Fear of....what, exactly? *rant-ish thing*

[murderousflower]

I don't remember when i started to self-injure. But i do remember when i started cutting. It was over a year ago. Anyways, I've been off and on cutting. Tried recovery many many times, but I always seem to relapse back into cutting.
I've also got an eating disorder.
My boyfriend of 5 weeks knew of this before we started dating. I told my parents last year, and they got me a shrink. My problem, is that it's a Christian Life Counselor. I'm not Christian, and my parents are. They don't know i'm not, obviously. And, that the doc is a guy. It's so hard to tell him things, so i stopped. And I've relapsed again.
It's not too bad. And the boyfriend (lets call him JC), is really supportive. And he makes me want to stop cutting. I lose all cravings around him. And this, is what scares me. The idea of recovery has always frightened me. I mean, I know that I should stop, and I want to. But stopping would mean either telling someone, or helping myself. Either way, i don't want to face my past.
But I don't want to keep cutting either. And i know that the demons have to be dealt with at some point.
What i ask myself, is why i keep cutting when life is getting so good. What, exactly, is scaring me?
Well, that's enough for one post. I just needed to rant somewhere, and decided to do it here.

[starbrite5]

I can really relate to you. Though my parents don't know I cut, they are Christian and don't know I'm not. I also can't seem to stop cutting even when my life is going well. I don't know, just thought I'd put that out there. Anyways, I'm glad that your boyfriend is so supportive, it's nice to have that. :)

Feel free to drop me a PM if you ever feel the need to rant some more, I'd be glad to listen.

[CuriousDestruction]

maybe you should seek help elsewhere. talking to a therapist really helps. although it can take some time to find the right one, often they are great listeners and non-judgemental. They also can help you in the recovery process.

[Fiction]

I know how you feel. I feel that i can stop self harming but every time i try, i always relapse. I figured that i'm too scared of my life without sh to stop.
My parents are christian and i'm not. I was scared to tell them at first but did it recently and it wasn't too bad :)

[murderousflower]

I'm thinking of asking my parents to take me to a new therapist. As for the boyfriend, well, he found some scars and I didn't bother trying to lie, he already knew. But...I can feel myself distancing now. Also getting more dependant on cutting. The other night, I was so so scared when I couldn't stop the bleeding. I have so much motivation to stop. One of my close friends cut too deep once, and had to get stitches. It was really bad.
Also, today JC squeezed my arm, hitting some fresh cuts. When i flinched in pain, he just squeezed harder. I have no idea why he did that, and it bothers me.
Anyways, I have a shrink appointment tomorrow, and I'm already uber stressed from school work , so I think I'll just practice my acting skills. : ) what a productive use of time.

[Amyxoxo]

That is really good what you are doing, distracting yourself.
If you ever feel the urge to cut then ring or text your boyfriend, as you said when you are around him you lose all cravings :)
I was going to say try a new councilor, just because one didn't work out doesn't mean that you should give up.
Good luck tomorrow, I'm sure that you can ask your parents just say that you will be really buisy at this time from now on and cant go to them because you dont get on with them.
Amy xx