me assume it was affection, maybe it was, I don't know, but basically I admitted it back.
Somewhere within that conversation he said "I had a dream of us making-out here."
I didn't know what to say, what to think, or what to do.
So I just remained silent and went to sleep.
I kind-of regret that now.
The next few nights I attempted to amend my past mistake for not doing anything, but I had no luck.
Summer continued and our friendship deteriorated.
Not only that, but he was lying to me, playing with me mentally, the whole nine yards. He just fucked me over and dropped me on the ground.
So I let it go, school started and I became close friends with Girl X again. I was happy again, for now.
One way, or another Guy Y found his ways to poke his head into my life, and to this day he’s still in my fucking head, pissing me off physically and emotionally.
Of course, I feel a physical attraction to girls as well, but I never had an opportunity to trust one as much as I did to Guy Y.
What he wants out of me now, I don’t know? He apologized to me a few days ago, sometimes I think that just hooking-up with him would get this fucking confusion out of my mind.
Help?
I like girls physically and emotionally, I trust them, I can talk to them. But ever since Guy Y, I feel the same for guys.
Sorry, for the novel.
Now I know why puberty sucks. It's not the growing, the angst, the hair, no, it's the fucking hormones that mess with your head.
One day you think of yourself as this guy, and the next day you're someone else.
My whole life i've thought of myself as growing up, getting married to a lady and having kids.
Now, it's different and i'm so confused.
It all started before and during the summer, there were two big people involved in my life at that time, for privacy sake let's name them; Girl X and Guy Y.
So before the summer started last year, I was best friends with Girl X, actually she was my girlfriend. She had my heart, my trust everything. Towards the last two weeks of our relationship, I noticed her lying occasionally (or at least I thought) and she was changing, she wasn't the girl I met. Eventually, the relationship ended with her somehow going my Facebook page and checking up on me. It wasn't her checking Facebook that bothered me, hey, I don't give a fuck about that, but that she didn't trust me enough to just ask me. Enraged and confused I ended it. Of course I felt bad, hell, I was sad too, but shit happens.
So a few months passed and I met Guy Y.
It basically started with him bluntly stating: "You're my best friend now"
Cheesy, right?
Anyways, I found out from one of his friends that he wanted to basically make-out with me. I didn't know what to say, think, or do. I was honestly just caught off guard.
Blah, blah, blah….
Eventually, for one reason or another curiosity sparked me and I was interested in Guy Y's idea.
Blah, blah, blah….
Towards the last months before summer, I felt as if I could trust Guy Y with anything, nothing physical had happened, but it felt nice to be able to talk to Guy Y about everything and anything. He had my full trust, almost as if he had replaced Girl X.
Summer came along, still, nothing physical had happened between me and Guy Y. I think we both wanted something to happen.
When it was a few weeks into summer, I felt as if I was losing Guy Y, he was ignoring me and everything, maybe I was clingy, whatever, but I thought he actually cared for me as a friend.
So I confronted him, and he dropped me.
A week later, I crawled back to him allowing him back into my heart as a friend.
Blah, blah, blah…
While in New York, Guy Y came to visit for a few days. The first night we were having those really corny deep conversations before sleep. He basically told me then and there that he had feelings for me; mind you that he had a girlfriend at that moment in time. This bizarre trust and emotional connection I had with him made me assume it was affection, maybe it was, I don't know, but basically I admitted it back.
Somewhere within that conversation he said "I had a dream of us making-out here."
I didn't know what to say, what to think, or what to do.
So I just remained silent and went to sleep.
I kind-of regret that now.
The next few nights I attempted to amend my past mistake for not doing anything, but I had no luck.
Summer continued and our friendship deteriorated.
Not only that, but he was lying to me, playing with me mentally, the whole nine yards. He just fucked me over and dropped me on the ground.
So I let it go, school started and I became close friends with Girl X again. I was happy again, for now.
One way, or another Guy Y found his ways to poke his head into my life, and to this day he’s still in my fucking head, pissing me off physically and emotionally.
Of course, I feel a physical attraction to girls as well, but I never had an opportunity to trust one as much as I did to Guy Y.
What he wants out of me now, I don’t know? He apologized to me a few days ago, sometimes I think that just hooking-up with him would get this fucking confusion out of my mind.
Help?
I like girls physically and emotionally, I trust them, I can talk to them. But ever since Guy Y, I feel the same for guys.
Sorry, for the novel.